“How Cold Is It?”

January. It’s sometimes cold in January. Cold is relative. If it’s 45 degrees on South Beach it’s cold, if it’s -45 in Hibbing, Minnesota, it’s cold. It’s cold, I heard it on the weather. I heard it on the news. I heard it on the sports. I heard it at the drive-through. I heard it taking off my coat. I heard it at the urinal.

It’s cold.

With respect to Johnny Carson, the master of the multiple answers to single question schtick.

How Cold Is It? It’s so cold…

  • I had to chisel the dog off the flagpole
  • I broke the smoke off our chimney
  • I left the fridge door open to warm up this morning
  • my false teeth were chattering and they were still in the glass
  • I’m looking forward to getting a fever
  • I’m  flicking my Bics in my pocket
  • my balls have became ovaries
  • my car won’t start running and my nose won’t stop
  • the rock rattling around in my shoe is my big toe
  • the steam off of my head created a war between two Indian villages
  • I only had time to pee “60” in the snow
  • I chopped up the piano to get wood – only got two chords
  • Rush Limbaugh was the hottest air in my car

How cold is it at your house? Not the temperature… give me an analogy, please.








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