Tomorrow is Saturday. My day of chores. Instead of SATurday, it should be Choreday. Inspired by this list, here are the Man Chores I do, but hate.
- Check out the computer because there is something “weird” on the screen or something “weird” is happening, or she can’t “get on” a site. Usually by the time I put down the remote, kick myself out of the recliner, dodge the dogs and get to the computer, it’s OK. If not, I close the browser or restart. Nine times out of ten that “fixes” it.
- Mow the lawn. So boring, ’round and ’round and ’round. Nothing but my thoughts and I bore me. What’s the difference between yard and lawn? Is this a soda/pop issue?
- Clean the gutters. I bought a iRobot Looj robot to eliminate that chore, but it was an utter failure. The Looj looks great on the infomercials, but unless your house has brand new gutters with perfectly flat bottoms and perfectly level braces, the Looj is constantly getting hung up or flipping on it’s side. If the junk in your gutters is wet or has pine cones? Forget it.
- Get the dingleberries. If it’s a particularly chunky one sometimes I can sneak up on the culprit grab a good grip and when the dog jumps away the dingleberry is in my grip. Other times it will be little remnants that has lodged in hair and that requires help. She has a choice: hold the dog while I get the scissors and trim it out, or vice versa. I always get the vice versa end of the dog.
- Program the telephone/answering machine. Bell South has given us the added feature of free voice mail. I don’t remember how it works and don’t care to learn. Our handset must be set to go to the answering machine after three rings, otherwise it goes to the Bell South voice mail and is gone forever.
- Paint. Specifically do the “cut in” painting around the ceiling or baseboards. I am hell-on-wheels with a roller on wide open walls, but I am so careless with the cutting in.
- Assemble peacefully. She is still looking for the perfect storage unit – you know the one where the stuff magically jumps on the shelf? So I have assembled cutting tables, sewing tables, wood shelves, metal shelves, plastic shelves, cardboard shelves, et al.
- Electricity. Anything you can’t see, but can kill you? No thanks.
- Unclog the disposal. If we are invaded by any creepy-crawly thing, we have poison to kill it ten times over – all under the kitchen sink. And that little unclogger wrench thingy is aways way at the back.
- Unclog the toilet. OK, I do the loggin’ I do the unclogging!
- Negotiating. I am terrible at it. I take it personally. But I found the answer. 1. either buy online and scour the internet for coupons that make me think I got a great deal, or 2. hire somebody to negotiate. (I hired somebody to sell Nancy’s old car because I knew I would be totally stressed over the deal.) You don’t want to be around me when we are house-shopping.
- Fix the Portfolio Manager. I stopped looking at this investment tracker over a year ago. Nancy checks it every day. Microsoft in their infinite wisdom decided we should have an upgrade, but it didn’t transport all our preferences, so it’s really messed up. Bill Gates is a Prick.
And finally, here’s some food for thought. If you had purchased $1000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1000 of Lehman Brothers stock one year ago, you will have $0 today. However, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of it, and turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214. Therefore, the best investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401keg Plan.