Archive for the 'M & Ms' Category

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Beef: Grass Fed or Corn Fed. Neither! M&M Fed

Published on September 9, 2008 in M & Ms. 1 Comment


Of course I would love to find an M & M in my steak. But cow gas is legendary, so cattle farming could become very dangerous as little chocolate yummies go flying out the cow’s butt. Pa-ting, Ka-boing!

When M & M’s Fly!

I’ve had grass fed beef and you don’t want grass fed beef. Unless there is no beef and you have to eat grass fed fish. That’s even worse.

A feedlot operator calmly tells the Journal that he’s cutting corn rations with potato chips and a “byproduct from Hershey’s and M.M. Mars” featuring cocoa shells and M&Ms(!).

Look at that face, if cows didn’t taste so damn good, I might switch entirely to M&M’s too.

M & M Premiums Look Like Rejects from Exxon Valdez

Published on August 23, 2008 in M & Ms. 5 Comments

Oh well, now just come on. I wasn’t going to write anything about the new M & M Premiums because everybody knows that their premium candy are regular M & M candy coated lovelies.

Then I came across this picture of the new candy.

Now, tell me what is premium looking about these candies? They look like old marbles, or moldy costume jewelry from Aunt Maude’s ring, or pebbles from a beach that has been covered in Exxon Valdez oil for a dozen years.

There is no CRUNCH! Just the metallic looking skin.

Then there is this: the candies will be launched during New York Fashion Week. The home of the Size 0. Where one M & M can cause wide spread puking. Here are the innards of the new M&M’s

Mint and Triple Chocolate

A pox on your house Mars – I don’t care if Jupiter does align, this isn’t the dawn of a new candy and peace won’t rule the earth.

How Far North Would You Find Jesus Bar and Grill?

Published on June 3, 2008 in Food and M & Ms. 5 Comments

Think about this the next time your are in your thinking place where the seat flushes.
I just got done mowing the backyard, and there’s nothing to do but think as I follow the ass of Briggs and Stratton. Here’s what I was thinking:

  • How far north would you have to be in the U.S. to find a place called Jesus Bar and Grill? You know, Jesus the poolboy, not Jesus, Lord and Savior.  I’m thinking Yuma, Arizona. Which BTW, the citizens of Yuma refer to themselves as Yumans. I think that’s nice, no male/female, race, etc. Just Yuman.
  • Are there native Mexican Jews?
  • What time of day was the last supper? Here in the bible belt, supper is around noon. I’m talking about the Lord and Savior Jesus here, not Jesus, the pool boy.
  • If Jesus, ( L&S ) had the last supper today, would it look like this?
  • I know it would be a cook-out, but would it have been burgers and beer? or steak and beer? It’s all guys, right? So meat and beer, not wine, and potato salad maybe, and beans. Yeah, beans for sure.
  • Might have a big picnic table kind of like in the painting, but more than likely it would be a glass top patio table from Big Blue or Big Orange Box store.
  • If there were M&M’s at the last supper, there probably would be better attendance at communions today.

So, what did you think about today while performing some mindless activity?

UPDATE: Best variety of ads served by Google with one post (Headlines only):
Jesus Christ Loves You
10 Rules for Stomach Fat
Jesus
Yuma Economic Development
Esdepalaw

UPDATE: Madonna is dating Jesus Luz. If only his last name was Luiz, then she would be dating Jeez Louise.

For Sale or Trade: M&M’s and Miller Chill Beer, Trade for Baby Carrots and Water

Published on June 2, 2008 in Food, Health, M & Ms and Technology. 11 Comments

The doctor just put me on the Do or Die Diet. You can imagine what fun I had late this afternoon, getting that news.
I’ve had sleep apnea for 17 years. Always a trailblazer, I had sleep apnea before sleep apnea was cool.
If that doesn’t impress you, try this: at the same sleep study, I was diagnosed with restless legs.
YES! The real restless legs syndrome that only recently has been made a punchline by the stupid drug companies.

I’ve been using a CPAP since they were invented. I’m a hoser. Up my nose with a rubber hose.


I’ve been snoring again for about a year. Within the past few months, I had another bodily function that seemed rather abnormal. If I lay on my back, just before dozing off, it was like a little trap door in my throat would spring shut blocking my airway.
Diagnosis: I’m so damn overweight my fat chest was collapsing my airway.

I’m going to have another sleep study so we get to pay to confirm something everybody already knows.

I need to get off my fat butt.

When I explained that sleeping downhill made it better, she wasn’t impressed. “You just moved the weight from your chest to your tummy.”

Eventually, it’s sleeping in the recliner, then upright, then she explained that I am just a few more beers and M&M’s and milkshakes, and cookies, and cake, and chocolate muffins away from…

sleeping on all fours like a puppy.

So it’s the Do or Die Diet.

  • Cancel my order for 5 lbs of M & M’s for Father’s Day.
  • Find somebody to give my beer to.
  • Eat more greens – and the doctor pointedly said green cake didn’t count, so don’t suggest only green M & M’s. Chill comes in a green bottle so I was good to go with that if that argument would have held up.
  • Stop using the computer chair to roll to the fridge.

“So how long did it take you to put on this weight?” the doctor asked.

“All my friggin’ life. ”

Here’s your sign.

M&M Faces New Marketing Strategy

Published on May 22, 2008 in M & Ms. 4 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

Is it just me, or is M&M/Mars just totally gone nutso? 
They announced today one can special order M&M’s with a face imprinted on each piece of delightful candy coating.
I understand vanity M&M’s with corporate logos,  having Indiana Jones eat M&M’s from a Crystal Skull (obviously Mars has not forgotten the Reese’s Pieces fiasco.) Even having little bundles of wedding M&M’s.

“The consumers aren’t recreating the brand, they enhance it,” said Cass. “The brand essence is fun, and they simply redefine that,” says Jim Cass, Mars Direct’s VP.

Enhance it? How about eating it? You want me to buy a 14 ounce package of M&M’s and enhance it? Would you also suggest the Mona Lisa be enhanced? (BTW: I have my order in for Father’s Day: 5 lbs. of “normal” M&M’s, if you would like to enhance that!)

Why did I  have to find out about this new product feature from another blog and not the insider blog for Ambassadors?  I’m an Ambassador for Maker’s Mark bourbon and I regularly get cool stuff from Bill Samuels. He even invites me to a party at Keeneland, Thoroughbreds and Redheads.

But noooo, you have to keep it all to yourself and make a big deal at some private candyass conference.

Hey Cass, check this out if you want to sell more M&M’s, skip the personalized faces and go with:

  • Historical Faces M&M’s: Lincoln will be 200 years old next year, start with him. 
  • Historical Places M&M’s: Lincoln Monument next year.
  • Historical Chases M&M’s: Wilkes Booth next year.

This might even get the endorsement of the Dep’t of Education and allow M&M’s as part of “No Child Left Behind.” Talk about selling more candy! Oh wait, marketing is about enhancing the brand…

 
This is probably funnier than most of the blogs here.