Monthly Archive for April, 2010

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Demand Studios’ Editor for eHow.com is Just Full of Shit


I thought it would be fun to pick some quick bucks by writing a “how-to” piece for Demand Studios.

Demand Studios provides the content for eHow.com,

the leading online resource for “How to” instructions and project completion advice. People visit eHow to find help with how to do (just about) anything.

The title: How to barbecue great ribs easily

This is the deal (not how I wrote it.)
Dump some country style pork ribs in an aluminum pan, dump in a bottle of BBQ sauce, add a can of Coke, and cook for 3-4 hours over lowest heat on a gas grill.

This genius of an editor responded.

I wouldn’t approve this article just because this is not the best way to cook ribs. Most experts recommend indirect heat off the coals on the cooler side of the grill for most of the cooking before putting it directly over the coals, and most wait until later to apply BBQ sauce because it burns easily. Although it won’t poison them, your advice in not in the readers’ best interest.

Well no shit! I know how to cook ribs the hard way. This is the EASY way you loser. And I’ll tell you whut Bozo, these ribs are yummy.

This article is way too thin. You must provide greater detail or it won’t be worth the reader’s time–he’ll look for a more detailed article than yours and one that seems to be either written by an expert or based on credible research.

Thin? Hell yes it’s thin! It’s the EASY way to do ribs. I’ve done the hard way. I’ve cooked a whole damn hog! This is the EASY way to do great ribs you friggin’ editor.

Here’s the eHow.com description of how to boil an egg.

  • Place the raw egg in a saucepan.
  • Step 2 Run cold water into the saucepan until the water is 1 inch above the egg.
  • Step 3 Place the saucepan on a stove and cook over medium heat until the water begins to boil.
  • Step 4 Reduce the heat to low.
  • Step 5 Simmer for 2 to 3 minutes for soft-boiled eggs or 10 to 15 minutes for hard-boiled eggs.
  • Step 6 Remove the egg with a spoon or ladle and let it cool slowly, or run cold water over it to cool it more quickly.

I’m too good for Demand Studios.  Screw ‘em. Unless they accept my other submission:

How to grill kick-ass bratwurst the easy way.

But since that only takes the same number of steps as boiling an egg, I’m sure that will get kicked back also.

In case you want to write for Demand Studios, here is a sample of the scintillating topics and pay rates:

  • Who should inspect a new roof upon completion? $7.50
  • Are loading docks considered no exposure for storm water? $7.50
  • Is it practical to convert a gasoline engine to lp gas? $7.50
  • Can injected oxygen make a gas engine turn more rpms? $7.50
  • Can i use aol or d-link for a proxy server? $7.50
  • Are induction furnaces cheaper to operate than forced air? $7.50
  • What is the weight of an empty dump truck? $7.50
  • Which submersible pond pump is the best? $7.50
  • How do i check & change a pcv valve on a Volvo 850? $15.00
  • How do i install trunk pans in a nova? $15.00
  • How do i use an asus v66 cell phone as a modem? $15.00
  • How do i check & change a pcv valve on a Volvo 850? $15.00
  • How do i install trunk pans in a Nova? $15.00

Knock yourself out, but don’t exceed 500 words!

Is Calling Someone a ‘Cotton Picker’ Racist?

My brother used to call me a “cotton picker” all the while we were growing up together in the 50s. I figured there were a lot worse names to be called.

Since we lived in Michigan, it probably had a different connotation than if we were growing up in Kentucky. My parents weren’t racists so they wouldn’t have allowed it to continue – if they even gave it a thought.

This isn’t really important and I didn’t give it a thought until it seems that in the near future, I will actually BE a cotton picker.

Our Texas friends decided that we needed to get into the cotton business and sent Nancy the seeds. She has a great crop started. I will be tilling up  the back 40 (square inches) soon to transplant the cotton. The ground temperature isn’t quite warm enough yet.

This is one of those events in a geezer’s life that we get excited about.

Cotton growing.

Woooo hooooo.

Bird watching.

OMG can we handle the thrills?

It’s our start in agriculture that I foresee progressing this way:

  1. cotton
  2. tobacco
  3. pot

Chicki, Nancy’s golfin’ buddy, suggested that we just start with the pot. I told her that probably wouldn’t work because we would see the profits go up in smoke.

And I will be applying for a government grant (free money that falls from the sky like a giant fireball.)

Along the same lines is Judas Priest sacrilegious? I used this in place of Jesus Christ all through high school and college. The band Judas Preist didn’t come along until 1969.  So I sure don’t know where I picked up using it in the early 60s.

And why doesn’t Judas Priest have an apostrophe?

Guilty as Charged, But for You Writing Police That Still Are Loyal Readers…

Anonymum has these words of support:

Geeky Animated Gif Monday – To Gmail With Love

Hints That I Am Not Quite the Same As You

Sunday Stealing: The Me Me Meme
1. Never in my life have I been: A short left-handed female, so I married one.

2. The one person who can drive me nuts is: see above

3. High school was: the pits. 4 years of angst punctuated by bursts of mischievous misbehavior.

4. When I’m nervous I: pick my nose or rub my face or squirm in my seat.

5. The last song I listened to was: Scott Joplin’s Wall Street rag on Pandora.com, no wait, it was something from the Jersey Boys CD in Nancy’s car, which I got to drive because she was pukey in bed and I sneaked out.

6. If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: St. Todd DeCubbville

7. My hair is: buzzed gray but still growing about as well as ever on my head, better than ever in and on my nose and back.

8. When I was 5: I walked to school with the big kids.

9. Last Christmas: was vewy vewy quiet. Just the two of us which is becoming pretty normal.

10. I should be..: coughing up blood.

11. When I look down I see: Sofi lying beside me.

12. The happiest recent event was: I won a grand in a sweepstakes, which will be used to upgrade our vacation.

13. If I were a character on ‘Friend’ I would be: Ross

14. By this time next year: I will be famous.

15. My current gripe is: my Total Knee Replacement ta-da- dummmmmmmm wasn’t worth it. My knee is stiff and hurts worse than before.

16. I have a hard time understanding: How Mark Phelps keeps motivated when swimming laps. I guess that’s what coaches are for?

17. There’s this girl I know that: is such a Kentucky Redneck that everything that she says is a cliche.

18. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Nancy.

19. Take my advice: Don’t buy a wooden leg from ballerina.

20. The thing I want to buy: A left-handed forebesider with a built in Hemingway

21. If you visited the place I was born: (the town) you would be amazed at how tiny it is. (When I was growing up all those buildings to the left weren’t there – just a field)

22. I plan to visit: Beaufort, SC the week of May 7. If you break in, do lots and lots of damage so we can make a huge insurance claim. The diamonds and cash are under the bed in a safe in the floor. The pot is in the attic. The keys to the jet are hanging in the hangar on a hanger.

23. If you spent the night at my house: wipe and flush.

24. I’d stop my wedding if: N/A

25. The world could do without: Oprah and Choprah.

26. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: whoa, that’s pretty gross, nicely done. I can’t think of anything worse.

27. Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: I bot a bunch of vackay clothes today: shorts, bathing suit, two jackets, long warm up pants, strap for my glasses so I can white-water kayak and not risk losing them unless I smash my cranium against a giant boulder.

28. Most recent thing someone else bought me:

29. My favorite blonde is: Kelly Pickler

30. My favorite brunette is: Shania Twain

31. My favorite red head is: Rihanna

(The above are just random names that popped into my head.)

32. My middle name is: Lee

33. In the morning I: pee, shave (usually) get dressed by putting my pants on first and then a shirt which is backwards because my pants always fall down when I put my shirt on. I also put my socks on both feet and then put on my shoes,  walk Oliver, feed the pack, feed me and I am good to go. (Unless it’s Sunday and then everything changes.)

34. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: butterflies. Unless I’m supposed to offer a current non-flying animal, in that case I would go with a wildebeest – gawd they are so ugly.

35. Once, at a bar: (a hundred years ago) another couple and us ordered a lot of exotic drinks and got so snockered we flushed the bar tab and skeedaddled.

36. Last night I was: younger

37. There’s this guy I know who: wants to be married so bad and can’t find a girl who isn’t after his money.

38. If I was an animal I’d be: Aardvark

39. A better name for me would be: Slim

40. Tomorrow I am: screw around outside and then go to Opening Day at the ole ball park.

41. Tonight I am: yawning

42. My birthday is: November 24.