I knew it wouldn’t take long for Dou Lobbs to take after me, the old buzzard. To avoid further controversy about my birthplace, I am publishing – for the first time – my Kenyan birth certificate to keep the birthers at bay.

You will have to click to enlarge to read the faded document – after all Kenyan birther certificates aren’t printed on the best paper. The typewriter used to fill out by Kenyan birther document needed a new ribbon too.

Remember that? Changing typewriter ribbons? Before cartridges? Fingers would get all smudged with ink and you itch your face and walk around all day and nobody tells you “there is a black smudge on your face.” Or what that just me?

(clickify to explode)

Here are some other moments of “duh”:

• Forbes says Air Force Academy top school: Duh. Takes a congressional appointment, you can’t drink or do drugs, no long hair,guaranteed a job afterwards, and eventually you are a General.
• Brad Pitt says “No” to Angelina: Duh. He has the perfect reason. He tells Angie, if gays can’t marry, then I won’t marry you. It’s the activist/protest avoidance.
• Big party when Paula Abdul said she wasn’t returning: Duh. She’s a star. They aren’t. It’s just jealousy. Paula will be have regular weekly appearances on Dancing With The Stars, Survivor, The View, Jon & Kate + 9, and Sponge Bob.
• Lots o’ Rumors on Paula’s replacement: Duh. There is Kirstie Alley and moi at the top, then Diana Ross, Victoria Beckham, Natalie Cole, Allee Willis, Mrs. Butterworth and Rosanne auditioning in case Kirstie and I can’t make the deal.

60 Out

Hollie Steel was crushed by the pressure of Britain’s Got Talent and dissolved into tears and could not finish her performance.

Hollie Steel in the end was voted through by the judges over Welsh waiter Greg Pritchard.

Hollie was in the middle of her performance as nerves caused her voice to waver and eventually she broke into tears.

10 year old Hollie Steel ran from the stage to her mother’s arms who was waiting near the judges. She begged the judges to let her start again and when denied broke into sobs.

Hollie Steel was saved by steel-hearted Simon Cowell who vowed to let the child audition again.

‘I don’t care how we do it but we will find the time somewhere (on the show) to let you audition again.’

This is the first time Hollie Steel had performed without dancing, choosing to sing Edelweiss.

Who’s at fault for Hollie Steel’s on stage breakdown?

Betting odds for final (Ladbrokes):
Susan Boyle 5/6
Aidan Davis 7/2
Shaheen Jafargholi 9/1
Stavros Flatley 10/1
Julian Smith 14/1
Diversity 16/1
Hollie Steel 33/1

I have a long way to go before I can match 17 year old Julia Dales with her beatboxing unplugged.

If you have kids, you remember all the “sing along” noises they made in the backseat before iPods and everybody had to listen to the radio or CD player in the car?

Julia Dales is a throwback to those wonderful days of yesteryear.

I’m pretty good with making simultaneous noises from different orifices, but Julia Dales needs to be the World Beat Box Champion. Forever, retire the trophy.

This cute little girl is sitting in the backseat, probably in the school parking lot, and she just seems to riff this amazing beat box rhythm.

I want to be the 70 year old version of Julia Dales – at least when it comes to beatboxing. I’m starting practice this weekend.

Archie will finally choose between Betty, shown here in an updated drawing as a buxom ditzy blonde stripper, and Veronica, the raven haired buxom stripper. (Notice the difference?)

And what’s up with Archie’s look?

Archie will choose between Betty Cooper or Veronica Lodge in comic book #600.

More Realistic Archie, Betty, Veronica

Archie has been enjoying his threesome for sixty years. So will Archie really choose between Betty or Veronica?

Not so fast says Gillian Gelling.

For starters, this is a marketing ploy to get people (who are not me) to read Archie again. They tried this same tactic a few years ago with “The Love Showdown,” in which Betty and Veronica finally forced the ginger-haired one to choose between them both. And who did he go with? Cheryl Blossom, the snobby, redheaded Pembroke Academy transfer, thus bonding Betty and Veronica in their new quest to oust this conniving bitch and forget their squabbles over the checker-head for a while. We had to deal with Cheryl for about a year or two, but they eventually managed to squash her and free up their own little love triangle once more.

Conniving bitch indeed.

Archie will choose between Betty and Veronica?

Here’s the rundown according the Gillian

Betty:

She’s smart, sweet, perky, athletic, cute, can cook, and adores Archie with all her heart. She deserves it! She’s the best! But my guess is she’s becoming too smart for him these days. Five years from now, Betty will either be in politics, a famous journalist, or working with Doctors Without Borders delivering HIV medication to African refugees.

Veronica:

Ronnie, though beautiful and spoiled, does not lack for brains. She’s inherited her father’s knack for business and in five years will no doubt be on the board of Lodge Enterprises, amassing a fortune of her own.

Archie will choose between Betty and Veronica?

Archie will probably choose Reggie.

I’m not a single Mom, probably never will be, but Nancy has a friend that is and she has a young daughter. For the past few years, Nancy has called and made arrangements to pick up the daughter and take her Mother’s Day shopping.

Her mom knows about it, provides the money, etc. etc.

Nancy just totes her to the store, steers her away from the Hello Kitty stuff, gets it gift-wrapped, remembers the card and she makes a single mom’s Mother’s Day special for both.

I think Nancy likes it too.