My 100 Word Order for the Fresh President of Pennsylvania Avenue


Okay, we have elected the electors who will pick us out a nice fresh president. Both are well ripened if age and blackness are a factor.

In 100 words what would be your instructions, nay orders, to our new president to do in the first 100 days in office?

Here’s what some big thinkers are thinking:

  • Focus the nation
  • Stop picking on China
  • Fix the air
  • Fix the economy
  • Fix global warming

What a bunch of loons.

Milo: Stop teasing that dog, you hear me. Stop teasing him. Sonny, I’m gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that.
Teddy: Yeah, I’d like to see you climb over this fence and get me, fat ass!
Milo: Don’t you call me that, you little tin weasel peckerwood looney’s son.

The new president won’t be able to find his ass with a flashlight in the first hundred days, let alone tackle the really important stuff.

The first problem the president faces is nobody seems to know, or they are not telling, when the House of Representatives and Senate are in session. I looked for about an hour online searching mostly at senate.gov and forget it!

However, here’s my mandate to the Fresh President of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Appoint an Officer of Common Sense. This person doesn’t need a staff an office or a pension. Their sole duty is to follow the Fresh President around and inject common sense when needed. I’m thinking the old *cough/bullshit* would work nicely. The Officer of Common Sense would change whenever the current Officer of Common Sense flames out, or his or her head explodes, or every 100 days, which ever comes first. Joe the Plumber, hell yeah! Going Like Sixty, oh absolutely.

Others that I think would be not intimidated and would be interested:

  • Catch Her In the Wry: Corn belt queen, experienced in finance, small business owner, forced out of real estate by unscrupulous brokers.
  • Jannaverse: Rust belt queen, very small town Xer, who asks great questions consistently like: 1. If brownies could sneeze, would the snot look like hot fudge?
  • Mostly Illiterate: Big city/suburb queen king, daily commuter into Chicago, knows a lot and can use massive power tools with great authority.
  • Queen of Shake Shake: Mom fighting all the mom stuff and having a GREAT hair day.
  • Just-thinkin’: Crotchety old submariner who is fighting the VA just to get basic medical needs.
  • Redneck Diva: She found God a few months ago, feather indian who lives on a flood plain in Oklahoma but doesn’t have any oil wells. I’m not sure if she gave up swearing, might be a problem.
  • Suburban Hippie: A republican lawyer married to a republican lawyer living in SoCal. I bet she says *cough/bullshit* while overhearing conversations just walking around Costco.
  • Midget Man of Steel: Now Moog might be a problem. He would probably use the F word to often and certainly wouldn’t *cough* to cover it up. But he is multi-lingual “Actually, I think Asians talk like bullets being fired in a metal room: Ping Woong Pingawooong Bing Da!”

I have a lot of folks in my blog roll who are qualified, it’s just the interest that concerns me. And to be blunt, I’m not sure they can be rude profane forceful enough. Of those that made the list, if I offended you I am truly sorry.

Moving on.

Right there is a 1000 days of common sense covered. Easy-peasy. This would be so much fun.

Picture it.

You are in a room full of suits. Guys would wear jeans and their favorite team hoodie. Women would wear whatever doesn’t make them look fat that day whatever they think is appropriate from their own closet. No big-budget shopping spree here. Officer of Common Sense must look like they have common sense.

In walks the president’s good friend and former senate colleague and blah, blah, blah, to lobby the Fresh President of Pennsylvania Avenue on fixing the economy.

You let nine words escape his pie hole, “*cough/bullshit!*”

The lobbyist ignores you, that’s what lobbyists do. “*cough/horseshit*”

She hesitates, glances annoyingly at one of the elebenty staffers in tow. The staffer moves toward you, and you give your best “hi-ya” yell and jump at them. Knowing full well that you have a huge Secret Service dude backing you up.

The lobbyist rankles and mutters under his breath, “corn queen, Xer, tool with bad hair, tin can driver, God fearing, hippie, freak.” As Officer of Common Sense you are allowed one come back. You may quote Milo: “little tin weasel peckerwood looney’s son/daughter.”

“Mr. President, as your Officer of Common Sense it is my duty to inform you that this person is not making any common sense and you should move on to your next appointment.”

Holy crappers! This would work!

If I only knew when the Senate and House were in session so I could contact my representative.

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Comments

My 100 Word Order for the Fresh President of Pennsylvania Avenue — 18 Comments

  1. @Sherry Martschink: AMAZING. I really did search using “calendar” and “session.” I usally would get rules on getting something on the agenda or legislative calendar. AMAZING. Thank you so much. I wish I was as good a searcher as you.

  2. addendum: now that I look closely, That is the last congress. It’s for the 110th. The upcoming congress is the 111th.

    Sherry, if you come back again, can you see if you can find the 111th sked?

  3. Thanks for the recommendation. I like to think of myself as the Queen of Common Sense. Because I have so much common sense, I would not be intimidated, but I would also never involve myself in the affairs of government.

    Catch Her In the Wry´s last blog post..Decision Day

  4. Hey now, I like the sound of this. And I’d get to rush in do some yelling while I’m at it? And get paid for it?

    Nope…sounds great but it’s obviously too good to be true. Too bad though, it really did peak my interest (and got me a link too–thanks!).

    Kirk M´s last blog post..Vote Smart or Vote Stupid?

  5. And they really became irritated at me when they found out I brought the mad cow along with me for proof.

    Just so you know, they postponed the surgery (after I got down there and went through pre-op etc, etc) due to my blood sugar being too high so I get to do it all over again in another couple of months. Ask me how I love it. Go ahead…ask me.

    On second though, don’t ask me.

    Really glad to be back though. 😎

    Kirk M´s last blog post..Vote Smart or Vote Stupid?

  6. And they became especially irritated at me when they found out i brought the mad cow along with me as proof.

    By the way, after I got down to Boston and did the pre-op and was admitted, they postponed the surgery at the last minute due to high blood sugar (468 to be exact). So I get to due the whole thing over again in 2 to 3 months. Oh hoo-the f***-ray.

    Glad to be back though, thanks! 😎

    Kirk M´s last blog post..Vote Smart or Vote Stupid?

  7. It was the A1C test (blood workup for glucose) that killed it. It shows the average glucose level for the past 3 months. But then again I’m a 5′ 11″, 150 lb man who eats right and doesn’t have a sweet tooth that was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years ago which doesn’t exactly make me a prime candidate for this malady. So I’m strange and unusual, already?

    Kirk M´s last blog post..Vote Smart or Vote Stupid?

  8. @Heather, Queen of Shake Shake: are you a mean drunk? Yes, the Officer of Common Sense has to be sober. I’m sorry, you are disqualified unless you are willing to give up the Margaritas.