Monthly Archive for March, 2008

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Ron Pee: You Have Earned Your Good Luck.

Published on March 29, 2008 in Holy Shit! Lookit This!. 10 Comments

My very good friend Ron Pee has struck a gold mine. He’s always been very lucky his whole life. His parent’s told me he was conceived on a bed of four leaf dandelions. His luck continued throughout his life because he always did just the right thing:

He always knocked on wooden frogs in his house.

He eats black-eyed ladybugs on New Year’s Day

When somebody farts he says never fails to say “God Bless You.

There isn’t a crack in any cathedral that he doesn’t step on.

When passing a cemetery he always holds his ears.

He is on a first name basis with Barney Stone and they kiss often.

He has been rewarded over and over because of his good luck. He had ocean front property where the Exxon Valdez belched. He was hit by a lottery truck. He caught the bouquet at my daughter’s wedding. The trademark on “April Madness” AND “Final Three” belong to him. The lucky Montreal even snagged the domain name Guugle.com.
How could I be surprised when he discovered a freak from Post Cereal that will put him in the lap of luxury – or a luxurious lap dance.
Ron is a graduate Southern Illinois University, so he is a morbidly obese fan of the University of Illinois. He even moved to St. Louis from Carbondale, Illinois so he could watch the U of I PBS channel. He loves his food. His Mom often said “eat the peanuts out of my shit.” Ron is the ultimate feudie.
Here’s the deal:
Ron has amassed some amazing improbobobilities of phoodom:

Waffles shaped exactly like the states of Colorado and Wyoming!

Rocks that uncannily recreate the Hawaiian Islands to scale – one with an active volcano!

And you won’t believe this! Today, he found, the lucky limp, a Pop Tart identically shaped like. Wait for it. North Dakota!

Ron has them on eBay now because he wants to share with the world his good fortune. This is so like Ron. I remember when he shared his Lou Gehrig’s Disease with the Little League team he coached.

Even more remarkable: If you squint your eyes, use your imagination and drink a lot of bourbon, you can see the likeness of the Virgin Mary in the Wyoming waffle, and Jesus doing “the Hustle” in the Colorado one.

This isn’t some silly corn flake shaped like the Land of Lincoln. This is an honest-to-goodness edible improbablity!!

Alas and Outback, Ron’s proudest possession is not for sale. He sent me a picture of his phelgm that contained a red pearl in the shape of Donna Splutch. Thank God he didn’t lose it in the bloody stool.

Just In from the “It’s About Damn Time” Dept.

Published on March 29, 2008 in Baby Boomer. 3 Comments

Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is going to change it’s name.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House Inc.’s acquisition of 22 restaurants from Cameron Mitchell in February made the company more than just a place to buy a steak dinner, so it wants to change its name to reflect that.

I’ve never eaten at a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. First, too expensive, second, I can’t pronounce the name. It’s my only speech impediment.
There may be an artificial cause however.
I started going to a painless dentist ten years ago. He said he could fix the flaw in my front tooth, so I let him. I think the thickness of the tooth changed so that my tongue can’t get into the proper position to say Ruth’s Chris. The words just get stuck there. I can say Ruth Chris three times, no problem.
But Ruth’s Chris comes out Ruth-the-zuh Chris – v e r y s l o w l y, which of course makes it more obvious.

File this in the “you think we’re idiots?” folder. They are changing their name because I think they only thing they serve is steak? Like Red Lobster only serves lobster? And Long John Silver only serves pirates? Thinking of their direct competition, does Morton’s only serve salt?
Confusing? How about McCormick and Schmick’s Seafood and McCormick and Schmidt other food.
Prawley the regulars call Ruth’s Chris something trendy, like referring to Morton’s as “Arnie Morton’s.”
I always wondered how the name originated, but not so much that I would use up my Google ™ Search Engine alloted pixels.
Now I care even less.
Unless they change it to Ruth’s Chris Thistle Sticks; or Peggy Babcock/ Rebecca MacGregor’s Creamed Clams in Cans.
I’m not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig plucker’s son,
but I’ll pluck your figs
till the fig plucker comes.

Using the Internet in 1955 Helped My “Girls.”

Published on March 28, 2008 in Baby Boomer, Blogging and Technology. 7 Comments

Bloggers and other propeller heads always find a way to sneak in when they first started on the web.
It’s the Al Gore syndrome. “I am now cool because I used the internet when nerdy wasn’t geeky.”
My turn.
This is me and my first web page at the Oh Susanna! Home for Wayward Girls.
I didn’t have a complete web “site” yet because ASCII was in beta. I was using my own language TELMII. One of the boys that hung around was working something he called Hypo Test Market Linguistics. I laffed and laffed over that one!

These were interesting times.

“The girls” loved learning. Rather than pay them when other men came to enjoy their skills. I would charge the men tuition and then give the girls a cut. Notice on the left side of the picture, the girl with a machine we lovingly referred to as the “cash register.”
When I would review my latest webpage – usually an analysis of hourly rate vs girls skill level less operating expenses – the girls would keep their own statistics.
I didn’t think anything of it at the time because in the business I ran, the customers liked things tight, and the girls seemed to think bigger was better… but notice their data entry platform. I guess I should have kept it paper thin as shown. Instead I had my vendor add a lot more crap to make it thick and larger. Engorged if you will.
When the girls reached a quota, they would yell out “Spitzer!” and all the girls would squeal with delight as the bell rang on the cash register. The girl would get a cash bonus.
I should have kept current with web developments while I was spending 15-30 at Playa Del Broderick Crawford in Alabama.
But I didn’t, I put away the fifty inch display and retired the custom teak laser pointer I used. ASCII came out of beta and I forgot about TELMII.

I wonder what happened to everybody from Oh Susanna! Home for Wayward Girls.

Some Great Photos of Famous People From OK

Published on March 27, 2008 in Entertainment and Technology. 10 Comments

Steph did a great job of digging out some photos of famous people during their time in Oklahoma.I was especially fascinated by Donna Splutch (Britney Spears) She was able to find a whole bunch of others. Be sure to drop by and say “hey.”

Time to Gamble the Bourbon on March Madness

Published on March 27, 2008 in Entertainment and kentucky. 1 Comment

As the kids used to say, “Shut up.”

The Mayor of Louisville is sending bourbon to the mayors of Chapel Hill and Knoxville. They are supposed to get schnockered when their teams lose to the University of Louisville.

“Bourbon is our secret full-court press,” Abramson said in a news release.

Since KY, NC and TN all make cigarettes which would kill them a whole bunch faster than sipping bourbon, WTF, Mayor? You want to win or what? Send them unfiltered fags.
We supply cancer sticks to the rest of the world, but to NC and TN we send bourbon?

Since the Mayor doesn’t have a liquor license it’s against UPS TOS to ship el Bourbono. Bah, I guess he wasn’t going to run down to the local liquor to pick up a half pint. (236.588237 milliliters)

Roy Williams needs it worse than the mayor, because his team is tanking because some chick got shot. Like that doesn’t happen often in the U.S. Oh, forgot, she was a popular white chick, so that makes it all different than the crack ho that got shot downtown.
Back to gambling. Won’t be long and the mayors of the Final Two ™ will be rolling out their press releases with their bets.

This threatened to dampen the widely popular practice of college students, office workers, and just about anyone who have traditionally participated in NCAA college basketball tournament betting pools.”

In fact, CBSSports.com developed an application to make it easier for Facebook users to use betting pools, says the story.

The NCAA should be so proud of their exclusive TV partner.
I have my money on Memphis Western Kentucky University.