Archive for the 'Empty Nesters' Category

Fly American Airlines for an Unforgettable Experience

American Airlines deserves to die. Their equipment is old, their people are old, their attitude is old.

 

The only reason AA hasn’t died is that some corporate travel agents, high award miles travelers, and the brain dead are still willing to put up with their crap. That has to be the reason. We had a chance to choose a different airline when we took our vacation, but I went brain dead.

We love Southwest Airlines, and fortunately they fly most places we want to go. Except outside the U.S. Belize is outside the U.S.
On four short legs here is our American experience:

  • Aborted takeoff because of cargo bay door open indicator light.
  • Smaller seats than Southwest. AA = 31″or 32″; Southwest 32″ or 33″ wide. Yes, I can tell the difference! If Nancy wasn’t sitting beside me so we could put up the armrest I would have ended up disabled and need of a hip replacement.
  • Videotaped emergency instructions. Yeah, it’s a big deal. I want to look at the people who are on the plane to ensure my safety. I want them standing in the aisle with a smile on their face reassuring me that if I need an “emergency flotation device” (not life vest because the opposite of life is death) when “outside” the aircraft (not bobbing like a cork in the ocean, which is outside the aircraft in the “unlikely event of a water landing.” Water LANDING?)
  • Early arrival in Dallas - only to sit on the tarmac for 20 mintues waiting for a gate to open
  • Waiting at the gate for another 20 minutes for somebody to bring the jetway to the plane
  • An hour delay waiting for a plane to come from Nashville to Dallas to take us to Nashville. WTF?
  • A really old dude crew member acting like a flight attendant. Older than Me! By five years! And he’s checking with people in the emergency row to make sure THEY can assist him in case of an emergency. Did anybody check him?

 Southwest Rocks.

“If low-cost carriers have the capital to survive high fuel prices, they will find considerable new opportunities. In the U.S., legacy carriers are not only increasing fares but also adding a lot of fees. There is a bigger cost differential between Southwest and legacy carriers than there has been in a long time.”

American Airlines deserves to die. The sooner the better.

 

Dreaming Within My Means

Finally! Somebody is designing a golf cart for Boomers. Us guys who grew up wishing we had the hottest car in town, but didn’t have a job. Us guys who, when we had a job, had a family. Us guys who are saving for retirement and don’t want to blow tens of thousands of dollars on a car just to park in the garage save for a few cruise-ins a year.

This golf cart is designed for us guys who still love to draw attention to our wheels.

I had this idea first.

Bad-Ass Golf Carts.

My idea was to adapt a snowmobile engine to our golf cart. Since snowmobile engines are/were driven by belts, it seemed to me that this would be an easy adaptation to a conventional golf cart. I don’t even think the suspension would have to be strengthened.

These bad boys took the cart to a new level - literally. They say if you can’t jump it, dump it. These aren’t the lame-o golf carts with bodies to resemble a Rolls Royce or a Hummer, but with a puny gas engine - or God forbid - run on a battery. These are bonafide HOT WHEELS.

The company specializes in 24HP Honda V-Twin engines to give your cart an extra boost, and offers extras like 14″ off-road suspension systems, headliner TVs, video game installations, satellite radio, A/C, 20″ rims, air bags…

I’m not sure about the knobby tires, Bob The Greensman would probably disapprove, but I would love to fire up 24 horsepower and blow the doors balls off the guys in the other cart.

I think I would go for the California Roadster, but make it the Redneck Roadster…

But if push came to shove and I needed Nancy’s buy in, this would clinch it… the Hot Pink with Leopard seats.

Yeah, I’d drive it! Real slow to the first tee, suffer the insults, then careen down the first fairway at top speed… laffing all the way… and let Bob The Greensman try to catch me.

One modification I would make though. The roll cage would definitely have to be stronger. Da, if we weren’t committed to that Smart Car. OTOH, what we’re paying for the Smart, we could each have a hot cart!

PS: didja notice that the model is cock-eyed?

Our New $160,000 House - How Cheating Pays Off

Whomever said “never trust a young chick showing lots of cleavage at a blackjack table” was wrong. Nancy showed her trust and even invited me to sit at the same blackjack table and enjoy the view game with this young chick dealer.

The Twits and Twats golf tournament opening event Friday night was a putting contest followed by a Casino Night. Nancy first invited the folks from NashVegas to come to Le Club Du Golf when she ran the Cocks and Knockers tournament last year. (The tournament is really called the Braves and Squaws, which I find more offensive than Chicks and Dicks or the other names mentioned.)

It was such a big hit, they were invited back.

These folks didn’t show up with plastic game tables and plastic chips. They were the real thang. The guy who runs the company makes the tables for real casinos and his side business is running casino nights for corporate events and such. Real tables, real roulette, real craps, real chips!

The people he hires to run the tables are NOT the real thang. They cheat.

Thus our ability to spend our $160,000 winnings on a couple of bird houses and some suet.

I like to play Hold’em online, but never played at a real table with a real dealer and real chips until last year. I had a ball, busted out and loved it.

I did the same thing this year.

Nancy likes to play Blackjack. She sent word that if I needed chips, to just let her know. I blew off the messenger, but two hands, later after a massive all-in bet holding a full house, lost everything. My eights in the hole got beat by Queens in the hole. I am such a gambler!

I moseyed over to her table to announce I was ready to go home, and ended up watching her table. I was still to prideful to accept her generous offer.

After ten minutes, I took a thousand from her stack and sat down and bet it on one hand.

I had 20, dealer had to stand on 17. Winnah.

Let it ride, I got 18 with three cards, dealer busted. Winnah.

Let it ride, I got 17, dealer showing 10. Dealer looks at me, I indicate I was good, (I didn’ t want another card) she looks at next card and gives it to me, making 20. She shows 20 and pays me.

Huh?

Let it ride. Next hand, it takes me four cards to make 16. Oh-uh, not looking good. Dealer busts. Winnah? Really? Again?

Let it ride.

BTW: everybody else is winning also. But sometimes the dealer would look at a “hit” card and put it back in the shoe. Sometimes she would do this twice before giving them their “hit” card to go with their hole cards.

We had a Cheating Dealer! It was wonderful!

Nancy once commented “that’s not the card I wanted,” and dealer replied, “that’s OK, you’re beat anyway.” Nancy wasn’t betting her entire stack on every hand like I was, so the dealer let her lose occasionally.

Near the end of the evening, it was getting harder and harder for the dealer to make us winners. She had returned so many cards to the shoe, and had not shuffled, so the cards were starting to repeat - either very low cards or very high cards.

So we playahs just began trading the cards we needed.

And when the dealer left to cash someone out? Nancy just helped herself to the dealer’s bank and gave us all a bunch of chips.

The items available for “auction” were quite nice. Titan’s tickets, liquor, wine, crystal decanter, luxury bath items, luxury food items, but we had our eyes on the bird houses, suet, and other assorted goodies from Bird, Bath, and Beyond.

We found out Saturday night our bid of $160,000 was the one and only bid for the birds.

Winnah!

I’ll post a picture later of the $160,000 bird house.

Winners never cheat, cheaters never win? One Blackjack table at Le Club Du Golf Casino Night didn’t quit live up to that bromide.

And we loved it!

However the golf gods were watching today, and punished us rather severely.






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