I just ran a speed test on how well I am connected to the internet.

Better than my cousin-sister in Hazard, KY, and better than my daddy-uncle in Pikeville, KY, but 1/2 the speed of my friend Elin Woods, in Sweden, and 1/12 the speed of my long-lost friend Danny Choo in Japan.

Right now the government is deciding the future of the Internet in the United States.

The Federal Communications Commission is crafting our national high speed internet strategy, which will determine how fast the Internet is and who has access to high speed connections.

Help shape this policy in just two minutes.

Take this Speed Test, and help  update data and help make universal broadband a reality.

Take the Speed Test now:

http://www.speedmatters.org/speedtest2009

Then fill in the form to send a letter to your feral (no typo – little or no contact with real people) representatives. I personalized my letter because Speedmatters.org was just too nice in their letter.

The United States ranks just 15th among industrialized nations in broadband access — and this is costing our economy billions of dollars every year.

Every day, American businesses are missing out on opportunities to sell their goods and services in the global marketplace. Every day, the American people are missing out on important health and educational benefits. And every day, the American economy is missing out on good jobs created by high speed internet access.

That’s because the U.S. has historically invested relatively less on telecommunications than most other major countries. Consumers are charged more for slower speeds, and our current high-speed networks don’t even reach millions of American households.

Like Bubba-Louise, my cousin-sister in Hazard can’t even watch Keyboard Cat, because it won’t download.
H/she needs to see this stuff:

The Junk Drawer Blog is goofing off somewhere this week, but she left an assignment for her commenters. She stole a comment game from Comedy Plus.

The Junk Drawer Blog is fun, but whoooo boy, her commenters are just so vanilla, so white bread, so unimaginative.

Here’s how SHE explained the Comment Game.

It’s very simple. I start the game off by listing two words or phrases, like waffles or pancakes, and you pick the one you like better. You can explain why if you like.

She started with Twitter or Facebook. Nice start, but OMG, her commenters responded with choices like:

• Mac or PC
• Coffee or Tea
• Boxers or Briefs
• Peanut Butter or Jelly

I. am. NOT. kidding. And it goes on for over 100 comments.

I played too, here were my choice:

• Po or Laa Laa – which the next person said they didn’t have a clue about. Dur, Hello Google? So I came back with…
• Clarabelle or Crusty – which the next poster didn’t know, but chose Clarabelle because it was a nice name! OMG, puh-leeze! My final entry, before I decided to hijack this idea was…
• Simon Cowell or Simon & Shuster. The next commenter chose Simon Cowell because she hadn’t heard of “the other one.”

LISTEN UP. Here’s the deal. I am taking over this idea.

There is a big prize involved.

A wonderful Marilyn Monroe shirt from the wonderful people at TeesForAll.com. I wanted a gift certificate from TeaseForMe.com, but haven’t heard back. TeesforAll.com is not doing this because they like me, they want to sell you some Tee shirts. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. They have a really cool Stones shirt, and some other Boomer targeted stuff.

WIN THIS SHIRT

No, it doesn’t have to be the Marilyn Monroe baby-doll with pink stripes, unless you want it. And then I want a picture of you in it.

HERE’S HOW WE’RE GONNA PLAY:

It’s kind of like the The Junk Drawer Blog contest, BUT, the combinations need to be weird, arcane, tricky, smart, obscure, clever, whatever. (Like my examples! )

AND: you must explain why you chose the word you did, to avoid miscellaneous fakery.

After a while, I’ll close the comments and then we will vote on the best combination.  Finalists may be contacted to provide a full and complete explanation of their word combinations so you can’t fake it easily.

Got it? Good.

Here is my combination, you take it from here:

Sky King or Enola Gay?

Just shoot me. Just shoot anybody that lives in Kentucky. Shoot people that were born in Kentucky twice. Shoot horse owners who have had a horse race at Churchill Downs with a bazooka. Shoot horse race lovers everywhere. Just shoot.

It’s over.

The Limeys have won after all.

The Kentucky Derby and all races at Churchill Downs will be called by… choke… an Englishman. Mark  Johnson is his name.

Mark Johnson has been a fixture at British tracks for years, calling some of the country’s highest profile races like the Epsom Derby and St. Leger Stakes. Johnson called one week of races during the 2008 fall meet at Churchill Downs before getting the nod over four other finalists.

I’ll leave the stupidity of hiring an Englishman to call horse races in Kentucky to others more qualified. Let me try to give you a clue what they future of Churchill Downs might hold with Mark  Johnson as the official track announcer.

The English lads are fond of rhyming when they chatter.  The more excited they get, the more they fill the air with rhymes.

It won’t be long before the fragrant air hanging over Churchill Downs will be echoing with such phrases as…

(I’ll let you fill in the blanks.)

• Sir Anthony Blunt, didn’t ride a gelding on the track, he rode a horse with a …

• Dear Princess Regina rode sidesaddle on a spotted mare and wore a spot on her …

• Stallions next to the starting block, blimey, me mate, brass ones ‘es got next to his giant …

• Guv’nor, the Gary Glitter ‘as gone round the bend to take his jap’s eye into Blue Moon …

• Lord Lionel’s trotter is right away bollox ‘eard his Missus was swallowing local lads…

• I say Commodore Hank, your studs a little bit short, can you reach down and pull out his …

I have the good fortune of knowing a thoroughbred owner. Born and raised within sight of Churchill Downs. We live within a few miles of a horse track. Mahogie is not happy. Not happy at all.  Here’s what Mahogie wrote about this sad, sad day.

Mahogie won’t stand for this of course!  Here’s top ten effects of Hiring this Dumb Arse from across the pond.

10. Austin Powers theme replaces “My Old Kentucky Home”

9. Poofter Jockeys allowed to wear knickers instead of silks.

8. First race call:  ”There Off!  Why are you chaps running the wrong way?”

7.  Safest bet : those queer judges on Dancing with the Stars had something to do with this.

6.  Is this our punishment for giving you Madonna?

5.  ”Hey Fella, we don’t accept no freakin’ Six Pence at this betting window!

4.  Announcer left for dead in infield after stating “That’s the tastiest fag I ever smoked!”

3.  95% of thoroughbreds have prettier smile than new guy in the booth.

2.  Business at bangers and mash / spotted dick kiosks always pick up after Happy Hour.

1.  New term for Breeding shed?  The Bugger Barn

This looked like a fun meme I found while reading Blog 365. Annie wrote hers and I found it interesting. It seems like it requires SOME thought, but not the deep soul-searching on which many memes focus. It’s a gloomy, chilly fall day, and NASCAR doesn’t start for a few hours. I’ve added some qualifiers in parentheses for some of the questions. Here goes:

Four places that I go to over and over:
Bed, Target, Kroger, Bathroom

Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
Nancy, Amy, Going Like Sixty Comments, Google Alerts

Four of my favorite places to eat:
Rudy’s Worst Barbeque in Texas; (I surprised myself in choosing a chain BBQ, but they are big enough to keep good workers, be open longer than family owned places, yet small enough to keep their quality high.) Maruba Spa and Resort; (and no, it’s not just because it’s in Belize. It was the most consistently high quality food and presentation I have ever experienced – breakfast, lunch and dinner.) El Mazatlan, fast, friendly, frugal; Dairy Queen; chocolate milk shake. Except our local DQ has gone to really, really flimsy straws that collapse! Freaks. I’ve complained but they don’t care. I still return. DQ is owned by Warren Buffet, so I may just drop him a note.

Four places I would rather be right now:
Negril, Belize, Ft. Myers, Paris

Four TV shows I watch over and over:
Andy of Mayberry, Dick Van Dyke, M*A*S*H, Morning Express with Robin Meade.

Four (unusual) things in the room I’m in:
Spinning wheel, dog crate, 8 boxes of Kleenex, fireplace screen (we don’t have a fireplace.)

Four concerts (as opposed to stage peformances) I’ve been to:
Beach Boys, Dionne Warrick, The Carpenters (yes, only three in sixty years!)

Four things on my calendar:
I don’t use a calendar, I have a wife. (O-boy, that will get me in trouble.)

Four fears:
Tower of Terror, Roller Coasters, gross anatomy stuff, (like Nancy was watching some emergency room reality show and a person came in with worms growing in her head. I don’t want worms growing in my head. I guess that would be cranialwormophobia), airplane turbulence.

Four (unusual) things in your purse or wallet:
Blog cards, security codes (for realz), that’s it, other is usual junk.

Four chores you hate doing:
Trash, mowing, repairs, updating Windows.

Four favorite animals:
dogs, giraffes, horses, Hannibal Lector.

Four speed dials on your cell phone:
Don’t own a cell phone.

Four places you have called home:
In order: Michigan, Missouri, Indiana (twice) and Kentucky.

Four websites (not blogs) you visit:
Pandora, TrendHunter, eBay. (If it’s not in RSS, I can’t be bothered.)

Four people who have been in your car:
Nancy, Cat, Taylor, fixer-dude.

Four things you are wearing:
Fleece, underwear, khaki pants, wedding ring.

Four things you are looking forward to:
Next weekend, time off for good behavior, probation, vacation.

Four favorite types of candy:
M&M’s plain regular size, Snickers, Hershey Bars, Hershey Kisses.

Four sports teams you like:
meh. don’t care.

Four things found in your fridge:
Various cheeses, Miller Chill, Oliver Wine, Pepsi

Four rituals (not just a task) you do (every) day:
Groom myself (tongue optional), play with dogs, (tongue optional), read RSS, pick my nose.

Four things currently within reach:
Tivo remote, TV remote, knitting paraphenalia (not mine), new Visa cards.

Four things you know how to cook (not bake or grill):
Toasted cheese and baloney sammich, drippy eggs, french toast, hmmmm.

And my addition… four ways I know how to say four:
quatre, cuatro, vier, five minus one.

Life isn’t fair. I can accept that under most circumstances. I have a choice on where I live. But Election Day isn’t one of those times when I should get penalized for choosing to live in Smallburg, KY.

If you show up with your “I Voted!” sticker at any participating Krispy Kreme, they’ll give you a free red, white, and blue donut. Take the same sticker to any Ben & Jerry’s between 5-8pm and you’ll get a free scoop of ice cream. Then if you’re still not satisfied, head on over to Shane’s Rib Shack…

I can’t get these freebies!
Why can’t I get free stuff for voting? Isn’t this anti-American? Depending on where you live you get free stuff because you voted? WTF? Didn’t the Voting Rights Act of 1963 negate this kind of discrimination?

I can’t get free stuff because we don’t have Krispy Kreme, Ben & Jerry’s or Shane’s. Discrimination I say. Unfair. Anti-Smallburg in many states, not just Kentucky. I should be able to vote in a precinct that would allow me to enjoy my freedom to get freebies. I may petition for a change of venue.

The elections supervisor in Pascoe County, Fla., says a request for a naked polling place at a local nudist colony is probably a publicity stunt.

Hell’s Bells. If I lived in Harris County, Texas, I could get a free toilet plunger.

Harris County Commissioner Steve Radack announced today he has purchased over 1,000 plungers for use at polling places on Tuesday. He is encouraging people across the nation to take a plunger with them Tuesday in support of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher.

Aside to Commissioner Radack: Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher isn’t on the ballot.

Vote Tuesday? What’s in it for me?

Ah ha! This just in: Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks are on the free food bandwagon. Free chicken sandwich and free tall cuppa.

That’s OK, but this is better:

• Donut (Krispy Kreme)
• Chicken tenders (Shanes)
• Fries (Shanes)
• Small Coke (Shanes)
• Ice Cream (Ben & Jerry’s)

AND

• Chicken sandwich (Chick-Fil-A)
• Tall Coffee (Starbucks)

I hope you can reap the benefits of this great republic and cash in with ALL the freebies on Election Day. Just remember the sacrifices some of us have to make. Somebody has to live in Smallburg!

Enjoy your freedoms!

UPDATE: Free Sex Toys at Babeland. Free Beer in Baltimore.

UPDATE 2: Free Coffee at Books a Million; California Tortilla, free taco; Daily Grill, free appetizer; tatoo removal, New Look.

*Ahem*  none of which have a location IN MY BURG.

UPDATE 3: Haiku

Everybody
gets free shit for casting vote.
Except in my town.

Yes, there are five syllables in Eh-ve-re-bod-dee! neener.

UPDATE 4: Starbucks found out that giving away stuff just to voters is illegal. Now anybody that lives in GA can have a free cuppa.