I Have a License To Buy Products You Can Tamper With

Whilst awaiting the pork ribs to cook on the grill, and watching Derby munch grass because he has a upset stomach, I have solved the economic woes of our country.

You are very welcome.

Here is the answer: the one true answer. It will lead to lower production costs for consumer goods, and higher productivity for the American worker, and raise revenue for the gummit.

Stop putting protective seals on every consumable product.

I came to this blinding flash of brilliance after I opened the third package that was impenetrable without a sharp object. No fingernail, no thumb or finger could pierce the kyptonite enhanced layer between me and my Duo-Core Feces Fluffer or my Prince Pork Rib Rub or my Treble Tri-Coat Translucent Injectable Pepto-Bismal. All essential when I consume large quantities of ribs.

Twenty years ago, 1987, se7en people died in the Chicago area because someone put cyanide in a Tylenol capsule. Tylenol went on to capture a 92% market share of the capsule market via Tylenol Gel Caps.

Nobody else has ever died of product tampering again. Nobody. The perp was never caught.

14 million people have died from smoking cigarettes. (Do the soft packs still have that little zippy strippy thing around the top to make it easy to remove the thinnest packaging -cellophane -ever developed by man?)

16 million have died or been injured from alcohol related traffic accidents. I know toddlers that can fetch and open beer cans. Those handy pop top containers! Ever notice that liquor bottles don’t have child proof caps?

187 have died from Bi-lingual Radical Ketosis of the Pituitary. Is there a tamper proof cap on access to your Pituitary?

It is imperative that the AFofL/FCC/FDABCDGoldfish or Homeland Security immediately issue an executive order that products can be sold in tamperable packaging if the buy has a license approved by the TSA/CIA/ADA/FMA/AAA.

Thank you for your support.


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I Have a License To Buy Products You Can Tamper With — 8 Comments

  1. The Tylenol thing was in 1982, not 1987. I remember it quite well because it happened at the beginning of my sophomore year of college at Northwestern. Some jerk decided it would be funny to put two capsules of Tylenol in front of every door in my dorm. The RA was *not* amused. No one ever fessed up to that, either.

    Brian’s last blog post..Seven Years, One Photograph

  2. You have just given me the most marvellous idea to melt down some viagra and syringe it in to all the foil-capped milk bottles in Tescos. I spank you.

  3. Now they are doing this same thing to bleach bottles here in Canada.
    HELLO——-it’s bleach!! What more could be added?

    Ruins my manicure every time I have to open a new bottle.


    BearNaked’s last blog post..Spa Day

  4. @BearNaked: First, for other readers… bear as in BearNaked is a blog about collecting teddy bears. 🙂

    Now Bleach??? What could possibly be the reason? That is the most ridiculous gov’t regulation I’ve heard of in a long time.

    • @Polly-Vous Francais: Thank goodness there is a movement to reduce the packaging and get rid of blister packs (should have been named “cut-me” packs.) Yeah, I forgot about the liners in boxes! Yuck.