Monday? Yeah, I’ll Be Whimpering Like a Braised Beagle


Good golly Miss Molly, we’re all gonna die.

Collect your money and kiss it good bye.

If Earth is ass, this is the finger

Nothing to do but wait and linger.

There’s a body a-coming to smash the globe,

like an unlubed oversized colonoscopy probe.

It has been confirmed that an asteroid is on a collision course to impact Earth in the Southern hemisphere on Monday, January 28th at approximately 0500 GMT.

Up until Monday the 21st, NASA was tracking the asteroid (Named TU24) displaying it’s trajectory course and danger level towards earth and the probability of an impact. Yesterday, all data relating to TU24, it’s mass, size, trajectory course, time of impact, was deleted and erased from the website and in it’s place was a sign stating that the asteroid had a zero percent chance of striking earth and the threat level was minimal at best. (On Monday, the odds were 50-50 chance and closing for an impact.)

You can run, you can hide, wear a hard hat,

but in the end, we’re all gonna be flat.

Homeland Security gave the press this alert,

“the world’s in for a butt-load of hurt.”

Stay with me my friends, until the very end;

I’ll be posting and updating to help you comprehend.

Stay calm, stay collected, and don’t throw a fit,

FEMA will be in on the scene just lickety-split.

But time’s a wastin’  ’til we know if it’s legit,

that earth will assplode like the puss from a zit.

I’ll see you afterwards rocketing through the debris,

Last thing you will hear will be Sixty saying wheeeeeeeeee.

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Monday? Yeah, I’ll Be Whimpering Like a Braised Beagle — 7 Comments

  1. Ahh, the conspiracy theory of astronomy. These guys ought to talk to my husband and his best buddy; years as California lawyers have left them the most paranoid people I’ve ever met, and to them EVERYTHING is a conspiracy. If a strange car drives into our cul-de-sac and turns around, they are not lost; they are casing out OUR house to rob it, specifically.

    Braised Beagle is an exquisite bit of both alliteration and pungent imagery. I salute you.

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