Things I Refuse To Do to Lose Weight

Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit gained a couple pounds. He whined about it in a post and then came back today talking himself out of his funk.

“That’s silly, Chicken Not-So-Little,” said Sh*tty-Witty calmly. “You’ve been doing so well just eating more sensibly and exercising a little more frequently. Why not just keep doing what you’ve been doing and trust that the numbers will work themselves out in the end?”

“That’s very sensible advice,” said Chicken Not-So-Little, and so she went home and continued doing what she had been doing, eating more sensibly and exercising a little more frequently.”

I’m in a cold weather-induced funk this week. I haven’t exercised at ALL. It’s just too damned cold to go outside, except to walk the one animal that won’t pee or poop in the backyard. This hardly qualifies as exercise.

When the weather gave us a break and temps got to 50+, I was an exercise maniac. I swam laps and did weight training five times a week.

But this week, all I want to do is huddle up. I miss my body fat when it comes to weeks like this. I was warmer with my fat body.

Jack Sh*t’s point was that it’s OK to have setbacks. Thanks Jack! I’m taking mine this week – or until the weather breaks, whichever comes first.

Even though Jack apparently doesn’t like official diets, I do. But I have drawn the line I won’t cross when it comes to losing weight.

  • No gadgets. Boy, those Tee Vee info-mercials sure make it look easy. And the people sure look good. Real good. I’ve come close, but so far, I haven’t succumbed to gadgetry to remove the poundage.

Heath_Robinson

  • No surgery. Lap-band surgery sure sound appealing – when I weighed 280. Not so much anymore. What an easy way to lose weight. You pay a crap-load of money to have a band tied around your guts to prevent food entering your stomach where it is then absorbed to make fat. If I wasn’t so damned cheap, I would have asked my doc about it. I qualified as being morbidly obese. Now I’m just overweight.

I’ve decided that having a gizmo attached to my tongue to make it hurt to eat wouldn’t be fun either.

The medical procedure involves stitching a small piece of polyethylene mesh onto a patient’s tongue, making it painful to ingest solid foods and forcing a low-calorie, liquid diet.

I like masticating and do it five times a day or more.

  • No Alli weight loss pills. (Ally Bank must love that they share a name with a weight-loss pill with gross side effects)

They include anal leakage, extreme diarrhea, sudden defecation, the need for adult diapers and dark pants, gas, bloating, vitamin deficiencies, etc.

I actually purchased the Alli and was ready to give it a go (literally) until I opened the box and really read all the side effects. There was no way – none – that I would even give “anal leakage” a shot.

Anal Leakage

So here I am. Just dieting and exercising. What everybody said is right: there is no easy way to lose weight without watching what you put in your face and then moving to get your body to 1. burn it off or 2. change it to muscle.

But I’m open to your suggestions. If you know of an easy and cheap way to lose weight that doesn’t involve surgery, is cheap, and doesn’t cause anal leakage, I’m your man.

Excuse me now, it’s time for me to masticate again.

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Comments

Things I Refuse To Do to Lose Weight — 5 Comments

  1. Look, it’s February, it’s cold, lots of miserable weather and you’ve two nasty snow storms in less than month. That, plus a good dose of cabin fever is enough to drive anybody bonkers so have a (healthy?) snack and relax. You folks have more warm weather down there than you have cold so you’ll have plenty of time to make for the hibernation blues.

    And where the hell do you get these crazy gifs anyway?
    .-= Kirk M´s last blog pithCan you read this? (and other online complaints) =-.

  2. @Kirk M: I am a creature of habit, once I get out of a routine, it’s hard for me to get back going. I think I can handle it.
    That gif started out as a video a long time ago. It never left my memory.

  3. Hello. I would love to lose weight for my wedding. I have tried so many things and so many different diets but nothing has worked. Why? I would love to know if you can offer me with any help. I mean I like your blog but I think I need more than just ideas, I need motivation. Thanks.

  4. Great articles and information. I wish to point out that well being and security comes first with any weight reduction plan,this comes from my very own expertise -i decided to take off a hundred pounds of 270 –and that i did, but in brief interval and with out correct guidance,you can only imagine what i used to be passing through, ravenous,continually working out,feeling stressed out…….the checklist was endless.Irrespective of how fat you may be, remember that healthy weight reduction isn’t going to happen by night and in case you do not change lifestyle you will struggle the fat your complete life.

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