The term snowbirds was coined by chambers of commerce to make visitors from the North in SW Florida feel good about overspending their hard earned bucks here.

Natives refer to seasonal visitors as Assholes.

I’m sorry if you think you are a Snowbird when you visit SW Florida. But if you are here for a short term (week or so) you are simply a tourist.

If you stay long enough to make trips to grocery stores, discount stores, early-bird restaurant specials, drug stores, you are simply an Asshole.

You are an Asshole if:

• You ask “where are the crocodiles?” Florida has alligators.
• You ask “where are the alligators?” They are in every body of water except your pool bathtub.
• You feed the sea rats on the beach French Fries. Sea Gulls in Florida are like pigeons in cities. Dirty and deadly aim with their poop.
• Startched golf shirts and shorts. Natives are wrinkled all over including their clothes.
• You ship fruit.
• Here to “have some work done.” Natives say “the boat’s in the shop.”
• If your license tag matches your gated community.
• you drive a convertible worth less $80,000 with the top down when it’s 70 degrees. Natives have the convertible up, heat on.
• you are walking on the beach holding hands. If a spouse grabs a native’s hand, they better be having a stroke!

If you need tips on faking it, stay tuned.