Would Work With Me at Dunder Mifflin?

I’ve applied to be Branch Manager (my official title will change to Supreme Commander of the Arkansas Forces) at the Pine Bluff, Arkansas branch of Dunder Mifflin.

Your invited to join my team. In addition to the requirements defined by the company, I have my own high standards:

  • You must not be ugly if you are female
  • Your car must not be better than mine if you are male
  • Tell great Polish jokes
  • Diversity is encouraged – except when it comes to opinions
  • The older the better – up to age 60
  • Other qualifications will be unannounced so that I can judge you.
  • Overseas applicants can work from home, as long as you don’t bother me when I’m home
  • You don’t need to be brain damaged to work here, but it helps.
  • Find the mistake in the headline

Join me at the Pine Bluff branch – use our special code (also my home security code) when you apply. 8bzaod6qg4.

Blarty’s every Friday. Chocolate always. We’ll all write Blooks. Free day care – spouses included. Cussing only allowed for just cause. Republicans tolerated. Hippies encouraged. Okies maybe. Pints when it rains. Propeller heads welcome. We need a Safety Supervisor for Violence in the Workplace and an excellent receptionist/marketing.

Hopefully these will be your co-workers.

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Would Work With Me at Dunder Mifflin? — 26 Comments

  1. Perfect. Since that is not a full time job, you can also be the paper wadder upper. Thanks for joining the team.

  2. I want to be the “candy lady.” I was for over 10 years in my last job. Also, “crisis counselor”….that worked for me too. I never ran out of candy or shoulders. Thanks Mark.

  3. Excuse me? “Candy” lady? You meant M&M lady, right? You mess up like that again and you are gone. If Violent Acres doesn’t take the Crisis Counselor position, I will consider you. Honestly? I don’t think you are tough enough.

  4. I can do M&M’s…..I can do LOTS of M&M’s. I never told you that they have been one of MY favorites too….since I was a little kid….back when dirt was made.

  5. I would love to join up, but I’m afraid I must decline.

    Unless of course you can make an exception to the “Cussing only allowed for just cause” rule and allow me to cuss whenever I like?

    If so, I’d like to apply for the Violence in the Workplace job, please?

  6. Deal – cuss when you like and you are VOIP. Violence Operations Intimidator Person (or you can make up your own title.)
    thanks for joining the team, you asshat.

  7. You know how much I identify with Angela, so I’m on board to keep the rest of you under control. Somebody has to be Miss Goody-Two-Shoes Perfectionist. But who will be my secret boyfriend?

  8. I can’t work with Grandpa. He shoots a-muri-cans.
    Unless, my new boob job will cancel out the fact that I am an American.

  9. @Catch Her In the Wry: Goody two shoes? You got it. But you have to get your own bf.

    @Micki: I haven’t even got a full staff and already you are bickering?
    Go work it out with Grandad – maybe he has an “altered American” exemption.

  10. Pingback: My Rearview Mirror » Work at Dunder Mifflin.

  11. Do I Qualify?

    I’ll apply although you hardly even know me. Are there company vehicles–a Harley? Okay, never mind. I can fix anything and I’ll be ornery as hell. I’ll be the first to say it can’t be done, fixed or accomplished just before I do it, fix it and make it happen.

    I’ll also sit around and eat everything in sight without gaining a pound. I’m a disabled vet (submariner) that still has to work to make ends meet and I complain a lot (but not about that). I drive an old Jeep Cherokee and I live in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont fer crissakes.

    And I’ll be “Catch Her in the Rye’s” secret boyfriend even though she hardly even knows me. If she won’t have me then I’ll ask Micki instead (Hi Micki).

    I’ll have to wait until I get that 30% extra disability comp to put me at 100% so I could afford to quit my job but what an opportunity!

  12. Qualify? What do qualifications have to do with anything? Yes, I would love to have a Submariner on our team. Starting practcing your:
    “Dive – Dive – Dive” ASAP.
    I think you could be our cut man.

  13. Pingback: Special Dunder Mifflin New Employee Incentives at Going Like Sixty

  14. I see two of known Okies on the prospect list, so we can’t be all that bad!

    Seeing as how I’m already stressed out and overworked (but always up for a challenge) give me something easy – like coffee filter separator or something like that. Maybe Queen of the Copier? I seem to have a handle on that one already.

    As far as requirements:
    1) Female, not ugly
    2) Not male so the car is a non issue. Yours would be better than mine anyway as long as you drive a go-cart or better.
    3) It’s been awhile, but through the power of the internet I bet I can restock my library of Polish jokes.
    4) I rarely have an opinion, so we’re safe there.
    5) 34 is below 60 and today I feel really old.
    6) Hey, are you a damn Baptist?
    7) Not overseas and scared of water. Next.
    8) While my brain isn’t technically damaged, it’s the consistency of oatmeal, so I should qualify.
    9) You left out my name.

    The cussing clause – be it known, for me there is ALWAYS just cause. And since I’m still in the closet as a republican, you should be able to tolerate me just fine.

  15. Heh. You are having a bad day when your 8 is lurking!
    You are way overqualified. I think you should be our Management Consultant and report directly to me and be vastly overpaid for saying things like:
    “improved productivity would be beneficial.”
    How’s that sound?

  16. KellyPea! A new name to my comments. Welcome! A blarty is a blog party started by http://angelabetts.com Check it out – warning, the music is boomer type stuff.

    Never heard the man and monkey joke – what’s the rest?