Four Safety Features No Longer on Cars.

Here is my list of four essential safety features that are no longer on today’s automobiles.

Deer whistles. I never heard or seen a deer killed by an automobile that had installed deer whistles on the front bumper. The whistles probably disappeared because cars don’t have flat spots on the front bumper anymore.
Anti-static straps underneath the rear bumper. 100% effective. No car with an anti-static electricity discharge strap has burned up by an errant spark caused by bottoming out on the highway.
White day-time running lights.Not headlights, but those little bitty round lights that used to be in the middle of the car grill that were always on. The effectiveness of these little bitty lights did not have the same record as deer whistles or anti-static electricity straps. A little bitty light didn’t stop people from slamming into the rearend the car in front of them.

Saving the most important and most needed for last:

4. Steering wheel spinners. Essential for people who eat and/or use the cell phone while driving. I will be petitioning the NASDAQ or NAMBLA or NCAAP or NASA or some National something to insist that these be retroactively installed on every moving vehicle with four or more wheels.

5 Responses to “Four Safety Features No Longer on Cars.”

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1 Gretchen
Jun 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm

NAMBLA — ha! Dreadful that you even know who they are.

I sort of miss living back East and always having to watch out for possible deer on country roads. It was always such an adventure slamming on your brakes to keep from hitting the little fuckers, not to mention listening to everyone else’s “the time I hit a deer” horror stories.

Gretchen’s last blog post..L.A. Lakers: Neener Neener Neener.
2 goinglikesixty
Jun 13th, 2008 at 2:04 pm

@Gretchen: I thought NAMBLA was the offical abbreviation for the Boy Scouts? No?
3 Gretchen
Jun 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm

HA! No, it’s the Catholic church.

Gretchen’s last blog post..L.A. Lakers: Neener Neener Neener.
4 Winston
Jun 13th, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Hey, I’ve got deer whistles on my trusty Subaru Outlook. They must work because we’ve got deer all over the place and I’ve never hit one. Work for buffalo and elephants too.

I haven’t seen or thought about steering wheel knobs for a century or two. When I was a kid, they were all the rage, especially the ones with nudie pictures on them. An uncle of mine had one with the famous Marilyn Monroe nude photo on it. All us 8 to 10 year olds would sneak over to his car just to get a peek. tee-hee… Yeah, bring ‘em back and make ‘em man-duh-tory like seat belts.

Winston’s last blog post..Dream…
5 goinglikesixty
Jun 13th, 2008 at 8:23 pm

@Winston: Thanks for adding the elephants and buffalo stats too, very important info.
MM nekkid, woo-woo! Young boys are so easily entertained.