Wow, that was sooo NOT fun.
Jonny offered to babysit the pooches so we could have a little getaway. We haven’t done any real sight-seeing of all the typical tourist spots since we moved.
We decided that since Manuel Antonio National Park, one of Forbes 12 best in the Frigging World, was worthy of a trip. Its only a couple hours away too.
After getting a recommendation from a local gringa on a place to stay we headed out Tuesday, May 1, the Labor Day Holiday in Costa Rica.
We arrived at Velabar Hotel just in time for the afternoon showers.
Velabar is not what I had hoped for. It’s old. We’ve stayed at old before without problem. Old is not the issue. No maintenance was the issue. I purposely upgraded to an air conditioned room because I knew it was gonna be hot and humid on the beach. The a/c control didn’t work.
The a/c pumped out chilled air at full blast. Only the bedroom had a/c. So sleeping was fitful as I woke up cold, turned the a/c off, then woke up hot and turned the a/c back on throughout the night.
Bad night.
And what is it about uncomfortable furniture in Costa Rica? Christ on Crutches, we had only one rocker that didn’t just KILL my back. AND the bed was typical Costa Rica… a mattress on top of some wooden slats. I’ve eaten larger marshmallows than the pillows.
Wednesday morning we walked to the entrance to the park. This was a nice advantage to Velabar. Off street parking and within easy walking distance to the park entrance.
We entered about 8:30 and were out by 10:00. I hate to be jaundiced, but when you’ve seen one tropical rain forest jungle you’ve seen them all. We’ve seen monkeys in the wild near our house and Toucan’s in our trees, and iguanas by the pool.
Our tour guide in Belize Maruba Resort did a fantastic job of explaining all the flora and fauna.
It was damn humid. I was dying because there wasn’t a breath of air and we weren’t seeing anything new.
We left, had a late breakfast and hit the beach where at least every once in a while there was a cool breeze. Enjoyed watching the surfers.
Early afternoon, we headed back to the room to nap and struggle with the a/c controls. A guy showed up with a new controller which worked.
After nap time, we took and early-bird dinner because we skipped lunch. We ate at Marlin’s Restaurant on the Manuel Antonio beach. Nancy had Mahi Mahi (or so they claimed) and I had two Burritos.
Later that night she was up barfing.
And barfing.
And barfing.
Next morning, I headed to the restaurant to partake of the free continental breakfast they advertised on their website. After hassling me about the offer, the person in charge finally said OK, I could get a continental breakfast.
Since when is a continental breakfast two slices of toast, butter, marmalade and juice?
What a gyp. In the land of fruit, there wasn’t a fruit slice to be found.
Next door was a place that served a pancake, scrambled eggs, coffee and fruit plate for $4.
Whuck?
We checked out, piled into the car and headed to Linea Vital, the local emergency room, because Nancy gets dehydrated when she barfs a lot.
She did.
She was.
Home by noon.
That was no NOT fun.
UPATE: We picked Velabar because there was a restaurant attached. It was closed the day we arrived. A casserole was C18,500. WiFi was sketchy at best, no ICE cell service, but that may have been due to the Labor Day holiday.
Groupon CEO Andrew Mason was swilling beer from a bottle while at a meeting chastising his top employees about how childish they were.
The Wall Street Journal reported that the 31-year-old CEO said the company doesn’t “have any margin for error,”
Near the verge of tears because he had chugged to much PBR, Mason plowed ahead to motivate his staff to find better deals with better financial controls and better profit margins.
The SEC is probing Groupon because of book-cooking and other frat-boy shenanigans.
Meanwhile, out in the field, the Groupon Chicks were having a ball (maybe literally) lining up tours of Kink.com, a torture porn filmmaker.
“Groupon even advertises that groups may get to see a live filming in progress,”
according to an anti-porn group.
Groupon told the War on Illegal Porngraphy
“we strive to offer interesting and exciting deals that will appeal to our diverse customer base.”
Because of the backlash to the torture porn tour, Groupon is considering the merits of the following offers for their diverse customer base:
- Tour Mother Mary Magdalene’s OB-GYN clinic. Spend a day with the retired Sisters. You may get to see an actual pap smear done on a seventy five year old virgin!
- Nose hair trimmer for a day at Cadaver King of Cleveland. Because hair continues to grow after death you can enjoy a variety of noses and hair and trimming. Get creative!
- Backstage with The Fluffer.
- Pre-op Pus Inspector at Burning Man. You will hang with some of the most diverse groupies ever to have assembled. It will be colorful!
- Post-op Scab Scanner at Flame Throwers R Us. You will help management determine if the scabs were actually on the job incidents. Snacks of chips and salsa will be served all day!
- Crime Scene Cleaner for the Detroit Police Department, Detroit River Division. Bodies are plucked from the Detroit River almost daily. You can watch as the bloated bodies inflate right before your eyes. Swell time!
- Colonoscopy Intern. Batches of baby boomers bring their backsides to the Boston Bean Center where you lube up and probe as many bums as you can!
This “historic” tours follow the Groupon Kink.com new marketing plan outlined here:
In the immortal words of Vanessa Pinto…
The Armory is a historical building that people are fascinated with. Human beings are curious about all sorts of things they find odd or interesting. Tours are offered of Hearst Castle, Winchester Mystery House, and Alcatraz, and no one bats an eyelash. The Armory is a very old building with a rich history that people are fascinated with. Add to that, it was bought by kink.com, the home of BDSM porn, and of course people are going to want to take a tour.
And Groupon.com will be there to make it profitable for shareholders.
Bring Beer!
Aside from being able to buy clothes at El Cheapo Men’s Wearhouse… brands like:
- Guest?
- LaCostly
- Wankler
- Levo’s
- Eddie Bow-wower
…I loved the 4/$10 tee shirts, but HATED the upcharge of $3 a shirt for XXXL. And trying to find 42-44-almost 46 pants in anything but pleated front blah was almost impossible. … I lost a bunch of weight so I could stop paying extra for extra large sizes.
I also lost weight because I thought I could ditch the CPAP.
My friend John was successful. Hate him. He dropped about a hundred and immediately stopped snoring. He refers to the CPAP mask as “the pig nose.”
And he’s right…
I’ve worn a CPAP for a couple decades now. If I don’t, I don’t sleep. Living in the land of frequent power outages, using a CPAP blows, except when it doesn’t – because the power is out!
We have a running joke around here: when the sky is exploding because of a major storm and lightning is bouncing all around us at eye level (love living in the mountains) our power only flickers. And sometimes doesn’t do that.
But give us a nice clear evening with a nice breeze and blammo. No power. Last night was the longest we have been without power: about two hours. Blinked off at 8 p.m. Nancy fired up her iPhone and played Words With Friends and I powered up her Nook and did a couple crossword puzzles.
Nancy eventually fell asleep, but I knew it was futile for me to try. I grabbed my pillow and slipped outside and curled up on the porch swing. I think I snoozed, but it wasn’t long before the power blinked to life and I slipped into my pig nose and drifted off to dreamland.
Hate having the CPAP, but hate the alternative worse.
OK, Kohler has a very cool bathtub: the VibrAcoustic tub mashes up your tunes and makes waves while you soak. But c’mon… for fun, how can you beat the Japanese? These toilets sing, dance and even enable you to get interactive; turning the usually mundane task of relieving one’s self into an experience you want to share with the world.
Featured below are some of the most imaginative and awe inspiring johns in the world; all based in one country.
Getting Lippy
A fine example of how the Japanese never shy away from a good bit of toilet humour. These are the men’s urinals (unfortunately the women weren’t given an option quite as fun as this) and they’re certainly wee eye catching!
Holy Moly
If you’re the kind of person who feels guilty about the notion of peeing in public, then this set of enlightening urinals won’t help to take the pressure off. It does, however, make the experience a little more spiritual though – but we’re not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing in this context.
Robo-Pee
The Japanese nightclub, where this toilet is situated, plays off the country’s penchant for being technologically advanced. (Un)fortunately, the promising looking robotic arms and camera are fake, but the sheer imagination makes up for the defunct mechanics. The question is though; if it was real… would you trust it? The answer: No freaking way.
Creepy Clown
You’ll probably be wetting yourself out of fear after using this toilet. The creepy clown urinal actually has the nerve to bounce up and down, and even sing whilst you do your business – not for those who are prone to stage fright. This toilet (unsurprisingly) has actually become quite a tourist attraction in Japan – just a shame for the ladies, who’ll never actually get to marvel at this feat in technology.
Sega-fun
For the vast majority who get nostalgic about the retro video games of their youth, this toilet will bring back fine memories. Simply dubbed the ‘Toylet’, you control the character on the screen by aiming for the target located in the urinal – a highly addictive, yet brief, gaming experience. It’s hard to figure out whether this toilet encourages further drinking or building up bladder strength; as you’ll want to save up for every trip in order to beat the top scorer.
Super lazy boy
Ever feel a bit lazy? Too lazy to even put the toilet seat down? Well in Japan this issue isn’t a problem. The toilet featured in this video is actually pretty standard for many of the higher end hotels and, as you can expect, do all the hard work for you. Aside from the peeing bit, you won’t have to lift a finger.
And of course, women who want to use a urinal always have the options of choosing Stand2Pee.com.
This list of tomorrows toilets was compiled by the tech heads at Ladbrokes Bingo.
