Archive for the 'kentucky' Category

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My First Bill Engvall Moment

Published on May 17, 2008 in Entertainment and kentucky. 2 Comments Tags: , .

I hitched up the bib overalls, put on my steel toed boots, protective eyewear, protective gloves and was going to do some serious tree removal on the back forty.
Except I needed a new chain for the chainsaw.
I headed for local Big Blue Bigbox, found the chain and took it out of the box to make sure it fit the blade.
It did.
In the checkout lane, Jennifer took a look at the empty box and said, “You already took out the chain?”

Nope, just wanted to pay $16.95 for an empty plastic box… here’s your sign.”

SCROTUM Says Kill ‘em Like Kentucky

Published on April 17, 2008 in kentucky. 0 Comments

The Supreme Court Rendering Opinions That Undo Manners (SCROTUM) says Kentucky knows how to kill people, and that every state should emulate the success Kentuckians have enjoyed.
One of the justices of the peace said the anti-death anti-execution people didn’t prove there was a better way to kill people and ensure they felt no pain.
Well crap. What the JOP meant to say, there is no better way to kill people without maiming the shit out of their bodies.
Ask anybody in – DEE troit if you live south of Mason-Dixon line, deh-twa, for you French-Canadians, Da-troyt for people like me – how to kill people. They do it more often in Detroit than any other place in the world.
Blow their f*ckin’ heads off with a shotgun.
Guaranteed effective and no pain, and that’s what the SCROTUM wants.

Time to Gamble the Bourbon on March Madness

Published on March 27, 2008 in Entertainment and kentucky. 1 Comment


As the kids used to say, “Shut up.”

The Mayor of Louisville is sending bourbon to the mayors of Chapel Hill and Knoxville. They are supposed to get schnockered when their teams lose to the University of Louisville.

“Bourbon is our secret full-court press,” Abramson said in a news release.

Since KY, NC and TN all make cigarettes which would kill them a whole bunch faster than sipping bourbon, WTF, Mayor? You want to win or what? Send them unfiltered fags.
We supply cancer sticks to the rest of the world, but to NC and TN we send bourbon?

Since the Mayor doesn’t have a liquor license it’s against UPS TOS to ship el Bourbono. Bah, I guess he wasn’t going to run down to the local liquor to pick up a half pint. (236.588237 milliliters)

Roy Williams needs it worse than the mayor, because his team is tanking because some chick got shot. Like that doesn’t happen often in the U.S. Oh, forgot, she was a popular white chick, so that makes it all different than the crack ho that got shot downtown.
Back to gambling. Won’t be long and the mayors of the Final Two ™ will be rolling out their press releases with their bets.

This threatened to dampen the widely popular practice of college students, office workers, and just about anyone who have traditionally participated in NCAA college basketball tournament betting pools.”

In fact, CBSSports.com developed an application to make it easier for Facebook users to use betting pools, says the story.

The NCAA should be so proud of their exclusive TV partner.
I have my money on Memphis Western Kentucky University.

Irish Death Ray Pointed at U.S.; Canucks Conspire; We Will All Die Soon. Part II

Published on March 12, 2008 in Holy Shit! Lookit This!, Ireland and kentucky. 6 Comments

deathray.jpg

More secretions from Republic of Ireland have come into my possession. While Grandad was supposedly attending a shindig in his honor, (aka WR 104) it appears that he was in fact devising a new plan along with the Embassy of Canuckastan to shoot a death ray at Kentucky.

Reports from the village near Grandad confirm winning this “major award” has gone to his head. Sightings of Grandad with sunglasses on top of his head indicate he feels star-like qualities. He was a co-winner with Grannymar, but her state remains relatively stable. However, she refers today to a recorded message, which may have unknown clues.

This is the secretion which was intercepted. (Substitute “Grandad” for Wolf-Rayet, a clever anagram for WTF a-hole!)

Both the massive stars in WR 104 will one day explode as supernovae. However, one of the pair is a highly unstable star known as a Wolf-Rayet, the last known stable phase in the life of these massive stars right before a supernova.

“Wolf-Rayet are regarded … as ticking bombs,” Tuthill explained. The ‘fuse’ for this star “is now very short — to an astronomer — and it may explode any time …”

When the Wolf-Rayet goes supernova, “it could emit an intense beam of gamma rays coming our way,” Tuthill said. “If such a ‘gamma ray burst’ happens, we really do not want Earth to be in the way.”

Since the initial blast would travel at the speed of light, there would be no warning of its arrival.

It seems that Grandad could not be so bright, but better safe than sorry.
targetingdevice.jpg

This targeting device (above) is currently being smuggled into Canada.

On my mark: duck assholes!

Kentucky: Pass This Law; No Anonymous Commenting.

Published on March 7, 2008 in Blogging and kentucky. 0 Comments

Ineed to accomplish an act of civil disobedience this year to meet my earlier prognostication.

If this law passes, it would be so easy! One single anonymous comment here, and I get a $500 fine.

Couch’s bill would require anyone who contributes to a Web site to register their real name, address (emphasis mine) and e-mail address with that Web site. Their full name then would be used whenever they posted a comment.

Web site operators who violated the disclosure law would be fined $500 for a first offense and $1,000 for each subsequent offense.

I am taking up the cause because Representative Couch won’t – even though he introduced the bill.

Couch on Wednesday readily acknowledged that his bill raises First Amendment issues regarding free speech, so he won’t be pushing it.

It has constitutional issues? Sounds like the perfect law. Couch has three republicans who will be running against him and certainly doesn’t see the value in the publicity this would generate. All publicity is good publicity, the old bromide says.

Here’s the strategy Timmy boy: “I’m just protecting the chillren. Kids write nasty things about other kids, and we need to protect them from the viciousness of the innerwebs. We must look out for those who cannot look out for themselves. It is governments duty to pass laws that are vague so the courts can interpret them to include any speech that anyone might take any offense with.”

God Bless Kentucky.

God Bless America.