A Lot of Times, Slow is Best


Aging has it’s advantages. Oh there are drawbacks to be certain, just the aches and pains can be a drag. But then something comes along to remind you that being fastest or first isn’t always to my advantage. Today was one of those days. Otherwise, I would have owned this.

That’s right, you maggots, I would have had this sweet Dessert Storm, sweet pain, saccharine delivering, dog torturing
MARSHMALLOW POPPER.

Because I was slow getting to my email and didn’t see this alert until mid-morning. I missed it. I have one hope. Saint Todd DeCubbville also gets the email reminders. And Woot.com offers $5 shipping no matter how many items you purchase. There is a holiday coming soon, I’m told.

This is my Marshmallow Popper. My Marshmallow Popper is my best friend, because all my other friends are tired of me shooting mini-marshmallows at them all the time. Marshmallows are sold separately. Without marshmallows, my popper is useless. Without me, I am useless. I must pop my marshmallows true. I must pop straighter than my enemy, who is trying to make me sticky. I must goo him before he goos me. I swear this creed: my Marshmallow Popper and myself are major annoyances to my family, my friends, and my country. And don’t get me started on my pets. So be it, until we run out of marshmallows, or somebody breaks my Marshmallow Popper to make me stop. Amen.

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