- your first taste of beer? You didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. But the grown-ups seem to like it, so I learned to like it. Now I really like water.
- the first time you tasted pizza? The floury tomato mush? Now I really like celery.
- the first time you tasted rum? The skunky mushrooms flavor? Now I really like water.
- the first time you ate cheese puffs and your fingers turned orange? Now I really like regular fingertips.
- the first time your dad passed gas in front of you and you thought it was gross? Now I really like the sound my stomach makes when I try to keep from passing gas.
- the first time you realized your chest was never going to develop like you saw in magazines? Now I really like saggy hairy moobs.
- the first time you drank bourbon? The woodsy burnt toast flavor? Now I really like water.
- the first time you ate Death by Chocolate? The bitter aftertaste? Now I really like radishes.
- the first time you ate chocolate-chip cookie dough? The coarse cold texture? Now I like one baked cookie.
- brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast? Now I like a warm brain.
- glazed donuts and getting sticky fingers that you couldn’t get unsticky because your tongue was sticky? Now I like lettuce.
- struggling to rise from the recliner? Now I like swimming and water aerobics and going to the gym.
Yep. Lies. All Lies… I like:
- beer by Miller Chill
- pizza by the $4.99 large pepperoini
- rum in my Coke
- cheese puffs by the Sam’s Club size
- passing gas loudly
- giant hairy belly
- bourbon with my cigar
- chocolate by the pound
- chocolate chip cookie dough
- multiple brain freezes
- one dozen
- watching the Winter Olympics without moving
Who am I kidding? It’s hopeless. I am doomed. I have no will-power. I am a schlub. Chub. Corpulent. Lardy. Obese. Porky. Tubby.
You know the first time you hit 200 pounds (shut up if you didn’t) and thought what a (see above adjectives?) What I like is binging and purging.