Tag Archive for 'Oliver'

Because I Feel the Need to Share

Published on January 7, 2011 in Baby Boomer. 3 Comments Tags: , , .

Sedona In Bed Yawning

You don’t need to know this. You probably don’t want to know this. You won’t be better for knowing after you read it.

This is purely a self-indulgent post because I need to share.

It’s about dogs pooping. (You’re welcome for the lack of visual aids.)

Sedona is a “real dog.” She is a lab-border collie mix. She is 60 pounds, strong, active, feisty, smart, fun. When she needs to go, she will stand at the back door and give me a signal. I open the door, she saunters out into the back yard, spots a spot, sniffs a sniff, squats and poops. Sometimes, I just open the door and she goes out and poops.

Oliver is a “pretend dog.” He is a Shih-Tzu. He is 20 pounds, lazy, needs grooming regularly, lazy, needy, lazy, and lazy. Oliver needs a friggin’ announcement. He never has stood at any door suggesting he would like to poop outside.

Oliver mailbox.

The first time he hears that, he raises his head from his curled up spot on the blanket on his couch.

Oliver MAILBOX you lazy lump of fur.

This usually gets him standing up looking at me as if to say, “you talkin’ to me?”

%$*&^|%^{}]  Oliver ^%^^8087%  Mailbox!!! %^(*

This will get him to jump down off the couch, stretch and mosey to the front door all the while looking at me as if to question how I know he needs to shit.

We have a leash law. Oliver does not wear a leash. Oliver is too good for a leash. Oliver has a routine:

Walk down drive, pee on car tire, walk to mailbox, sniff bush, pass, sniff mailbox, pee on mailbox.

Oliver! %$# (*&& $_)({|]\%$^ This Way!

This gets him to trot to the corner stop sign. Sniff. Pee. Sniff.

C’mon hurry UP.

Now the true Oliver Poop Routine kicks into another gear. Remember, prior to this, only pee was evacuated.

Walk to side yard, look for place to move from street to yard, move into yard, move back to street, move to different spot in street to cross to yard, move into yard, trot, sniff, hop, circle, circle, hop, sniff, trot, circle, circle, sniff, sniff,  trot, trot, trot, circle.  Move to different part of yard, circle, circle, sniff, trot, circle, circle, poop.

Oliver and I are a lot alike. The only thing that gets us off the couch is a good shit.

Sad Shih Tzu

Oliver Learns from The Family Circus

Published on February 12, 2010 in Baby Boomer. 6 Comments Tags: , , , .

Oliver is our Shit-Zoo. He is the only dog that is allowed to go off-leash to do his duty in the front yard. The others are relegated to piling up their poo in the fenced backyard because they can not be trusted to focus.

The “others” tend to get distracted by squirrels, other dogs, each other, cars, clouds, leaves, airplanes, and just general barkiness.

Oliver knows his  mission when he and I leave the front door. He focuses on finding the perfect spot to pee. He always finds more than one perfect place.

He follows the Family Circus route to urinate.

I think he needs Flomax.

(Not to scale - some colors may vary)

How Nooter Helped Me Communicate

Published on March 22, 2009 in Dogs. 7 Comments Tags: , , , .

Nooter the Dog blogs regularly. I’ve learned alot about dogs from reading Nooter’s thoughts. It never would have occurred to me to have a real conversation with one of the four moochers that hang around our place.

I’ve had plenty of conversations AT my dogs:

  • Who the hell did this?
  • Did you do this?
  • Why did you do this?
  • Do it again and I’ll…

Nooter gave me the encouragement I needed to actually engage on of our doguses, dogi, dogsums in a tet-a-tet.

I didn’t approach Sofi because she is mostly puppy and her attention span is about as long as, Being small is… oh look a sunbeam!

Derby lived on the streets of Nashville before we adopted him and he still has that “street dog” attitude. Oh yeah, scratch my ears, ummmmm, thanks. Then he’ll walk over into the hallway and shit.

Oliver just won’t talk. I mean look at him. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to. He won’t talk, I gar-on-tee it.

Sedona on the other hand, just lives to please me.  She lays on the bed up by my pillow in the winter to warm up the bed before I climb in. When I had my Basil Sell Cars in Sonoma, she licked at it to try to make it go away. She loves to hug. She craps in the yard in a nice neat pile for me to scoop up. She hates squirrels too.

I decided to give conversation a try. When she was giving me a hug, I whispered in her velvet ears.

Why do you wag your tail so much?

She said why do you insist on breaking up our moment?

After I apologized we had a short chat.

I noticed in this video online that this dog curls his tongue and bites the water, is that how you drink?

No, that the European way of drinking.

Why does the hair on your back go up when you are irritated?

It does? Holy crap! Why didn’t somebody tell me this?

You never crap in the house, thanks by the way, but what’s the deal?

It’s my house.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot for a minute.

Since we’re chatting, can I ask you a couple questions?

Shoot.

When you get up in the night to pee, why do you insist on waking me up by patting my head as you walk by?

Oh, sorry, I thought I was patting Nancy’s butt.

This isn’t a question, it’s a request. The name is Sedona, not Doner, not Sedonia, not Dones, not Stoner. Sedona. Will you please refer me in this way from now on?

Yes.

Now piss off, I need a nap. And don’t think we’re gonna have these chats often.