Sunday Stealing: The Imaginary Meme, Part One

Since I left Kentucky on July 1, 2011, I wasn’t sure if I was a full year or part year resident. So I sent an email to the Kentucky Department of Revenuers.

Teresa send me a reply saying that I would be considered a part year resident and they want taxes on money I earned…

while you was a KY resident.

Some of that money needs to go toward edjamacation for them there Kentucky chilren.

I just ran a speed test on how well I am connected to the internet.

Better than my cousin-sister in Hazard, KY, and better than my daddy-uncle in Pikeville, KY, but 1/2 the speed of my friend Elin Woods, in Sweden, and 1/12 the speed of my long-lost friend Danny Choo in Japan.

Right now the government is deciding the future of the Internet in the United States.

The Federal Communications Commission is crafting our national high speed internet strategy, which will determine how fast the Internet is and who has access to high speed connections.

Help shape this policy in just two minutes.

Take this Speed Test, and help  update data and help make universal broadband a reality.

Take the Speed Test now:

http://www.speedmatters.org/speedtest2009

Then fill in the form to send a letter to your feral (no typo – little or no contact with real people) representatives. I personalized my letter because Speedmatters.org was just too nice in their letter.

The United States ranks just 15th among industrialized nations in broadband access — and this is costing our economy billions of dollars every year.

Every day, American businesses are missing out on opportunities to sell their goods and services in the global marketplace. Every day, the American people are missing out on important health and educational benefits. And every day, the American economy is missing out on good jobs created by high speed internet access.

That’s because the U.S. has historically invested relatively less on telecommunications than most other major countries. Consumers are charged more for slower speeds, and our current high-speed networks don’t even reach millions of American households.

Like Bubba-Louise, my cousin-sister in Hazard can’t even watch Keyboard Cat, because it won’t download.
H/she needs to see this stuff:

The Junk Drawer Blog is goofing off somewhere this week, but she left an assignment for her commenters. She stole a comment game from Comedy Plus.

The Junk Drawer Blog is fun, but whoooo boy, her commenters are just so vanilla, so white bread, so unimaginative.

Here’s how SHE explained the Comment Game.

It’s very simple. I start the game off by listing two words or phrases, like waffles or pancakes, and you pick the one you like better. You can explain why if you like.

She started with Twitter or Facebook. Nice start, but OMG, her commenters responded with choices like:

• Mac or PC
• Coffee or Tea
• Boxers or Briefs
• Peanut Butter or Jelly

I. am. NOT. kidding. And it goes on for over 100 comments.

I played too, here were my choice:

• Po or Laa Laa – which the next person said they didn’t have a clue about. Dur, Hello Google? So I came back with…
• Clarabelle or Crusty – which the next poster didn’t know, but chose Clarabelle because it was a nice name! OMG, puh-leeze! My final entry, before I decided to hijack this idea was…
• Simon Cowell or Simon & Shuster. The next commenter chose Simon Cowell because she hadn’t heard of “the other one.”

LISTEN UP. Here’s the deal. I am taking over this idea.

There is a big prize involved.

A wonderful Marilyn Monroe shirt from the wonderful people at TeesForAll.com. I wanted a gift certificate from TeaseForMe.com, but haven’t heard back. TeesforAll.com is not doing this because they like me, they want to sell you some Tee shirts. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. They have a really cool Stones shirt, and some other Boomer targeted stuff.

WIN THIS SHIRT

No, it doesn’t have to be the Marilyn Monroe baby-doll with pink stripes, unless you want it. And then I want a picture of you in it.

HERE’S HOW WE’RE GONNA PLAY:

It’s kind of like the The Junk Drawer Blog contest, BUT, the combinations need to be weird, arcane, tricky, smart, obscure, clever, whatever. (Like my examples! )

AND: you must explain why you chose the word you did, to avoid miscellaneous fakery.

After a while, I’ll close the comments and then we will vote on the best combination.  Finalists may be contacted to provide a full and complete explanation of their word combinations so you can’t fake it easily.

Got it? Good.

Here is my combination, you take it from here:

Sky King or Enola Gay?

Just shoot me. Just shoot anybody that lives in Kentucky. Shoot people that were born in Kentucky twice. Shoot horse owners who have had a horse race at Churchill Downs with a bazooka. Shoot horse race lovers everywhere. Just shoot.

It’s over.

The Limeys have won after all.

The Kentucky Derby and all races at Churchill Downs will be called by… choke… an Englishman. Mark  Johnson is his name.

Mark Johnson has been a fixture at British tracks for years, calling some of the country’s highest profile races like the Epsom Derby and St. Leger Stakes. Johnson called one week of races during the 2008 fall meet at Churchill Downs before getting the nod over four other finalists.

I’ll leave the stupidity of hiring an Englishman to call horse races in Kentucky to others more qualified. Let me try to give you a clue what they future of Churchill Downs might hold with Mark  Johnson as the official track announcer.

The English lads are fond of rhyming when they chatter.  The more excited they get, the more they fill the air with rhymes.

It won’t be long before the fragrant air hanging over Churchill Downs will be echoing with such phrases as…

(I’ll let you fill in the blanks.)

• Sir Anthony Blunt, didn’t ride a gelding on the track, he rode a horse with a …

• Dear Princess Regina rode sidesaddle on a spotted mare and wore a spot on her …

• Stallions next to the starting block, blimey, me mate, brass ones ‘es got next to his giant …

• Guv’nor, the Gary Glitter ‘as gone round the bend to take his jap’s eye into Blue Moon …

• Lord Lionel’s trotter is right away bollox ‘eard his Missus was swallowing local lads…

• I say Commodore Hank, your studs a little bit short, can you reach down and pull out his …

I have the good fortune of knowing a thoroughbred owner. Born and raised within sight of Churchill Downs. We live within a few miles of a horse track. Mahogie is not happy. Not happy at all.  Here’s what Mahogie wrote about this sad, sad day.

Mahogie won’t stand for this of course!  Here’s top ten effects of Hiring this Dumb Arse from across the pond.

10. Austin Powers theme replaces “My Old Kentucky Home”

9. Poofter Jockeys allowed to wear knickers instead of silks.

8. First race call:  ”There Off!  Why are you chaps running the wrong way?”

7.  Safest bet : those queer judges on Dancing with the Stars had something to do with this.

6.  Is this our punishment for giving you Madonna?

5.  ”Hey Fella, we don’t accept no freakin’ Six Pence at this betting window!

4.  Announcer left for dead in infield after stating “That’s the tastiest fag I ever smoked!”

3.  95% of thoroughbreds have prettier smile than new guy in the booth.

2.  Business at bangers and mash / spotted dick kiosks always pick up after Happy Hour.

1.  New term for Breeding shed?  The Bugger Barn