Regular readers will know that I have a real problem with boomers being lumped together in one giant demographic and so-called experts proclaiming we all have similar traits and are homogenized.

“TOM BROKAW REPORTS: BOOMER$!” WILL PREMIERE ON MARCH 4TH ON CNBC

CNBC will premiere a 2 hour documentary, “TOM BROKAW REPORTS: BOOMER$!” on Thursday, March 4th at 9pm. In a two-hour documentary, Tom Brokaw tells the story of history’s wealthiest and most influential generation. From hula hoops to civil rights, in war and politics, Brokaw chronicles the extraordinary impact 78 million baby boomers have had on American society over the past six decades, and explores the challenges they face as they begin to approach the age of retirement.

CNBC couldn’t find a boomer to do the documentary? Brokaw is 70, well outside the boomer edge. But then again, all the real boomers have real jobs hosting the nightly news on real networks like NBC, CBS, ABC.

They obviously are too important to mess around talking about the boomers. Pshaw, I say, Fie on you. A pox on your botox..

Boomers are hot because they represent an opportunity to sell books and junkets.

The Seventh Annual What’s Next Business Boomer Summit is March 19, 2010 in Chicago. The most recent agenda is posted.

They promise a “prominent list of presenters…”

• The COO of AARP. AARP: AARetired People. Boomers are 62 tops and pretty much have seen their retirement decimated by the crash. Unless they are retired military or UAW worker, the AARP is going to be irrelevant unless they change their deal to AAReally Pissed.
• The Sr. VP of iVillage. Tell me about iVillage. g’head. You can’t because you don’t know and don’t care who or what iVillage does. Hint: it’s connected to the same geniuses that hired Tom Brokenjaw for Boomer$.
• Chief economist of Zillow.com. He’s going to tell junket-takers “boomer houses are worth less and therefore they will not move to Ft. Myers.”
• CEO of Posit Science (www.positscience.com), the leader in delivering clinically-proven brain fitness software. This is the NBT (next big thing) for boomers, exercising your brain. Here’s a clue: don’t watch “The Bachelor”, “Biggest Loser”, “Extreme Makeover”, any show with “Kardashian” in the title or credits.
• Vice President of Advertising Sales at Retirement Living TV (RLTV). Same deal as iVillage. Who the hell is Retirement Living TV? I spend more hours on the web than most boomers I know, and I have never heard, seen or read anything about Retirement Living TV. So I Googled it, the first story is “Atrial fibrillation” WTF? And of course the second is the 80 year old unofficial spokesperson for “all things retired” Florence Henderson (who does not appear nude – yet.) That was Shirley Jones who was almost nude – America keeps getting the two confused.

To sell the junket to Chicago in March (ewwww) the promoters suggest:

you need to be able to answer three questions:

• Specifically — who is this baby boomer/senior customer and what is their unmet need?
• Where can your customer be found
• Who or what touches your customer

Naturally, I am here to serve and since I am one of the oldest boomers, I am totally qualified to answer the questions:
Who is boomer? Born between 1946 and 1964.
Where can your customers be found? In the United States and Canada.
Who or what touches your customer? “Touch me and I’ll kill ya.” (Psycho aka Francis from “Stripes”)

There you go!
Please send your money to ShitYourBoomerSays via paypal.com. I will give suitable documentation so you can be reimbursed. If you have extra expense account items, please list them and the amount you would be able to sneak by the approver. “Hookers” and “Hotel Porn” will both be listed as “Taxis and Tolls.”