Obviously this is addressed to empty-nesters. Of course you lock it if still have your children living with you. But ninty-nine times out of ten, I don’t even shut the bathroom door. I can get pretty creative with my flatulence and I need an audience, and the acoustics are better with the door open. (Nancy is still raving about my Hail to the Chief on the morning of Change. That was a rare fine morning after chili, tacos, and Miller Chill. I focus now on tooting:  “Yes We Can.”

Why do I ask?

Because some genius has decided geezers need a timer on their bathroom locks.

The theory is this.

• I simply must have the bathroom door shut and locked.
• I am doing something that I don’t want to be caught doing.
• Things might get slippery.
• I fall.
• I lie there with fluids leaking from my body.
• I eventually will die because Nancy would never think to look for me when the garage door won’t stay down because it’s too cold and the grease is congealed and it almost makes it to the bottom and the track hiccups and the door thinks there is a foot in the way and goes back up because it’s trained to do that.

So here’s the solution:

• Put a lock on the door with a timer.
• When the time is up, and I haven’t deactivated the lock, the lock will dial-up the police, fire department, social security, and our John Hardcock Life insurance agent.

Will you punks stop inventing stuff for “the Burgeoning Baby Boomer Market!” Like Lincolns that parallel park themselves?   Hear, read this, if you want to know what we like.

If I have fluids leaking from my body or my head is smashed against the tile floor after bouncing off the edge of the tub, will the lock hear my screams? I think having sound deactivation would be much more desirable. Except I might need a fart muffler.

With sound deactivation, It would be just like the old days, when your kids were learning to release the chocolate hostages, but couldn’t wipe themselves.     IIIII’MMMMMMM    DDDDOOOOOONNNNEEEEEE.

Door unlocks.