You Know What I Really Like?

Remember…
  • your first taste of beer? You didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. But the grown-ups seem to like it, so I learned to like it. Now I really like water.
  • the first time you tasted pizza? The floury tomato mush? Now I really like celery.
  • the first time you tasted rum? The skunky mushrooms flavor? Now I really like water.
  • the first time you ate cheese puffs and your fingers turned orange? Now I really like regular fingertips.
  • the first time your dad passed gas in front of you and you thought it was gross? Now I really like the sound my stomach makes when I try to keep from passing gas.
  • the first time you realized your chest was never going to develop like you saw in magazines? Now I really like saggy hairy moobs.
  • the first time you drank bourbon? The woodsy burnt toast flavor? Now I really like water.
  • the first time you ate Death by Chocolate? The bitter aftertaste? Now I really like radishes.
  • the first time you ate chocolate-chip cookie dough? The coarse cold texture? Now I like one baked cookie.
  • brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast? Now I like a warm brain.
  • glazed donuts and getting sticky fingers that you couldn’t get unsticky because your tongue was sticky? Now I like lettuce.
  • struggling to rise from the recliner? Now I like swimming and water aerobics and going to the gym.

Yep. Lies. All Lies… I like:

  1. beer by Miller Chill
  2. pizza by the $4.99 large pepperoini
  3. rum in my  Coke
  4. cheese puffs by the Sam’s Club size
  5. passing gas loudly
  6. giant hairy belly
  7. bourbon with my cigar
  8. chocolate by the pound
  9. chocolate chip cookie dough
  10. multiple brain freezes
  11. one dozen
  12. watching the Winter Olympics without moving

Who am I kidding? It’s hopeless. I am doomed. I have no will-power. I am a schlub. Chub. Corpulent. Lardy. Obese. Porky. Tubby.

But stubborn.

You know the first time you hit 200 pounds (shut up if you didn’t) and thought what a (see above adjectives?) What I like is binging and purging.

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