Ron Pee: You Have Earned Your Good Luck.


My very good friend Ron Pee has struck a gold mine. He’s always been very lucky his whole life. His parent’s told me he was conceived on a bed of four leaf dandelions. His luck continued throughout his life because he always did just the right thing:

  • He always knocked on wooden frogs in his house.
  • He eats black-eyed ladybugs on New Year’s Day
  • When somebody farts he says never fails to say “God Bless You.
  • There isn’t a crack in any cathedral that he doesn’t step on.
  • When passing a cemetery he always holds his ears.
  • He is on a first name basis with Barney Stone and they kiss often.
  • He has been rewarded over and over because of his good luck. He had ocean front property where the Exxon Valdez belched. He was hit by a lottery truck. He caught the bouquet at my daughter’s wedding. The trademark on “April Madness” AND “Final Three” belong to him. The lucky Montreal even snagged the domain name Guugle.com.
    How could I be surprised when he discovered a freak from Post Cereal that will put him in the lap of luxury – or a luxurious lap dance.
    Ron is a graduate Southern Illinois University, so he is a morbidly obese fan of the University of Illinois. He even moved to St. Louis from Carbondale, Illinois so he could watch the U of I PBS channel. He loves his food. His Mom often said “eat the peanuts out of my shit.” Ron is the ultimate feudie.
    Here’s the deal:
    Ron has amassed some amazing improbobobilities of phoodom:

  • Waffles shaped exactly like the states of Colorado and Wyoming!
  • Rocks that uncannily recreate the Hawaiian Islands to scale – one with an active volcano!
  • And you won’t believe this! Today, he found, the lucky limp, a Pop Tart identically shaped like. Wait for it. North Dakota!
  • Ron has them on eBay now because he wants to share with the world his good fortune. This is so like Ron. I remember when he shared his Lou Gehrig’s Disease with the Little League team he coached.

    Even more remarkable: If you squint your eyes, use your imagination and drink a lot of bourbon, you can see the likeness of the Virgin Mary in the Wyoming waffle, and Jesus doing “the Hustle” in the Colorado one.

    This isn’t some silly corn flake shaped like the Land of Lincoln. This is an honest-to-goodness edible improbablity!!

    Alas and Outback, Ron’s proudest possession is not for sale. He sent me a picture of his phelgm that contained a red pearl in the shape of Donna Splutch. Thank God he didn’t lose it in the bloody stool.

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    Comments

    Ron Pee: You Have Earned Your Good Luck. — 10 Comments

    1. True story: I once tried to copyright the term “Four Score” for when the Chicago Bulls won their fourth straight title. Sadly, the Bulls never won four in a row, but twice won THREE straight titles.
      Thanks for the well wishes. That’s some funny writin’.

    2. SIU is THE party school in Illinois, so it’s no wonder he’s run out of bourbon and resorted to selling things from his kitchen to restock the liquor cabinet. SIU people have been known to drink their dinners.

    3. Sadly, when I was in college, I couldn’t actually afford Bourbon. Keystone Light and dollar Long Island Iced Tea’s at “Sidetracks” were my drink of choice. I once woke up on a friend’s doorstep next to my previously eaten Pags pizza after one of those benders. Not my finest moment.