Grandad Was Content to Smoke His Pipe for Tourists, Now He Just Wants to Smoke Tourists

I started blogging last March, somehow I stumbled across Grandad. Not literally of course because I was in “God Bless America” and he was in Ireland.

He seemed like a nice enough fellow. He was pleased when he smoked his pipe in the village and it brought back fine memories for some strangers. He even stopped listening when he realized is was none of his business.

Grandad was thought provoking. He had questions for God.

    • How did you fit ALL the animals in an ark, and how did you stop them eating each other?
    • Why don’t insurance companies sue you for “Acts of God”?
    • If we are all descended from Adam and Eve and their children then we must all be the result of incest. Isn’t that bad?

He pondered with great interest the future of the internet, even going so far as to offer his help  and suggestions.

Suppose I just download the Internet onto my laptop?

He outlined all the advantages of just such an ingenious plan.

I think this is about the time he began to turn. He felt that he had conquered the internet. He felt that he, not Bill Gates, was in control.

I cut myself off from the Interweb a few times, but it’s back now. And here is the strange thing – It’s going like the clappers!

I’m afraid he let it go to his head. He  turned his energy from conquering the internet, to saving Ireland from the tourists.

What was worse – some of the visitors decided that Ireland was such a beautiful place that they decided to settle here. This pushed land prices up to an extent that local residents were unable to live there any more.

The solution arrived at was to cull the tourists. Seal culling had led to a lot of adverse publicity for Canada, and it was therefore decided that tourist culling should be kept as quiet as possible.

…Since then, tourist culling has become a popular sport. It is carried out in most parts of Ireland, though incidents are rare in the major cities, because of the danger to locals.

It is run on a points system, with maximum points going to a cull of tourists who are obviously contemplating buying land. It is a complex system of scoring, which I won’t go into now.

He continues his dedicated quest for world domination and recently has been endorsed by a powerful Irish organization.

When they called out Head Rambles for best blog, I must admit I was very surprised, but delighted because I fancied a chance to grope Glenda Gilsen.

So I hopped up on the stage, made an improper suggestion to Glenda and got her phone number. That’s why she is looking so pleased.


In the same post, he announced that his pithy words will be printed on real paper using real ink so they will remain available and not disappear into cyberspace.

I told them I knew nothing about writing books. They said that it was easy, and that they had read Head Rambles and I could do it. So I told them that that was like saying that I could climb Killiney Hill, therefore I could climb Everest. They told me not to be daft. I threw a hissy fit because everyone one knows that authors are allowed to be temperamental.


BFD, I coulda done that, but I didn’t sell out to the man.

Congratulations you bolloxed up old wanker.

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