Archive for the 'Ireland' Category

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Irish Death Ray Pointed at U.S.; Canucks Conspire; We Will All Die Soon. Part II

Published on March 12, 2008 in Holy Shit! Lookit This!, Ireland and kentucky. 6 Comments

More secretions from Republic of Ireland have come into my possession. While Grandad was supposedly attending a shindig in his honor, (aka WR 104) it appears that he was in fact devising a new plan along with the Embassy of Canuckastan to shoot a death ray at Kentucky.

Reports from the village near Grandad confirm winning this “major award” has gone to his head. Sightings of Grandad with sunglasses on top of his head indicate he feels star-like qualities. He was a co-winner with Grannymar, but her state remains relatively stable. However, she refers today to a recorded message, which may have unknown clues.

This is the secretion which was intercepted. (Substitute “Grandad” for Wolf-Rayet, a clever anagram for WTF a-hole!)

Both the massive stars in WR 104 will one day explode as supernovae. However, one of the pair is a highly unstable star known as a ~~Wolf-Rayet,~~ the last known stable phase in the life of these massive stars right before a supernova.

~~“Wolf-Rayet~~ are regarded … as ticking bombs,” Tuthill explained. The ‘fuse’ for this star “is now very short — to an astronomer — and it may explode any time …”

When the ~~Wolf-Rayet~~ goes supernova, “it could emit an intense beam of gamma rays coming our way,” Tuthill said. “If such a ‘gamma ray burst’ happens, we really do not want Earth to be in the way.”

Since the initial blast would travel at the speed of light, there would be no warning of its arrival.

It seems that Grandad could not be so bright, but better safe than sorry.

This targeting device (above) is currently being smuggled into Canada.

On my mark: duck assholes!

Retaliatory Strike Against Ireland Soon.

Published on February 20, 2008 in Blogging, Ireland and Technology. 7 Comments

In what foreign policy wonks are calling the most usual unproked attack on U.S. soil since Daniel O’Donnell, an ICBM struck Meigs Field airport earlier today.

The work has been claimed by Head Rambles:

So this is the address (Sixty Note: Meigs Fields) I have programmed into the ICBM [with 2 Megaton warhead, DVD rewriter, 180Gb HDD with Windows Vista] that I bought on eBay last week. I shall be launching it shortly.

I know the place well. I have crashed into it many times. I shall miss it, and I shall miss Meigs Field.

Fortunately Meigs Field was evacuated of all important life forms by Mayor Richard Daley in 1994 in anticipation of such an attack. Only spammers inhabit the area now. In ten thousand years, after the spammers have mutated into a more controllable and harmless life form, like the Snakehead, the area will be developed into a complex of luxury condos and liquor stores.

However, in order to maintain the correct world order, the National Uniform Tallywackers (NUTs) have launched a BHLB (Big Honkin’ Load of Bomb) to perform mulesing on Ireland.

The US Navy has warned planes and ships away from a large area of the Pacific ahead of an attempt to shoot down a rogue spy satellite carrying toxic fuel tonight, CNN reports. The space shuttle Atlantis is due back on Earth today and military officials are waiting for its safe return before trying to blast the malfunctioning spy satellite into harmless debris.

Atlantis has landed. Change Pacific to North Atlantic. Change spy satellite to 105 year old blogger. Don’t change toxic fuel, that’s still true.

5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1

Grandad Was Content to Smoke His Pipe for Tourists, Now He Just Wants to Smoke Tourists

Published on November 23, 2007 in Ireland. 0 Comments

I started blogging last March, somehow I stumbled across Grandad. Not literally of course because I was in “God Bless America” and he was in Ireland.

He seemed like a nice enough fellow. He was pleased when he smoked his pipe in the village and it brought back fine memories for some strangers. He even stopped listening when he realized is was none of his business.

Grandad was thought provoking. He had questions for God.

- How did you fit ALL the animals in an ark, and how did you stop them eating each other?
- Why don’t insurance companies sue you for “Acts of God”?
- If we are all descended from Adam and Eve and their children then we must all be the result of incest. Isn’t that bad?

He pondered with great interest the future of the internet, even going so far as to offer his help and suggestions.

Suppose I just download the Internet onto my laptop?

He outlined all the advantages of just such an ingenious plan.

I think this is about the time he began to turn. He felt that he had conquered the internet. He felt that he, not Bill Gates, was in control.

I cut myself off from the Interweb a few times, but it’s back now. And here is the strange thing – It’s going like the clappers!

I’m afraid he let it go to his head. He turned his energy from conquering the internet, to saving Ireland from the tourists.

What was worse – some of the visitors decided that Ireland was such a beautiful place that they decided to settle here. This pushed land prices up to an extent that local residents were unable to live there any more.

The solution arrived at was to cull the tourists. Seal culling had led to a lot of adverse publicity for Canada, and it was therefore decided that tourist culling should be kept as quiet as possible.

…Since then, tourist culling has become a popular sport. It is carried out in most parts of Ireland, though incidents are rare in the major cities, because of the danger to locals.

It is run on a points system, with maximum points going to a cull of tourists who are obviously contemplating buying land. It is a complex system of scoring, which I won’t go into now.

He continues his dedicated quest for world domination and recently has been endorsed by a powerful Irish organization.

When they called out Head Rambles for best blog, I must admit I was very surprised, but delighted because I fancied a chance to grope Glenda Gilsen.

So I hopped up on the stage, made an improper suggestion to Glenda and got her phone number. That’s why she is looking so pleased.

In the same post, he announced that his pithy words will be printed on real paper using real ink so they will remain available and not disappear into cyberspace.

I told them I knew nothing about writing books. They said that it was easy, and that they had read Head Rambles and I could do it. So I told them that that was like saying that I could climb Killiney Hill, therefore I could climb Everest. They told me not to be daft. I threw a hissy fit because everyone one knows that authors are allowed to be temperamental.

Grandad?

BFD, I coulda done that, but I didn’t sell out to the man.

Congratulations you bolloxed up old wanker.

Holy Shit! Look it This! Meme

Published on November 11, 2007 in Advertising, Baby Boomer, Birthdays, Blogging, Cars, Childhood, Dogs, Education, Empty Nesters, Entertainment, Family, Food, Friday Five, Holy Shit! Lookit This!, Ireland, kentucky, M & Ms, Money, Random, Research, Shopping, Technology and Writing. 6 Comments

Thanks Grandad for this meme: use every tag in a post.

Lucky for me, my categories/tags are very general and included “writing.”

Here goes:

Baby Boomer education in Ireland and Kentucky can be real entertainment for the whole family. The Friday Five, who are blogging and sometimes do real writing about travel, technology, shopping, research, advertising, childhood, and cars grabbed our M & M’s and money to buy more food and headed to the birthdays we saw advertising for. Our health is pretty random, so cross your fingers.

I’m finding it harder and harder to get participation to memes. For this one my choice was limited because a lot of the bloggers in my blogroll don’t use tags/categories! (I’m assuming they are the same!)

Let’s try, Kay Janna Laurie.

Rhea, I almost tagged ya, but didn’t have the heart. Want to give it a go?

One of My Favorite Bloggers Says Good-bye

Published on October 22, 2007 in Blogging and Ireland. 8 Comments

Grandad says goodbye.

His farewell post was written just a few hours ago, or yesterday, I never know because I’m not really sure where Ireland is.

It was done as a joke. It was also done as an experiment, because I knew nothing about blogging.

If I had read other blogs before starting this, I might have adopted a completely different style. But I knew nothing, so just wrote whatever came into my head.

It has been a bit of a roller coaster of a ride. It has made me many friends; some real, some virtual. I have been introduced to the world of podcasting. I have been asked to write for the Irish Times. I have appeared on television. All because of the blog.

I started blogging last March with the same attitude and for the same reasons. I also would have come at this with a different style. I would have taken Grandad’s style which is snipppets from real life: hitting turds at his neighbor’s house, shooting tourists, sending tourists to the bog when they asked directions, etc.

Its easy to write a blog like his. Writing a blog like mine is much harder.

It hasn’t been hard work, because I enjoyed it.

I base many of my observations on pure fiction. Most of my posts are pure fiction. It is much harder to mislead readers. Plus, I really hate blogging. I only do it because my Best Half said I needed a hobby. She didn’t consider looking at porn suitable. Yelling at the TV, while enjoyable, even gets a little aggravating to her.

So even though Grandad has bid us farewell after reaching 17,000 visitors last week, he won’t be missed. Curmudgeons are a dime a dozen. Besides, there is always K8 the Gr8, who is taller and prettier than Grandad (when she shaves.)

Farewell Grandad. Air In Your Bra.

God Bless America!

PS:

May I have your inventory of pixels? I am going to continue until one year or I reach 17,000 visitors total.