Just shoot me. Just shoot anybody that lives in Kentucky. Shoot people that were born in Kentucky twice. Shoot horse owners who have had a horse race at Churchill Downs with a bazooka. Shoot horse race lovers everywhere. Just shoot.
The Limeys have won after all.
The Kentucky Derby and all races at Churchill Downs will be called by… choke… an Englishman. Mark Johnson is his name.
Mark Johnson has been a fixture at British tracks for years, calling some of the country’s highest profile races like the Epsom Derby and St. Leger Stakes. Johnson called one week of races during the 2008 fall meet at Churchill Downs before getting the nod over four other finalists.
I’ll leave the stupidity of hiring an Englishman to call horse races in Kentucky to others more qualified. Let me try to give you a clue what they future of Churchill Downs might hold with Mark Johnson as the official track announcer.
The English lads are fond of rhyming when they chatter. The more excited they get, the more they fill the air with rhymes.
It won’t be long before the fragrant air hanging over Churchill Downs will be echoing with such phrases as…
(I’ll let you fill in the blanks.)
- Sir Anthony Blunt, didn’t ride a gelding on the track, he rode a horse with a …
- Dear Princess Regina rode sidesaddle on a spotted mare and wore a spot on her …
- Stallions next to the starting block, blimey, me mate, brass ones ‘es got next to his giant …
- Guv’nor, the Gary Glitter ‘as gone round the bend to take his jap’s eye into Blue Moon …
- Lord Lionel’s trotter is right away bollox ‘eard his Missus was swallowing local lads…
- I say Commodore Hank, your studs a little bit short, can you reach down and pull out his …
I have the good fortune of knowing a thoroughbred owner. Born and raised within sight of Churchill Downs. We live within a few miles of a horse track. Mahogie is not happy. Not happy at all. Here’s what Mahogie wrote about this sad, sad day.
Mahogie won’t stand for this of course! Here’s top ten effects of Hiring this Dumb Arse from across the pond.
10. Austin Powers theme replaces “My Old Kentucky Home”
9. Poofter Jockeys allowed to wear knickers instead of silks.
8. First race call: “There Off! Why are you chaps running the wrong way?”
7. Safest bet : those queer judges on Dancing with the Stars had something to do with this.
6. Is this our punishment for giving you Madonna?
5. “Hey Fella, we don’t accept no freakin’ Six Pence at this betting window!
4. Announcer left for dead in infield after stating “That’s the tastiest fag I ever smoked!”
3. 95% of thoroughbreds have prettier smile than new guy in the booth.
2. Business at bangers and mash / spotted dick kiosks always pick up after Happy Hour.
1. New term for Breeding shed? The Bugger Barn