I remember when these headlines had entirely different meanings.

Catch Her In The Wry said Mrs. Spitzer looked like a worn out Jennifer Anniston. She does. But “worn out?” Ouch.

So here are the five people I resemble:

• Chevy Chase
• Arthur Conan Doyle
• Spike Lee
• John Major
• Heinke Dreschler

I thought Mrs. Spitzer looked like Terri Hatcher.

and… Happy TGI Pi-Day 3.14

• An Eye for a Tooth -
  • The blind man is able to see again with the help of his son’s tooth.
• Girl (!) allergic to water -
  • When Ashleigh gets wet her body explodes in sore, itchy red lumps that take about two hours to ease.
• Girl has period eleventy billion times -
  • Wow, it will be nice when I stop feeling like a bitchy whinefestering complainathon.
• Putting nettles up your nose helps allergies -
  • For people interested in gathering their own wild nettle it bears mentioning that they must wear long-sleeved shirts and gloves.”
• My Fluffy Summer Brain -
  • I wonder if all of the anguish and failures of the last few years have knocked the intelligence out of me?

This is hopeless, but please don’t post:

• your search terms
• the spam you get
• your weather
• in a language other than English
• how successful you are (or could be)

and expect people to be interested.

I asked Nancy what she thought of this list and she thought, looked hard at me and said, “you really need a haircut.”

Am I in trouble?

Here are ideas for Valentine’s Day that IMHO are pretty lame because they have no real usefulness. But I guess women like that kind of thing. I guess. These are ranked in order of cost and effort involved.

• Roses – not cheap and you have to remember to call in advance. They don’t mean as much if you bring them home to her from the grocery store. Extra bonus points if she works outside the home and you have them delivered to her work.
• Poetry - no, Roses are Red…, won’t work. But: remember, it doesn’t have to rhyme either.
• Love Letter – it has to be handwritten. If you have bad hand-writing don’t worry about it because she won’t be able to see thru the tears.  The quality of paper you use is meaningless, rip out a notebook page. It needs to be at least 8 1/2 x 11.” You can’t use a broad felt tip pen. Ball-point or pencil is fine. Blood is even better.
• Name a star after her - forget the real star-naming website. Just get some fancy paper from the office supply store and fake it.
• Breakfast in bed – piece of cake if you forgot until your head hit the pillow the night before. Get up before she does and hopefully you can figure out what she would like for breakfast. Get the newspaper, find a nice tray, a napkin, (cloth if you know where they are.)

What ever you do, DO NOT do all five. Man law.