Footnoted for your reading pleasure. When is the last time you read a footnoted blog post anyway?

You’re welcome.

If U.S. Patent 6313371 had found it’s way to market, young boys and their grandfathers would never be as close. (1) Young men would have less one less talent to outdo their peers. (2) Road trips would be more boring. (3) Plausible deniability would never enter into a domestic dialogue (4)

U.S. Patent 6313371 is a Flatulence Filter. A Gas Grabber. A Smell Stopper.

(Pictured: The Gore Greenhouse DeEmissioner)

Of course there is a huge market for this – on mass transit, on school buses, in any closed vehicle in the dead of winter, in bed with a sheet flapper, anyplace guys gather in groups of three or larger, and on and on…

Patents have to be very specific lest they leave a loop-hole open for competitors. For example, they make clear this is product is not to be put over the mouth.

This “non-intrusive” pad is taped to the “inside [of your] briefs or panties in the anal area” where it works to neutralize the malodorous effects…

Think your gas (or somebody else’s) is worse than a “devil’s fart (pumpernickel)? Fuggitaboudit. This reverse sanitary napkin is:

“Activated charcoal cloth [was] originally developed by the British Chemical Defense Establishment of the Ministry of Defense as a highly efficient filter medium for protection against nerve gas and other highly toxic vapors which might be used in chemical warfare.”

You got it: this AssPad, ButtBlossom, AnalSilencer, whatever, can make toxic gas smell as sweet as sugar pie on the fourth of July.

Now you know why the men in charge have stopped development, manufacturing and marketing of such a viable and useful product.

• (1) “Pull my finger”
• (2) “Let’s light farts.”
• (3) “Did you hit a skunk?”
• (4) “Wasn’t me, it was the dog.”

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