Archive for the 'kentucky' Category

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Gloomy Sunday Foreplay

This looked like a fun meme I found while reading Blog 365. Annie wrote hers and I found it interesting. It seems like it requires SOME thought, but not the deep soul-searching on which many memes focus. It’s a gloomy, chilly fall day, and NASCAR doesn’t start for a few hours. I’ve added some qualifiers in parentheses for some of the questions. Here goes:

Four places that I go to over and over:
Bed, Target, Kroger, Bathroom

Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
Nancy, Amy, Going Like Sixty Comments, Google Alerts

Four of my favorite places to eat:
Rudy’s Worst Barbeque in Texas; (I surprised myself in choosing a chain BBQ, but they are big enough to keep good workers, be open longer than family owned places, yet small enough to keep their quality high.) Maruba Spa and Resort; (and no, it’s not just because it’s in Belize. It was the most consistently high quality food and presentation I have ever experienced – breakfast, lunch and dinner.) El Mazatlan, fast, friendly, frugal; Dairy Queen; chocolate milk shake. Except our local DQ has gone to really, really flimsy straws that collapse! Freaks. I’ve complained but they don’t care. I still return. DQ is owned by Warren Buffet, so I may just drop him a note.

Four places I would rather be right now:
Negril, Belize, Ft. Myers, Paris

Four TV shows I watch over and over:
Andy of Mayberry, Dick Van Dyke, M*A*S*H, Morning Express with Robin Meade.

Four (unusual) things in the room I’m in:
Spinning wheel, dog crate, 8 boxes of Kleenex, fireplace screen (we don’t have a fireplace.)

Four concerts (as opposed to stage peformances) I’ve been to:
Beach Boys, Dionne Warrick, The Carpenters (yes, only three in sixty years!)

Four things on my calendar:
I don’t use a calendar, I have a wife. (O-boy, that will get me in trouble.)

Four fears:
Tower of Terror, Roller Coasters, gross anatomy stuff, (like Nancy was watching some emergency room reality show and a person came in with worms growing in her head. I don’t want worms growing in my head. I guess that would be cranialwormophobia), airplane turbulence.

Four (unusual) things in your purse or wallet:
Blog cards, security codes (for realz), that’s it, other is usual junk.

Four chores you hate doing:
Trash, mowing, repairs, updating Windows.

Four favorite animals:
dogs, giraffes, horses, Hannibal Lector.

Four speed dials on your cell phone:
Don’t own a cell phone.

Four places you have called home:
In order: Michigan, Missouri, Indiana (twice) and Kentucky.

Four websites (not blogs) you visit:
Pandora, TrendHunter, eBay. (If it’s not in RSS, I can’t be bothered.)

Four people who have been in your car:
Nancy, Cat, Taylor, fixer-dude.

Four things you are wearing:
Fleece, underwear, khaki pants, wedding ring.

Four things you are looking forward to:
Next weekend, time off for good behavior, probation, vacation.

Four favorite types of candy:
M&M’s plain regular size, Snickers, Hershey Bars, Hershey Kisses.

Four sports teams you like:
meh. don’t care.

Four things found in your fridge:
Various cheeses, Miller Chill, Oliver Wine, Pepsi

Four rituals (not just a task) you do (every) day:
Groom myself (tongue optional), play with dogs, (tongue optional), read RSS, pick my nose.

Four things currently within reach:
Tivo remote, TV remote, knitting paraphenalia (not mine), new Visa cards.

Four things you know how to cook (not bake or grill):
Toasted cheese and baloney sammich, drippy eggs, french toast, hmmmm.

And my addition… four ways I know how to say four:
quatre, cuatro, vier, five minus one.

What’s With the Smallburg Election Day Penalty? Basic Freedom To Get Freebies Infringed.

Life isn’t fair. I can accept that under most circumstances. I have a choice on where I live. But Election Day isn’t one of those times when I should get penalized for choosing to live in Smallburg, KY.

If you show up with your “I Voted!” sticker at any participating Krispy Kreme, they’ll give you a free red, white, and blue donut. Take the same sticker to any Ben & Jerry’s between 5-8pm and you’ll get a free scoop of ice cream. Then if you’re still not satisfied, head on over to Shane’s Rib Shack

I can’t get these freebies!
Why can’t I get free stuff for voting? Isn’t this anti-American? Depending on where you live you get free stuff because you voted? WTF? Didn’t the Voting Rights Act of 1963 negate this kind of discrimination?

I can’t get free stuff because we don’t have Krispy Kreme, Ben & Jerry’s or Shane’s. Discrimination I say. Unfair. Anti-Smallburg in many states, not just Kentucky. I should be able to vote in a precinct that would allow me to enjoy my freedom to get freebies. I may petition for a change of venue.

The elections supervisor in Pascoe County, Fla., says a request for a naked polling place at a local nudist colony is probably a publicity stunt.

Hell’s Bells. If I lived in Harris County, Texas, I could get a free toilet plunger.

Harris County Commissioner Steve Radack announced today he has purchased over 1,000 plungers for use at polling places on Tuesday. He is encouraging people across the nation to take a plunger with them Tuesday in support of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher.

Aside to Commissioner Radack: Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher isn’t on the ballot.

Vote Tuesday? What’s in it for me?

Ah ha! This just in: Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks are on the free food bandwagon. Free chicken sandwich and free tall cuppa.

That’s OK, but this is better:

  • Donut (Krispy Kreme)
  • Chicken tenders (Shanes)
  • Fries (Shanes)
  • Small Coke (Shanes)
  • Ice Cream (Ben & Jerry’s)

AND

  • Chicken sandwich (Chick-Fil-A)
  • Tall Coffee (Starbucks)

I hope you can reap the benefits of this great republic and cash in with ALL the freebies on Election Day. Just remember the sacrifices some of us have to make. Somebody has to live in Smallburg!

Enjoy your freedoms!

UPDATE: Free Sex Toys at Babeland. Free Beer in Baltimore.

UPDATE 2: Free Coffee at Books a Million; California Tortilla, free taco; Daily Grill, free appetizer; tatoo removal, New Look.

*Ahem*  none of which have a location IN MY BURG.

UPDATE 3: Haiku

Everybody
gets free shit for casting vote.
Except in my town.

Yes, there are five syllables in Eh-ve-re-bod-dee! neener.

UPDATE 4: Starbucks found out that giving away stuff just to voters is illegal. Now anybody that lives in GA can have a free cuppa.

My First Bill Engvall Moment

I hitched up the bib overalls, put on my steel toed boots, protective eyewear, protective gloves and was going to do some serious tree removal on the back forty.
Except I needed a new chain for the chainsaw.
I headed for local Big Blue Bigbox, found the chain and took it out of the box to make sure it fit the blade.
It did.
In the checkout lane, Jennifer took a look at the empty box and said, “You already took out the chain?”

Nope, just wanted to pay $16.95 for an empty plastic box… here’s your sign.”

SCROTUM Says Kill ‘em Like Kentucky

The Supreme Court Rendering Opinions That Undo Manners (SCROTUM) says Kentucky knows how to kill people, and that every state should emulate the success Kentuckians have enjoyed.
One of the justices of the peace said the anti-death anti-execution people didn’t prove there was a better way to kill people and ensure they felt no pain.
Well crap. What the JOP meant to say, there is no better way to kill people without maiming the shit out of their bodies.
Ask anybody in – DEE troit if you live south of Mason-Dixon line, deh-twa, for you French-Canadians, Da-troyt for people like me – how to kill people. They do it more often in Detroit than any other place in the world.
Blow their f*ckin’ heads off with a shotgun.
Guaranteed effective and no pain, and that’s what the SCROTUM wants.

Time to Gamble the Bourbon on March Madness


As the kids used to say, “Shut up.”

The Mayor of Louisville is sending bourbon to the mayors of Chapel Hill and Knoxville. They are supposed to get schnockered when their teams lose to the University of Louisville.

“Bourbon is our secret full-court press,” Abramson said in a news release.

Since KY, NC and TN all make cigarettes which would kill them a whole bunch faster than sipping bourbon, WTF, Mayor? You want to win or what? Send them unfiltered fags.
We supply cancer sticks to the rest of the world, but to NC and TN we send bourbon?

Since the Mayor doesn’t have a liquor license it’s against UPS TOS to ship el Bourbono. Bah, I guess he wasn’t going to run down to the local liquor to pick up a half pint. (236.588237 milliliters)

Roy Williams needs it worse than the mayor, because his team is tanking because some chick got shot. Like that doesn’t happen often in the U.S. Oh, forgot, she was a popular white chick, so that makes it all different than the crack ho that got shot downtown.
Back to gambling. Won’t be long and the mayors of the Final Two ™ will be rolling out their press releases with their bets.

This threatened to dampen the widely popular practice of college students, office workers, and just about anyone who have traditionally participated in NCAA college basketball tournament betting pools.”

In fact, CBSSports.com developed an application to make it easier for Facebook users to use betting pools, says the story.

The NCAA should be so proud of their exclusive TV partner.
I have my money on Memphis Western Kentucky University.