Monthly Archive for October, 2007

Page 4 of 23

You Won’t Find Any Better Cheese Anywhere

 This is what you get when one blogger has an idea to ask for volunteers to write a few sentences for a book. Those involved were:

Nanny’s Nook
Poseidons Muse
Writer Chick
Michael
Evyl
Red
CowGalUtah
Poseidons Muse
Karen
Reg
Cris
Goinglikesixty
Fuzz
The final chapter, after a clear majority in the vote went to Evyl and he’s done a wonderful job as we ll knew he would.
I would like to say thank you to him for stepping up to be counted in this instance, and also to everybody else who has contributed to this, our very own piece of cheese…

Finally! The Answer to Why I Blog

I finally have found the real reason I have been writing all this wonderful prose and astounding witticisms.

My brain made me do it.

No really, it’s not me, it’s my brain.  Just like when a person falls into an epileptic seizure, you don’t say the person does it, it was their brain misfiring.

Or sneezing. Ever try to sneeze on command? If Jack Bauer had a bazooka to your left ear and said “sneeze or I release six pounds of explosive rocketry” could you do it? No.

Blogging could be a form of Tourette Syndrome. An unexpected and unfathomable outburst of inappropriateness. Think those people WANT to shout obscenities at Synagogue? You think I want to write this blather day after day? You’re suffering too because you read it!

Of course, I have science to back up my assertion – of course I do!

“The case against Sixty must be dismissed. He cannot be held responsible for smashing Bill Gate’s face into a pulp. He is not guilty, it was his brain that did it. Blame not Sixty, but his overactive amygdala.”

The legal profession in America is taking an increasing interest in neuroscience. There is a flourishing academic discipline of “neurolaw” and neurolawyers are penetrating the legal system. Vanderbilt University recently opened a $27 million neuroimaging centre and hopes to enrol students in a program in the law and neuroscience.

I can’t wait for the day. When this becomes a bonafide defense, I am turning myself loose on society.

Professional Haiku’er for Rent

happydance.gif

Happy Dance

I am now a Professional Haiku’er. I won a $25 gift certificate for this Haiku.

 

Chips, shakes, cookies too
which wich has a choice for you
fun doodle is due!

 

I’ll be interviewing agents soon. Watch this space for future announcements.

The Dumbest Thing I Have Read on a Blog Yet.

US Auto Industry  Cars like AMC Javelin were once prized for their beautiful lines and raw power. They could be seen as emblamatic of America’s hold on the car industry.

That may be the dumbest thing I have ever read on a blog that is stated as raw fact, not opinion. “emblamatic of America’s hold on the car industry.”  The Javelin.

Later my hunch is confirmed.

…Javelins that the Alabama Department of Public Safety’s State Troopers used…

adpsjavelin_05_resized.jpg  It’s a Javelin – a JAVELIN. There is no beautiful lines, no raw power. It’s a Javelin. The Javelin was built by AMC – American Motors Corp. which was formed from NASH and HUDSON.

What next? The Nash Metropolitan is the car that started the small car revolution?

How I Came to Resent Ken Jennings

You remember Ken. He was the Jeopardy champion that finally got so sick of Alex Trebek that he threw the game? Even the piles of cash couldn’t keep Ken from wanting to punch Alex’s moustache off when he gave one of his “I know the answer and you don’t” reading FROM THE ANSWER CARD.

I’m poking around the blogs one day on a whim looking for famous people to add to my blogroll because I thought it was damn clever of me.

Erin, Jane, Mark and Ken were all I could find that blogged regularly. Others tend to guest blog on Huffington Post.

They are all in my RSS, but the only one that resembles an “every-man” blog is Ken.

Erin hardly writes, Jane only writes about Dancing with the Stars, and Mark writes about this whole other world he is involved in. HD Net and Mavericks (and lately Dancing with the Stars.)

So here’s what I have learned about Ken, and consequently are the reasons I really resent him.

1. He’s a nice guy – did a mission overseas and married his college sweetheart. Yuck.

…moved back to the States to attend the University of Washington for a year, and after putting school on hold for a two-year Mormon mission in Madrid, Spain, transferred to Brigham Young University in 1996. At BYU, he double-majored in English and computer science, and graduated in 2000 alongside his then-fiancee Mindy Boam, whom he married that fall.

2. He really seems to enjoy his kid Dylan – he writes a regular bit involving his son. He also has a daughter who I guess must be the slow one in the family.

Bewildering Conversations with a Four-Year-Old returns! Dylan, in the car the other day: “Yowch!!!” Me: “What happened, guy?” Dylan: “I bit my tooth!” That takes some doing.

“Why do Daddy’s pants say, ‘Cave Ken Jennings’?” he asked Mindy last week when we were at a Dodgers game.

“That says ‘Calvin Klein Jeans,’” she had to tell him.

But if I ever start up a vanity fashion/fragrance line, it will definitely be called “Cave Ken Jennings.”

3. He’s an artist – he’s doing a freehand mural of his kid’s favorite story book characters.

Very longtime readers may remember that, way back in the mists of time, I started an alphabet mural on the wall of my baby daughter’s room.

…I wanted to duplicate the feel of the original book illustrations as much as possible…

abcdefgsmall.jpg

4. He is very witty. I don’t mean “I can quote Ray Neitzke” to you. I mean fun witty.

Luckily I don’t have seasonal affective disorder or anything. So which do you think came first, the name or the suspiciously fortunate acronym (SAD)? All psychological problems should be named this way.

  • Depression should be Mood-Oriented Polar Extremity, MOPE.
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder: Acute Normal Ability Lapses.
  • Schizophrenia: Neurasthenically Unbalanced Thinking Syndrome.
  • Drug addiction: Systematic Taking Of Narcotics Endemic Disorder.

5. He’s humble. He won some gigantic trivia challenge in Europe and in addition to a pile of money he got a nice crystal bowl. He feeds his dawg out of it.

banjobowl.jpg

I mean, come on, how can you not really, really resent a guy like that. Here’s one thing: he doesn’t allow commenting on his posts. The nerve. Who’s he think he is? Ken Jennings?

But I’ve never lost on Jeopardy.

So do you remember how he lost? What was the correct question?