The doctor just put me on the Do or Die Diet. You can imagine what fun I had late this afternoon, getting that news.
I’ve had sleep apnea for 17 years. Always a trailblazer, I had sleep apnea before sleep apnea was cool.
If that doesn’t impress you, try this: at the same sleep study, I was diagnosed with restless legs.
YES! The real restless legs syndrome that only recently has been made a punchline by the stupid drug companies.
I’ve been using a CPAP since they were invented. I’m a hoser. Up my nose with a rubber hose.
I’ve been snoring again for about a year. Within the past few months, I had another bodily function that seemed rather abnormal. If I lay on my back, just before dozing off, it was like a little trap door in my throat would spring shut blocking my airway.
Diagnosis: I’m so damn overweight my fat chest was collapsing my airway.
I’m going to have another sleep study so we get to pay to confirm something everybody already knows.
I need to get off my fat butt.
When I explained that sleeping downhill made it better, she wasn’t impressed. “You just moved the weight from your chest to your tummy.”
Eventually, it’s sleeping in the recliner, then upright, then she explained that I am just a few more beers and M&M’s and milkshakes, and cookies, and cake, and chocolate muffins away from…
sleeping on all fours like a puppy.
So it’s the Do or Die Diet.
- Cancel my order for 5 lbs of M & M’s for Father’s Day.
- Find somebody to give my beer to.
- Eat more greens - and the doctor pointedly said green cake didn’t count, so don’t suggest only green M & M’s. Chill comes in a green bottle so I was good to go with that if that argument would have held up.
- Stop using the computer chair to roll to the fridge.
“So how long did it take you to put on this weight?” the doctor asked.
“All my friggin’ life. ”
Here’s your sign.
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Hope the sleep study goes well. I had one of those a few years ago. Best night of sleep I’ve had in 40 years. But it didn’t help. Mine turned out to be sleep hypopnea, not apnea. I forget what the difference is, but CPAP and all the other gadgetry did not help. Our solution was separate bedrooms, which has other advantages. I can fart whenever I want to and not get fussed at… heh…
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I always thought restless leg syndrome was just a medical excuse for kicking your spouse at nights.
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See here’s the way I have it figured (rationalized) my eating habits haven’t changed, my activity and my metabolism have. Both entirely out of my control. Hunger is one of the seven Major Motivators (I can’t remember the real name) So I must eat. It’s not my fault.
It’s people like you who are gourmets and have elevated eating to an art.
It’s your fault.
@Winston: Hypopnea is an episode of apnea. CPAP will fix it. It is terribly hard on your heart when you stop breathing multiple times a minute. You might want to rethink things.
@Nancy: Can’t depend on your friends to take the beer - all Bud loveres. I just can’t bring myself to dump it.
@Gretchen: See a punchline! You make fun of midgets too?
Husband should be on the same diet. The nice thing is if you have not gotten a new CPAP in a few years the new ones are nice and small. Mr. Husband hadn’t had a sleep study since 1997 and he just had one. He still has apnea, but they redid his pressures and he got a new machine.
Good luck with everything.
I’d take any peanut M&Ms not that I should have them either.
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Actually Dr. said I just needed to “move” that I wasn’t ready for exercise yet!!!
All that hell for 12.5 pounds?
Gawd.
And you said “cookie.”