I Belong at the Masters; But Should Never Attend

The Masters is a golfer’s mecca. They don’t have a wait-list anymore because it was decades long.
Somehow people I know find their way there. Every year. They have the correct ticket, passkey, or TSA Brain Scan to gain entrance. They are post-boomer age widows. I know they aren’t going there for the golf (even though they both play 3 times a week) they are going their to cruise guys.
BIL works at the Masters and hires his kids and kid’s friends to do stuff. Pretty neat gig. His work doesn’t require him to do anything, just to be there if needed.
I would love to go. Even work.
But I should never succumb to the lure.
I am a fan.
The Masters wants patrons.

I have a problem with authority assigned because of a one connection to the ultimate authority. Money. “Inherited authority.” Most places these golf nazies are called marshals.

All golf tournaments have that same “inherited authority. I’ve behaved myself at PGA tournaments. Even when the marshal standing 100 yards away from the golfer raises his “STFU” frat-boy hazing paddle, I stop talking or at least whisper.

For example, have you noticed the nazies standing behind the tee box or around the green? They will raise their STFU board before the shot (correct) but then don’t lower it until after the ball is way out of range – either down the fairway, or in the hole.

Even when the guy yells “get in the hole” the golf nazi will be standing with the STFU paddle raised in the air.

They are everywhere. “Walk/Don’t Walk” “Walk Here” “Quiet” “Don’t Piss on that Tree” “Stop Farting” “Don’t Burp” “No Smoking” “Wear Shoes” “Wear collared shirt” “Wear pants.”

Tiger farts, why can’t I? Tiger and David Feherty, a CBC commentator have a farting contest. After Tiger’s 50th win…

…he came out of the scorer’s tent, I offered him my hand, which he grasped, and I heard an almost imperceptible squeak. He looked me in the eye, and deadpanned, I win’.

Rules. Arbitrary Rules. Snooty Rules. Illegal Rules (no women members allowed.)
After two hours I’m sure I would pop off to one of the ancient tallywhackers and would get tossed. Perhaps even arrested.
The nazies let barefoot kids run amok on their precious course but I guarantee you, if I picked an azalea I would be pounced on like lawyers on a asteroid impact.
If I ever get a chance to go to theBig Tournament Where Women Never Tee Off I’m taking General Petraeus with me – in his fatigues. Then we see who as problems with authority.

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I Belong at the Masters; But Should Never Attend — 8 Comments

  1. I attended 1 Masters-all 4 days in 1979 when I won a sales contest for an Atlanta based software company I worked for whose President was on the Board of Augusta. It was surreal even though the weather wasn’t great as it rained a lot. My favorite was Lee Trevino who played well but was never in the mix and Arnie didn’t even make the cut. Watching Nicklaus was amazing but the story was poor Ed Sneed who had a big lead but bogeyed the last 3 holes and then lost in a 3 way playoff with Tom Watson and Fuzzy Zoeller who birdied the second playoff hole.

    But you’re right the only way in there now is to have a pass bequeathed to you.

    thesavvyboomer’s last blog post..Happy 2nd Anniversary Boomer Chronicles

  2. I’m not into golf. My husband is a golfer – a player, not a watcher. He would like the term “golf nazi.”

    nessa’s last blog post..Fire

  3. @Savvy Boomer: President of the friggin board of Augusta National. Yeah who paid his dues??? Nice perk for him. Nice that he used that perk for the good of the company at least. How long after that did you leave?

    @Nessa: You don’t play? Why not? Maybe someday? DO NOT let him try to teach you.

  4. I was a security guard, night shift, midnight to 8am, at the Colonial Country Club in Ft. Worth back in the late ’80s. It was a fun time. The place would go nuts during the tournament and as an employee I’d get two free tickets. Usually I’d give my tickets to a canoeing buddy who was a big golfer. One year I took my dad out there. I femember seeing all the fools who were following after the players, and the club members who were acting like their shit didn’t stink. Your sentiments resonated with me when I read them.

    FHB’s last blog post..Last Friday and Sunday, we put the feed bag on.

  5. Every club has “some members who think their shit doesn’t stink”! It doesn’t have to be a big hoity toity club. Even our little club here as members like that. That will never change.

    I think you actually can see more of the tournament on TV; however, if I was to go sometime, I would spend more time (and $$) in the souvenir tents or just gawking at the grounds – the gorgeous azaleas, etc.

    Nancy’s last blog post..New Dashboard Design and March Wrap-up

  6. 60: No- he was the prez of the company I worked for but just (just?) a board member at Augusta. His freakin house reminded me of Tara from Gone with the Wind and he talked just like Clark Gable. Ahh, those were the days-1st class air travel, and you got hell if your company AMEX entertainment expense bill wasn’t at least a couple grand a month. Obviously mainframe software cost a lot more back then. I stayed a couple of more years and they eventually got bought out by Computer Associates and I got a nice plump package which let me start my own software company-but no more Masters trips.

    thesavvyboomer’s last blog post..Happy 2nd Anniversary Boomer Chronicles

  7. @thesavvyboomer: everybody should have a job at least once where they have an expense account. I used to have one – not as liberal as yours – but more liberal than now, and it’s a nice plus!