Monthly Archive for February, 2009

Page 6 of 9

Only a Cigar Seller Would This Blunt.

Published on February 14, 2009 in Baby Boomer, Entertainment and Shopping. 5 Comments Tags: .

That’s a bad pun: a type of cigar is a “blunt.”

Much to the chagrin of family, I took up smoking cigars a couple years ago. I usually smoke one on Saturday and one on Sunday – weather permitting. Deciding which cigar I would smoke was pretty easy: nothing more than $2 each. Shopping at a cigar store is like shopping at Tiffany for diamonds. A diamond is a diamond, but Tiffany is able to charge more because of the name and the wrapper.
Here in Smallburg, there is only one cigar store. I knew if I walked in there, I wouldn’t find a $2 cigar. The only retail store that sells $2 cigars is Walgreen’s.
Google to the rescue. CigarsInternational.com got my biz because they had a super-duper new customer special. Buy a box of 20 cigars and get a free humidor, all for $39.95 + shipping.
That will work.
Normally I just toss the catalogs they send me weekly, today I am in the market, so while watching them play golf at Pebble Beach, I would check out their offerings over the 76 pages.
Classic.
On page 59 are the $19.99 closeouts. For 20 or 25 cigars!
Check out the descriptions for a variety of cigars…

…for just a few sheckels, here are some…handmades in here that you, me, Jonesy, Dean-o, Murf and the boys can enjoy when we’re tearing up the muni course on a Saturday morning.

  • Dominican handmade smokable… if only barely
  • a straightforward, mild smoke that won’t make you vomit
  • 80 cent price can only be justified if you are knee deep in the sauce and not thinking straight
  • Run my friend, run far and fast, no matter how the price might tempt you
  • A Don Nobody you should not consider buying
  • This thing was DOA from day one

I don’t think I have ever read more brutal product descriptions from a seller. But when they are so brutally honest on this one page, it lends credibility to the other 75 pages and hundreds of cigar descriptions.

I decided on the chocolate maduros.

Friday the 13th and I Got Nuttin’

Published on February 13, 2009 in Holy Shit! Lookit This!. 3 Comments Tags: , , .


slo-mo-raspberries

Happy Friday to the Tacky Racooon.

Leave It To Cleavage Meets MaHellYeah Jackson

Published on February 11, 2009 in Baby Boomer. 4 Comments Tags: .

Boy does this request bring back memories.

Attention quipsters and word nerds: My dear friend and fellow softball player from college is now trying out for an LA roller derby team and needs a name.

Roller Derby. I knew it was kinda-sorta still around, but since I haven’t seen it on the TeeVee in a while, I pretty much forgot about it.

We used to go to the Roller Derby regularly in Saginaw, Michigan. We lived in Bay City, Michigan and could make the trip up River Road to the arena in 30 minutes.  I don’t recall if they had a home-team or two teams just got together for a special event. Probably the latter.

John and Joyce went with us once and showed up at our front door with home-made jerseys over their regular clothes and did a cheer. I  have it on 8mm film! I have shots of the Roller Derby on 8 mm film too.

Of course, the women put on the best show. I’m positive the outfits women roller derbettes wear now are very sexy. Back then, they wore pretty much the same uniforms as the men.

One of the Roller Derbettes looked exactly like Nancy… the film is amazing.

Now Roller Derby is all female.

To help prime the pump, the person who is asking for help provided these names of current Roller Derby women:

  • Amber Waves of Pain — Windy City Rollers
  • Babe Ruthless — Arizona Roller Derby
  • Bash-kin Robbins — Ohio Roller Girls
  • Busty Rhymes — Palmetto State Rollergirls
  • MaHellYeah Jackson — Rockford Rage
  • Block-n-Deck-Her — North Star Roller Girls
  • Leave it to Cleavage — Sonoma County Roller Derby
  • Titty Titty Bang Bang — LA Derby Dolls

and of course, since I’m from Kentucky and Ashley Judd is from Kentucky…

  • Ashley Thudd — MTL Roller Derby

For the record: Nancy says it was not fake.

Back then, the track was banked. (It’s flat now.) Teams would skate around the track and when the whistle blew, one would break out and circle around and try to pass opposing team members. A point was scored for each opposing team member passed. The “jammer” as the scorer was called could call off the “jam” with a hands on hips motion. Of course the blockers were brutes and tried to put the jammer over the rail and onto the concrete floor as often as possible.

Great fun!

My suggestion for the wannabe? Victorious Secret.

How Do I Call 1-800-I-Fly-SWA on a Blackberry?

Published on February 11, 2009 in Technology. 1 Comment Tags: , .

It’s not my phone, it’s my Baby Boomer wife’s. Sometimes she lets me use it. Like when we are in Albuquerque and she is in bed and when she isn’t in bed, she is up puking, and I think these two Baby Boomers need to just call it a bust and catch the next flight home, so I find her phone to call Southwest to re-book our flight home.

1-800-I-FLY-SWA on the phones I use is 1-800-435-9792.

blackberrykeypad

On her Blackberry it’s 1-800 – 34period-2 question mark cross question mark (or something like that.)

Seriously, Baby Boomers, if you have a QWERTY keyboard on your phone, are the “spell-a-phone-number” mnemonics worthless?

Baby Boomer Prankster: Steve Wozniak Joins Dancing With The Stars

Published on February 10, 2009 in Baby Boomer. 1 Comment

Baby Boomer Steve Wozniak is a cult hero to those of us who love Macs. He also is a hero to those of us who love a great practical joke. It will be fun to see how people react to him as a dancer on Dancing with the Stars.

Steve Wozniak – Woz – was the co-founder of Apple along with another super star Baby Boomer Steve Jobs. While Jobs remains active, some say too active, at Apple, Woz has just lead the life of an unreformed juvenile delinquent, while drawing a paycheck from Apple for doing nothing.

Wozniak loves practical jokes.

  • While still in school, Woz had very realistic classroom assignment cards printed up which he substitute for the real classroom assignment cards.  It took the  entire morning to sort it all out.
  • Wozniak made a “zapper” to disrupt TeeVee signals at his command. At one point, he had his college roommate holding the rabbit ears above his head with one hand on the screen to get a “clear” picture. More recently, some prankster bloggers took it further and bought a zapper. They went to a Consumer Electronics Show and screwed up all the signals. They said they were sorry.
  • Wozniak even pimped his own partner at Apple – introducing the Zaltair (totally fake) at a major Apple show.

When the first Apple was introduced at the First West Coast Computer Faire, Wozniak decided to unveil something else: the Zaltair, a computer he made up. He printed fake brochures with appalling puns such as “verZatility”, “BAZIC” and “perZonality”, sneaked them into piles of legitimate promotional material, and then blamed somebody else. Years later, Woz confessed. “I went out to dinner with Steve Jobs and told him the whole thing,” Woz said. “He was beside himself. He had never once suspected me.”

  • Wozniak convinced a waitress he was Pavarotti.
  • He convinced the feds he was the “Laser Safety Officer, Department of Defiance.”
  • Called the Pope pretending to be Henry Kissinger. When someone said they would wake the Pontiff, Wozniak quickly hung up.

So what happened to pranks?

  • TeeVee. Starting with Chuck Barris, who was in Smallburg, KY last weekend, and The Gong Show, all the way through major motion pictures, Jackass, people realize if they have a great prank it is their shot at 15 minutes of fame.
  • Youtube.com. Pranksters do pranks for attention. (Personal experience.) Back in the day, to get the attention one had to hang around while the prank was happening and enjoy the chaos and then fess up. Now, pranksters do their thing, record it, and put it on the web.

My best prank in high school was with my Baby Boomer band-buddy, Brad. I played Baritone – technically Euphonium, he played Tuba – technically Sousaphone, the big one that wrapped around him like an yawning anaconda. During marching season, the band was divided into squads. We were a part of g-squad.

There were rules in band. Brad and I made up our own set of rules. G-Squad Laws. Aside from the title, it was a typewritten page full of gibberish. Double-talk.

Since I had access to the school mimeograph, I took the title of publisher and ran off a hundred or so copies and we passed them out.

The band director and principal were just sure this was subversive material meant to discredit and ridicule the band director. (They got the second part right.)

I’m sure if this happened today, I would have been arrested, psych-evaluated, and medicated.