No envelopes here.

These are the natural Oscars that everyman has already selected to be winners. You know them, you love them, you voted for them.

May I have the envelope please? What? No envelopes? There have to be envelopes!

Onward.

Best Performance by Fuzz:

• The Grouch

Best Performance by Meat man:

• Mayer

Best Performance by a Fake person:

• Madison

Best Performance by a Dude on drugs:

• Wilde

Best Performance by a Stud:

• De La Hoya

Best Performance by the anti-Stud:

• De La Renta

Best Performance by a Music Man:

• Hammerstein

Best Performance by a Weird Piano Man:

• Levant

Best Performance by “The O Train:”

• Roberston