Monthly Archive for March, 2011

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I am The Stig

BBC Top Gear The Stig

St. Todd deCubbville got me this awesome sticker for the Dodge Magnum Hemi Wagon: I am  The Stig…

  • Some say his favorite childhood disease was the Gout and his left eye is actually a testicle.
  • Some say that his face appears on high-value stamps in Sweden and that he’s afraid of bells.
  • Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and all his legs are hydraulic
  • Some say his heart ticks like a watch, and he’s confused by stairs
  • Some say his voice can only be heard by cats, and he has two sets of knees
  • Some say that he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel for his moat… All we know is:

He’s called The Stig.

I am The Stig.

Absolutely the best show on teevee today comes from BBC America: Top Gear.  Top Gear is three british fanboys playing about in cars. St. Todd deCubbville got me hooked and now it is your turn.

And that is like saying there will be a wedding in London soon.

Top Gear is most very expensive cars from today and yesterday being abused for our amusement. Top Gear is three giggly men making bad puns and outrageously politically incorrect jokes about being gay. Top Gear is travelogue – an episode had the three men on “motorbikes” doing in 8 days what the Americans could not do in ten years: go from South Vietnam to North Vietnam.  They tried to retrace the route of the three wise men in hugely ostentatious cars. It is the best tee vee production, editing, and writing available to U.S. audiences.

But, most importantly, I am The Stig.

After one or more of the three blokes (it’s hard not to talk like them after a marathon session) has thoroughly blasted around their test track at an obscene pace in a car, they always end by finding out what the car’s true track ability is. For this, they call on a professional race car driver.

The Stig.

Bugatti Veyron Supercar

Yes, this is The Stig behind the world’s most expensive and fastest supercar, the Bugatti Veyron. It costs nearly $2 million dollars to buy and probably triple that to build. And The Stig threw it around the track like it was his daily driver.

I am The Stig.

From the wiki

The name Stig derives from Wilman and Clarkson’s time at the private Repton School, where new boys had always been called “Stig”. According to McCarthy, speaking in 2006, the producers had wanted the anonymous driver to be called ‘The Gimp’, referring to the use of gimp suits in BDSM sexual role-playing. After McCarthy objected, the name Stig was settled upon.McCarthy had said of the idea at the time that “I don’t want to be forever remembered as the Gimp”.

Many have claimed the title of The Stig.

But few have a decal on the back of their car to confirm their true identity.

I am The Stig.

Geeky Animated Gif Monday

Nancy’s Gonna Kill Me

Two reasons really.
First, she’s away, but we video chat or Skype a couple times a day. Her first question is invariably,

“Do I still have four dogs.”

Until today, I could answer “Yes.” Without equivocation.

Derby went missing. Derby is our street dog-rock star
Dog Grooming

He sneaks out of the fenced yard occasionally just to roam the neighborhood. As soon as he hears me call he is looking to hightail it back inside – taking the most direct line possible – which usually is through the hedge or his secret escape hatch.

Today was different.

It was time for me to pay attention to the dogs. I fussed over Sofi, ‘cuz she’s a girl and girls like being fussed over. I patted Oliver on the head because he is aloof and really doesn’t give a shit what I do or when I do it. Sedona is my pal and came over for her share of rubbin’.
Derby was… missing. Not on the back of the chair. Not in a sunbeam. Not in the backyard. Not shut up in the garage. Not roaming the neighborhood.
He was gone.
I wasn’t freaking because he likes me and I figured eventually he would show up.
On a whim, I asked Sedona,

“where’s Derby?”

Dog

Sedona and St. Todd

Oh she busted him good. Not a second’s hesitation, she took me from the kitchen through the living room, into the bedroom and into the closet.
Dog

Why? I have no clue.

I guess he misses Nanc’ and decided to hang in her closet.

Maybe the fact I found Derby will get me off the hook for the second reason she will kill me: posting this picture of her closet.

Bah, she’ll get over it.

Smallburg Declares Corvette-Free Zone

I live in the only town in the entire universe where Corvettes are assembled.

Smallburg has agreed that a Corvette-free zone shall be established in front of my house when I am mowing the yard.

Classic Corvette Convertible

So Mr. Geezer with your bald spot cruising down the street with your dome exposed, you are now in violation of the Smallburg Sixty Spring Sacrament #60.60(a1.69.)

You butt-hole. How dare you drive by enjoying the nice spring weather when:

  1. I am mowing the friggin’ grass.
  2. I don’t own a Corvette.

I hope your bald spot peels from the sun and you get a large basil celery “car”cinoma.

I am pleased pissed to announce that my lawn mower started on the first try. I had run it out of gas during the last mowing.  Therefore the gas did not turn to maple syrup. So I mowed the first mow of the season. Gaddamn. I hate mowing the grass/dead leaves/twigs.

Gaddamn. Nothing I hate worse than people out enjoying themselves while I am pacing mindlessly behind the lawnmower.

Therefore, I have expanded the aforementioned city ordinance. Also banned from my street when I am mowing the griggin’ frass:

  • Power walkers
  • Dog walkers
  • Bicyclists
  • Ice Cream wagons
  • Lawn mowing service trucks
  • Vehicles with kayaks
  • Families

The consequences are severe. I have dog turds. I will use them.

However, young women between the ages of 25-35 with appropriate BMI, jogging in  shorts and bra-tops  are always welcome, nay, encouraged.

Sound Like This At Your House Recently? The Costa Rica Orgasm Bird is Now My Favorite.


I’m imagining that the Orgasm Bird looks something like this… listen to the call of the Orgasm Bird aka Laughing Falcon from Costa Rica to see if you don’t conjure up some similar perverted image in your mind’s eye.

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