Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
…Ogden Nash
Hoping your 2009 is Sweet!
Monthly Archive for December, 2008
It is inevitable that a chain of Boomer-Chucka-Lucka strip joints open up.
Eventually we all will have a new hip or knee or both, and this kind of entertainment will be in high demand. The business just makes so much sense, no labor laws, no tipping, 4:20 Retiree Special. Robots as strippers. Puts a whole new spin on the kind of joints Boomers hang out in, right?
Brought to you buy Doctors I.C. Neese and Will Kuttem, orthopedic surgeons.
Obviously this is addressed to empty-nesters. Of course you lock it if still have your children living with you. But ninty-nine times out of ten, I don’t even shut the bathroom door. I can get pretty creative with my flatulence and I need an audience, and the acoustics are better with the door open. (Nancy is still raving about my Hail to the Chief on the morning of Change. That was a rare fine morning after chili, tacos, and Miller Chill. I focus now on tooting: “Yes We Can.”
Why do I ask?
Because some genius has decided geezers need a timer on their bathroom locks.
The theory is this.
- I simply must have the bathroom door shut and locked.
- I am doing something that I don’t want to be caught doing.
- Things might get slippery.
- I fall.
- I lie there with fluids leaking from my body.
- I eventually will die because Nancy would never think to look for me when the garage door won’t stay down because it’s too cold and the grease is congealed and it almost makes it to the bottom and the track hiccups and the door thinks there is a foot in the way and goes back up because it’s trained to do that.
So here’s the solution:
- Put a lock on the door with a timer.
- When the time is up, and I haven’t deactivated the lock, the lock will dial-up the police, fire department, social security, and our John Hardcock Life insurance agent.
Will you punks stop inventing stuff for “the Burgeoning Baby Boomer Market!” Like Lincolns that parallel park themselves? Hear, read this, if you want to know what we like.
If I have fluids leaking from my body or my head is smashed against the tile floor after bouncing off the edge of the tub, will the lock hear my screams? I think having sound deactivation would be much more desirable. Except I might need a fart muffler.
With sound deactivation, It would be just like the old days, when your kids were learning to release the chocolate hostages, but couldn’t wipe themselves. IIIII’MMMMMMM DDDDOOOOOONNNNEEEEEE.
Door unlocks.
Help, I’ve lowered my standards and can’t get up.
I don’t have anything, except what you already have heard/read/said a few dozen times. This year, Father Time will get sloppy seconds and there will be 61 seconds in some minute sometime soon to make up for the slowing down of the earth. I only put it here so I could write that headline.
Happy New Year.
UPDATE: If this gets comments, when I spent hours on my poem which generated no comments, I will stop writing.
TeeVee. I watch it alot. I watch the same thing a lot. I watched Castaway last night and I think it’s the fourth time. It’s not THAT good, it’s just on TeeVee alot. So I thought I would give this meme a spin, via Sunday Stealing (love that thought) and A Light in the Dark.
Back to Sunday Stealing, I’ll start work on a meme for Breaking the Nine Commandments. I’ll go first, but you can be thinking. I’ll probably tag people, that’s always popular. So here’s your warning.
Now to the TeeVee Program Meme
1. Name a TV show series in which you have seen every episode at least twice: Just one? Andy of Mayberry, Andy Griffith Show, M*A*S*H*, Law and Order, Gunsmoke, Beverly Hillbillies, Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. … oh crap, if it’s on TVLand I’ve seen them all a couple times.
2. Name a show you can’t miss:
Survivor.
3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to watch a show:
Angie Harmon if she was still 30.
4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to watch a show:
Barney
5. Name a show you can, and do, quote from:
None. (can that be right? think.) Yup. none. (this bothers me… I don’t want to lie here, but I don’t even quote the Stooges.) Nope, I don’t quote TeeVee programs. I’m not a snob, I just don’t remember the good lines.
6. Name a show you like that no one else enjoys:
No one else? Then it wouldn’t be on the TeeVee. Pass
7. Name a TV show which you’ve been known to sing the theme song:
Beverly Hillbillies. Have Gun, Will Travel. (ear worm, thanks!)
8. Name a show you would recommend everyone to watch:
Pass, “everyone” is too broad.
9. Name a TV series you own:
None. That’s dumb, when there’s TVland.
10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium, but has surprised you with his/her acting chops in television:
Sure as hell not Fred Thompson. Good lord that guy can. not. act. Oh, that rapper guy on all the law/crime shows, you know who I mean.
11. What is your favorite episode of your favorite series?
The last episode of Newhart. Only the best ending ever – there can be no better. M*A*S*H* was my favorite series and the last episode of that was a tear jerker, but gotta go with Newhart.
12. Name a show you keep meaning to watch, but you just haven’t gotten around to yet:
MadMen – don’t get that channel.
13. Ever quit watching a show because it was so bad?
Like quit forever? Or just the episode? Yeah, Dancing With The Stars. I’ve quit that show regularly.
14. Name a show that’s made you cry multiple times:
None. TeeVee just doesn’t suck me in like that. Too many commercials.
15. What do you eat when you watch TV?
Chocolate Chip Vanilla Ice Cream with Hershey’s Chocolate Sauce and chocolate chips on top and peanuts too if there are any around. Sometimes, I’ll put M&M’s in place of the chocolate chips. And Sofi also eats some because I usually spill on myself.
16. How often do you watch TV?
Robin Meade Fix at 6:30 a.m. to 7:15 a.m. then 5:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. every weekday; Saturday, depends on the time of year. Sunday, same. Weekend evenings from 6:00 to 9:30/10:00/11:00. Not much this time of year because I’m not into sports. Except NASCAR and that’s just racin’ they aren’t athletes. So I’m guessing I watch about 40 hours of television a week. That’s pretty normal, right?
17. What’s the last TV show you watched?
We fall asleep with the TV on, so that’s not watching. It was… last night… wait… probably CBS because we like their news at 10… I dunno…. yes I do, they replayed the Olympic Opening Ceremonies and that was it. Ta Da!
18. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of TV?
The one currently on the screen.
19. What was the first TV show you were obsessed with?
Twilight Zone, creeped me out a lot.
20. What TV show do you wish you never watched?
Some spin-off of another show. And that would be… Joanie Loves Chachi
21. What’s the weirdest show you enjoyed?
Winky Dink and You.
22. What TV show scared you the most?
Twilight Zone
23. What is the funniest TV show you have ever watched?
I really like the Carol Burnett skits with Harvey Korman and Tim Conway. But maybe that’s because of all the infomercials.
TeeVee – the vast wasteland and worst time suck of all time – even worse than computers. I wish the whole TeeVee deal would die.
Imagine the fun we would have.
I hate TeeVee.
