Marshal Dillion is in a real pickle. It’s only four minutes in the the TeeVee show an the bad guys have him cornered. They are on the rocks above and Matthew is on a ledge above the river.
They’re a gonna git ‘im.

It’s a gunfight. I wonder how I would do in a gunfight? I think I would do OK. Because I wouldn’t shoot until the bad guys used up all their ammo.

Bad guys do that. They just blast away and all their shots ricochet off the rocks. Ever notice that? Pow-ping. Blam-chhhiinnng.

I wouldn’t shot until I could kill ’em.

Uh oh, Matthew has a bad guy chained to his wrist, that’s gonna slow him down.  Remember the movie Speed? Shoot the hostage. Oops, bad guy boss shot the bad guy chained to Marshal Dillion’s. I guess he saw Speed. Well, it helps the Marshal. But there’s The River.
Ah ha! Matthew invented the jumps-off-ledge-into-the-river-stunt in 1972.

Butch Cassidy: Then you jump first.
Sundance Kid: No, I said.
Butch Cassidy: What’s the matter with you?
Sundance Kid: I can’t swim.
Butch Cassidy: Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.

Whew, he made it. Uh oh, he crashed his head into a rock. That’s gonna raise a knot.

I got hit in the head with a pick-axe once. Boys being boys, we were digging a hole. I had the shovel, my cousin had the pick axe. He loosened the dirt and I shoveled it out. We had a lack of communication and he planted the pointy end of the pick axe in my pointy head.

That made a knot. And took a few stitches. Heads sure bleed a lot for not having much blood up there.

OMG, Marshal Dillion is floating face down in the river – without his hat.

I’d like to wear a hat, a big old cowboy hat. I should wear a big old cowboy hat because of the Basil Sell Carsonoma. Also, guys wearing cowboy hats never have to remove them indoors? Notice? Obama introduced a cabinet member and he left his cowboy hat on during the press conference.

Whoa! What luck. Marshal Dillion whangs into a raft. Well lookie there, it’s Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher! No shit. For realz.  They will take him downriver with them. No Pa to be found! Wonder where their Pa is?

Don’t make me no never mind. The bad guys haven’t given up, they are racing on horseback down the river bank.

Harmonica! The kid is playing a harmonica. I took up the harmonica for a while. I could play a decent version of “Rocky Top.” Not a great song to know in Kentucky (it’s one of the unofficial state songs for Tennessee and the University of Tennessee unofficial theme song.) Did you know that you have to breathe in and out to make different notes on a harmonica? Remember when Kenny G set a record for continuous playing one note? That’s circular breathing. Another instrument that requires circular breating is the didgeridoo. I’ll stick with the harmonica. Actually I didn’t stick with it. I can’t practice inside and won’t practice outside. That just leaves the car. Maybe I’ll start practicing in the car on the way to the liquor store.

Look out kids, it’s the rapids. Never mind that these kids brought the raft “down from Osceola” by themselves, they need Matthew to get them through safely.

He did.

I love white water rafting. I’ve done it twice. The second time, Saint Todd DeCubbville fell out. We were on the Arkansas River underneath the Royal Gorge bridge.

It was quick. We hit the rapids, he was out – he was in. Or, he was in, then he was out and then he was back in again.

I don’t know if Jacob’s Crossin’ is near the Royal Gorge, probably not, since Jacob’s Crossin’ is on the Mississippi.

Remember the old jokey way to spell Mississippi? M, dotted letter, crooked letter, crooked letter, dotted letter, crooked letter, crooked letter, dotted letter, hump back, hump back, dotted letter…

Gypsies! They found gypsies. Did you know Vivienne Westwood, the designer of haute couture used gypsies for a big catwalk show one time?

The Marshal wonders off to find more guns and ammo. I guess that would be from the King of the Gypsies. Marshal! Look for the guy in purple pants named Michael Flatley.

Well now, Matthew, you should know better than to try and stop the beatin’ of a trap robber. Now you gotta fist fight Fin McCool.

Matt and Fin thrash around the camp and knock over tents and tables and gambling machines while the rest of the gypsies watch. I guess gypsies like a fair fight.

This gives the bad guys a chance to spot Mr. Dillion with a handsome brass telescope.

I got a telescope when I was a kid. Still have it. Once you’ve seen the craters on the moon once or twice, not much else good comes of owning a telescope. If I lived in a high rise in a big city, I would have a telescope. Probably lots of moons to look at.

Oh jeez, the trap robber is taking Tom and Becky’s raft and now the Marshal has to leave beatin’ that other bad guy and get the raft and now they are all floating down the river. Jack Elam is the trap robber and of course the woman-cheating-roulette-wheel-honey is on the raft now too.

I never been around a woman-cheating-roulette-honey. At least as far as I know.

But there’s always tomorrow.

Part 2? It’s a two-parter? I HATE two parters.

Spoiler:

Marshall Dillion makes it back to Dodge OK.

PS: I know Dodge is in Kansas. I mean OK as in Okeedokee, not Oklahoma.