Git Ma 5 Iron Maw, We’s Havin’ Some Squirrel!

We had unwanted company yesterday. As Nancy was carrying in goodies in from her shopping spree, she spied a rodent perched on a curtain rod in the “breezeway” between garage and house. It’s always closed up so there is only one way in – through the door to the garage, which I usually leave open when I come and go. I wasn’t very popular because of our uninvited guest.

My strategy was simple (I have yet to develop ever a complicated one.)

Open the sliding door and go to bed.

How do you know if a squirrel is smart enough to go out an open door? You don’t – because they aren’t. Those stupid rodents just keep hanging around.

Squirrels are malaria ridden, tuberculois carrying, flea infested, SARS infected rodents.

I could see the hateful, destructive, bird-feeder raiding, creature-from-the-black-tree, still had some life. The dumbass was just hanging by one foot. Rather than run out the open garage door, the little bastard decided to  crawl around on the top of some folding chairs. So there he hung by one foot! Ha! serves you right enemy of mine.

I eventually released it, fully expecting it to crawl up my leg and get some nuts.

It’s didn’t, but that sucker was still alive, I could smell the birdseed on it’s breath. On my first squirrel hunt this is the way things went down…

I immediately went into DefCon One. Ripping off my suit and tie (yes I always dress up on Saturday morning) and lunging into my camos, I screamed DefCon ONE!!! and my wife sprung into action. By the time I got up from the fall caused by tripping over my camo pants, she had the car backed out and the top town.

Nancy knew we were going squirrel hunting because she spotted this second one, and she knew she needed to drive while I manned the five iron. We have changed from the convertible to a more maneuverable Gypsy. And we have added a squirrel tracker to the family. She scooped Sofi up, I hopped on the back, and we were off.

It wasn’t even close, the little sucker was limping down the road, still woozy from having a brain full of squirrel blood.

I took careful aim.

Bingo! Another head for the NASCAR/Cigar Bar.

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Git Ma 5 Iron Maw, We’s Havin’ Some Squirrel! — 9 Comments

  1. AHA! He left out the important part of the story. When I finally convinced him to see the damage the squirrel did in the garage….he FOLLOWED (that’s important, because he didn’t lead) me and I realized the squirrel was caught in the chair and yelled “it’s there in the chair”. He immediately shut the door and stood there till I yelled “I think he hung himself on the chair!” Ahhhhh, my hero!

    Reminds me of another story when I was 10 months (yes, 10 months) pregnant with 1st daughter. Got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and realized there was something big and black in the toilet (and it wasn’t poop!) and I ran back into the bedroom to awaken the sleeping king. His answer was “can’t you wait till morning to go to the bathroom?” Any person that’s been pregnant knows the feeling that if you have to go, you have to go RIGHT NOW! So of course, being the dutiful wife, I crawled back in bed and laid there till daylight! His answer to the problem, was to flush the toilet!

    A night or two later we had a couple over and a damn bat flew through the living room! It was a mate to the one that got flushed!! I wish you could have seen these two grown men running through our apartment with tennis rackets trying to get the bat!

    To clarify the 10 month pregnancy – due date was 7/31 and she didn’t choose to join the world till 8/31!

  2. Right, that’s it. I’m alerting PETA to you people!!!

    That bat would’ve been lovely sautee’d and added to a salad. What a waste!

  3. I once killed a squirrel when I pounded a real worm burner down the 9th fairway. He was heading a across about half way down when my ball hit a bump and slugged him right upside the head. He was dead by the time we got there.

    Since the owners of the course frowned on barbecuing squirrels on the fairways, my friend whopped the corpse over the tree line and landed it on the 10th green just as the members of the local garden club were putting out. I complimented my friend on his amazing accuracy.

    Kirk M´s last blog post..Please Excuse the Interruption in Service

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