Nancy butt dialed me three times this morning. She headed out about 6:30 because she loves to shop. This isn’t her earliest venture into the Black Friday dawn. She and a friend actually hit some 4 a.m. sales a couple years back. She did get a helluva bargain today … some $150 knives for $39.99. But she had to “game” the system. She stood in line for 45 minutes only to find out when she reached the checkout that the knives she picked up didn’t scan at the sale price.

The last butt dial was her standing at the checkout. She raised a suitable stink… she can be really killer kind when motivated… quietly explaining to the checker that she didn’t stand in line for 45 minutes only to give up her knives. Twelve knives. One extra long, one with a serrated edge, one cleaver, one boning knife, and eight steak knives. Her voice was rising in pitch and volume from a very calm level as she read the label listing all the knives she held in her hand.

You know who needs to have Black Friday sales?

• Liquor stores – red wines, absinthe, blackberry wine, Black Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, oh hell, put it all on sale!
• Pharmacies – the drug counter
• Bible stores – what says Christmas more than knocking a Christian out of the way to buy an Advent Calendar for 75% off?
• Funeral Homes – preplanning is important. Black means mourning. It’s a natural. BTW: I have my arrangements put on my credit card with instructions that my heirs should protest the charges to see if Citibank has a resurrection plan.
• Dermatologists – for blackhead removal
• and the piece de resistance: the electric utility – a rolling blackout!