For Sale or Trade: M&M’s and Miller Chill Beer, Trade for Baby Carrots and Water

The doctor just put me on the Do or Die Diet. You can imagine what fun I had late this afternoon, getting that news.
I’ve had sleep apnea for 17 years. Always a trailblazer, I had sleep apnea before sleep apnea was cool.
If that doesn’t impress you, try this: at the same sleep study, I was diagnosed with restless legs.
YES! The real restless legs syndrome that only recently has been made a punchline by the stupid drug companies.

I’ve been using a CPAP since they were invented. I’m a hoser. Up my nose with a rubber hose.

I’ve been snoring again for about a year. Within the past few months, I had another bodily function that seemed rather abnormal. If I lay on my back, just before dozing off, it was like a little trap door in my throat would spring shut blocking my airway.
Diagnosis: I’m so damn overweight my fat chest was collapsing my airway.

I’m going to have another sleep study so we get to pay to confirm something everybody already knows.

I need to get off my fat butt.

When I explained that sleeping downhill made it better, she wasn’t impressed. “You just moved the weight from your chest to your tummy.”

Eventually, it’s sleeping in the recliner, then upright, then she explained that I am just a few more beers and M&M’s and milkshakes, and cookies, and cake, and chocolate muffins away from…

sleeping on all fours like a puppy.

So it’s the Do or Die Diet.

  • Cancel my order for 5 lbs of M & M’s for Father’s Day.
  • Find somebody to give my beer to.
  • Eat more greens – and the doctor pointedly said green cake didn’t count, so don’t suggest only green M & M’s. Chill comes in a green bottle so I was good to go with that if that argument would have held up.
  • Stop using the computer chair to roll to the fridge.

“So how long did it take you to put on this weight?” the doctor asked.

“All my friggin’ life. ”

Here’s your sign.

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For Sale or Trade: M&M’s and Miller Chill Beer, Trade for Baby Carrots and Water — 11 Comments

  1. C students may rule the world, but they’re slow learners. So it took you over 60 years to learn that m&ms and miller aren’t food groups? Just paste that picture of the lovely naked lady from your post on your refrigerator door. It will definitely help you lose your appetite, but then again it may drive you to more drinking.

    Catch Her In the Wry’s last blog post..Justice is served.

  2. Normally, I would volunteer to drive up and get the beer. But with the price of gas, it’s cheaper for me to stay put and buy my own…

    Hope the sleep study goes well. I had one of those a few years ago. Best night of sleep I’ve had in 40 years. But it didn’t help. Mine turned out to be sleep hypopnea, not apnea. I forget what the difference is, but CPAP and all the other gadgetry did not help. Our solution was separate bedrooms, which has other advantages. I can fart whenever I want to and not get fussed at… heh…

    Winston’s last blog post..Blogging About Writing About Blogging…

  3. I wish I could persuade Ben to lose weight. I’m always terrified he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack. A few years ago a doctor scared him into taking off 20 lbs. but that has worn off.

    I always thought restless leg syndrome was just a medical excuse for kicking your spouse at nights.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Blue Balls Hockey And The Octopus Conundrum.

  4. @Catcher in the Wry: YOU said C students rule the world, smart a## 🙂
    See here’s the way I have it figured (rationalized) my eating habits haven’t changed, my activity and my metabolism have. Both entirely out of my control. Hunger is one of the seven Major Motivators (I can’t remember the real name) So I must eat. It’s not my fault.

    It’s people like you who are gourmets and have elevated eating to an art.

    It’s your fault.

    @Winston: Hypopnea is an episode of apnea. CPAP will fix it. It is terribly hard on your heart when you stop breathing multiple times a minute. You might want to rethink things.

    @Nancy: Can’t depend on your friends to take the beer – all Bud loveres. I just can’t bring myself to dump it.

    @Gretchen: See a punchline! You make fun of midgets too?

  5. Okay that picture is seriously disturbing in so many ways.
    Husband should be on the same diet. The nice thing is if you have not gotten a new CPAP in a few years the new ones are nice and small. Mr. Husband hadn’t had a sleep study since 1997 and he just had one. He still has apnea, but they redid his pressures and he got a new machine.
    Good luck with everything.
    I’d take any peanut M&Ms not that I should have them either.

    Sassy Mama Bear’s last blog post..Weekly Word Challenge #7 ~ Heavy/Light and Heads or Tails #17

  6. @Sassy Mama Bear: Yes, I have a new CPAP and they are small. A little too small, I will roll over pull it off the nightstand! I get pretty wrapped up in my hose sometimes. No Peanut M&M’ in this house!

  7. Are you giving away food and beer now? Not that any of the rest of us really need it. It reminds me of being a kid and that lame line your mother would give you about millions of children starving in China or India when you didn’t finish your dinner … “ahhhh, then wrap it up and mail it to ’em!”

    me again’s last blog post..the diamonds that care

  8. @me again: thank you for calling M&M’s a food. Some commenters disagree. Daughter sent me story about Disney rebuilding It’s A Small World because fatties were causing the boats to bottom out. Disney denies it.

  9. Man, just a little late Mark. Had you caught me before I had THE lecture from my doctor…I might have taken all those M&M’s off your hands. You know how I love those little critters; but nope, not these days. I’m in Diet Hell too. Hey, I can only root you on….and I most certainly do. I’m in Exercise Hell too….for a little over a month now. Walking, dieting…the whole bit. My body hates me. It doesn’t know what the hell’s going on. I ache, but I’v lost about 12 1/2 pounds….if I can put any faith in my scale. Just do it Mark….keep going….I’ll be rooting for you Beerless Boy. And anyway….there comes a time when you just don’t have a choice. That would be Moi. Good Luck Cookie…..

    Joy’s last blog post..Notes from Joy

  10. @Joy: Thanks. I appreciate your words of support – Beerless Boy, I want a T-shirt with that. I think I will probably start tomorrow on the exercise. I gotta find my bike.
    Actually Dr. said I just needed to “move” that I wasn’t ready for exercise yet!!!
    All that hell for 12.5 pounds?
    And you said “cookie.”