There’s something amiss (pun intended) in the Ladies Professional Golf Association. (LPGA) (ladies, harumph!) No, it’s not their lack of language skills like the LPGA thinks, it’s their lack of looks and the fact that they are all named Park, Kim or Lee. Except for Ochoa. And Wie, but she can’t win.

The LPGA announced they will suspend players from their tour if they can’t pass an oral evaluation. (No pun intended)

Seon-Hwa Lee, the only Asian with multiple victories this year, said she works with an English tutor in the winter. Her ability to answer questions without the help of a translator has improved she says. But I’ll bet you a long tee, she needed a helper to formulate this quote…

“The economy is bad, and we are losing sponsors,” Lee said. “Everybody understands.”

One of the directors, Ms. Peters (I am NOT making this up) says it’s only right.

“This is an American tour,” Peters said. “It is important for sponsors to be able to interact with players and have a positive experience.”

And here I thought it was all about TV ratings lead by quality golf! No, it’s just that the big-wig white guys want to flirt with the golfer chicks.

Some obviously closeted men even think beach volley ball got tedious during the Olympics.

Since it’s not about TV ratings, and they won’t play golf in bikinis, I cannot come up with a solution. I’m just saying that teaching Kim Lee Park to say “conditions were good for scoring, I just couldn’t make any putts” won’t resurrect the Ladies Professional Golf Association Tour.

These may not be solutions, but they are my suggestions:

• Paula Creamer dresses everyone.

• Posture lessons from Morgan Pressel

• Wardrobe by Venus Williams

• Lift, clean and place at every tournament see Morgan Pressel)
• Weight to Height ratio enforced
• Lose a limb or have a short arm
• Deduct inches from knee to bottom of skirt from final score.
• Gimme putts length determined by bust measurement
• All female caddies who must meet same standards above.
• Players who cash in must collect check that is laying on the ground.
• Kissing your caddy after each round must be open mouth.

Nah, it’s hopeless. The LPGA is headed the same as the National Hockey League: you can see them on TV only if you have 886 cable/satellite channels. And then only during playoffs. What? no playoffs in Ladies Professional Golf? Well there ya go! LPGA needs playoffs!