Monthly Archive for August, 2008

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Why Google and I Deserve Each Other

Some people know how to deliver a load of crap, while others know how to handle it. Google has special toilets that allow 14 options after you have released the chocolate hostages. I can generate a massive data drop. Sergey and Brin, let’s start negotiations again.

We are a match made in Toto.

I would love the cleasing options: front and rear – and the dryer? Warm air blowing on my ass? Sweet. Oscillating? Ummmmmmmm, ummmmmm.

Wand cleaning? Man! They have a way to clean my wand? Or is this a preliminary rectal exam? Or is this spyware?

I’m also concerned that the stop button is massive and brightly colored. Has there been an accident using GooglePoop?

h/t

Fly American Airlines for an Unforgettable Experience

Published on August 24, 2008 in Empty Nesters and Random. 7 Comments

American Airlines deserves to die. Their equipment is old, their people are old, their attitude is old.

The only reason AA hasn’t died is that some corporate travel agents, high award miles travelers, and the brain dead are still willing to put up with their crap. That has to be the reason. We had a chance to choose a different airline when we took our vacation, but I went brain dead.

We love Southwest Airlines, and fortunately they fly most places we want to go. Except outside the U.S. Belize is outside the U.S.
On four short legs here is our American experience:

Aborted takeoff because of cargo bay door open indicator light.
Smaller seats than Southwest. AA = 31″or 32″; Southwest 32″ or 33″ wide. Yes, I can tell the difference! If Nancy wasn’t sitting beside me so we could put up the armrest I would have ended up disabled and need of a hip replacement.
Videotaped emergency instructions. Yeah, it’s a big deal. I want to look at the people who are on the plane to ensure my safety. I want them standing in the aisle with a smile on their face reassuring me that if I need an “emergency flotation device” (not life vest because the opposite of life is death) when “outside” the aircraft (not bobbing like a cork in the ocean, which is outside the aircraft in the “unlikely event of a water landing.” Water LANDING?)
Early arrival in Dallas – only to sit on the tarmac for 20 mintues waiting for a gate to open
Waiting at the gate for another 20 minutes for somebody to bring the jetway to the plane
An hour delay waiting for a plane to come from Nashville to Dallas to take us to Nashville. WTF?
A really old dude crew member acting like a flight attendant. Older than Me! By five years! And he’s checking with people in the emergency row to make sure THEY can assist him in case of an emergency. Did anybody check him?

Southwest Rocks.

“If low-cost carriers have the capital to survive high fuel prices, they will find considerable new opportunities. In the U.S., legacy carriers are not only increasing fares but also adding a lot of fees. There is a bigger cost differential between Southwest and legacy carriers than there has been in a long time.”

American Airlines deserves to die. The sooner the better.

Dreaming Within My Means

Published on August 23, 2008 in Cars, Empty Nesters and Holy Shit! Lookit This!. 8 Comments

Finally! Somebody is designing a golf cart for Boomers. Us guys who grew up wishing we had the hottest car in town, but didn’t have a job. Us guys who, when we had a job, had a family. Us guys who are saving for retirement and don’t want to blow tens of thousands of dollars on a car just to park in the garage save for a few cruise-ins a year.

This golf cart is designed for us guys who still love to draw attention to our wheels.

I had this idea first.

Bad-Ass Golf Carts.

My idea was to adapt a snowmobile engine to our golf cart. Since snowmobile engines are/were driven by belts, it seemed to me that this would be an easy adaptation to a conventional golf cart. I don’t even think the suspension would have to be strengthened.

These bad boys took the cart to a new level – literally. They say if you can’t jump it, dump it. These aren’t the lame-o golf carts with bodies to resemble a Rolls Royce or a Hummer, but with a puny gas engine – or God forbid – run on a battery. These are bonafide HOT WHEELS.

The company specializes in 24HP Honda V-Twin engines to give your cart an extra boost, and offers extras like 14″ off-road suspension systems, headliner TVs, video game installations, satellite radio, A/C, 20″ rims, air bags…

I’m not sure about the knobby tires, Bob The Greensman would probably disapprove, but I would love to fire up 24 horsepower and blow the doors balls off the guys in the other cart.

I think I would go for the California Roadster, but make it the Redneck Roadster…

But if push came to shove and I needed Nancy’s buy in, this would clinch it… the Hot Pink with Leopard seats.

Yeah, I’d drive it! Real slow to the first tee, suffer the insults, then careen down the first fairway at top speed… laffing all the way… and let Bob The Greensman try to catch me.

One modification I would make though. The roll cage would definitely have to be stronger. Da, if we weren’t committed to that Smart Car. OTOH, what we’re paying for the Smart, we could each have a hot cart!

PS: didja notice that the model is cock-eyed?

M & M Premiums Look Like Rejects from Exxon Valdez

Published on August 23, 2008 in M & Ms. 5 Comments

Oh well, now just come on. I wasn’t going to write anything about the new M & M Premiums because everybody knows that their premium candy are regular M & M candy coated lovelies.

Then I came across this picture of the new candy.

Now, tell me what is premium looking about these candies? They look like old marbles, or moldy costume jewelry from Aunt Maude’s ring, or pebbles from a beach that has been covered in Exxon Valdez oil for a dozen years.

There is no CRUNCH! Just the metallic looking skin.

Then there is this: the candies will be launched during New York Fashion Week. The home of the Size 0. Where one M & M can cause wide spread puking. Here are the innards of the new M&M’s