The Swiss are fastidious, I’ve heard. For a country that encourages random holes in their cheese, they apparently want their bankers to look perfect.

Thus, UBS AG has a 43 page manual on how to dress.

Scallywag and Vagabond  (S&V) did a suitable send up on their reaction to the rules of dress.

UBS AG thinks the way people dress will help instill confidence in the Swiss bank.

UBS: As if taking a cue from style manuals, which often stress the importance of well-cut basic outfits in neutral colors, the bank expects its retail banking staff to wear suits in dark grey, black or navy blue, since these colors “symbolize competence, formalism and sobriety.”

S&V: So no more wild lilac or psychedelic suits to the office? Not even on casual Fridays? Not even if it’s a trendy European label? I guess not. Let’s hope I remember where I kept my receipts so I can return my suits this weekend.

Sixty Manual of Style: If you wear lots of black and grey and white you can get dressed in the dark and nobody will know the difference. Kill the navy, too close to black. Of course you may look like a Banker Penguin.

UBS: Short skirts are off limits for female staff, who are told the ideal length should reach the middle of the knee. Showy accessories and trendy spectacles are a no-no.

S&V: You hear that ladies? Dressing up like sluts is a big no no, especially at UBS. UBS just in case you were wondering frowns at you dressing like a slut. Best to keep that to the weekends on your own time.

Sixty Manual of Style: Oh hell no. Short skirt = slut? No way Josie. Even a knee length skirt can be risque.  Watch out for those underground station grates. In the Sixty Manual of Style the length of the skirt is directly proportional to salary. If you want to get paid more, wear shorter skirts, subject to the height and length requirement of your legs must be as long as the top of your head to your lady bits and weigh no more than a 1/8 your total body weight which is limited to 1.66 pounds per inch of height. Just check your skirt length with me mmmmmkay? Bitter, lonely midgets need not apply.

Unless you’re in the LPGA in which case refer to the dress code outline here.

UBS: “Light makeup consisting of foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick … will enhance your personality,” the code says, while advising women not to wear black nail polish and nail art.

S&V But what if I’m a Goth? What if I like to use mascara to ingratiate my acute individuality? Won’t this cause unnecessary existential grief to be denied my true colors?

Sixty Manual of Style: Goth? You’re fired. Even if you show up in your black underwear. Of course this doesn’t apply to guys – unless they show up in their lingerie. Penguin? Goth? Who can tell the difference?

UBS: The hair-care section notes studies have shown that properly cared-for hair and a stylish haircut “increase an individual’s popularity.”

S&V: I’m guessing wild bushy hair like Bon Jovi for guys is a no no- not even if I am wearing a hair bun. And for the ladies, what if I like to gel my hair into pocket grenades? Is that beyond decorum too?

Sixty Manual of Style: Hair growing on the top of your head must be clean and devoid of anything resembling Brylcreem. Other hair should not be visible: nose, ears, legs, pubes, etc.

UBS: Good quality and easily washable socks for men, but still remain undetectable. Black knee-high socks are preferable as they prevent showing bare skin when crossing legs, it says.

S&V: And knee high black socks too? But I was just getting used to wearing my Mickey Mouse socks to work. I don’t remember any of the clients remarking one way or the other, but I must admit there was this eleven year old boy who kept giving me weird looks.

Sixty Manual of Style: See Penguin reference above. Men: Buy only black socks.  Or no socks. Trust me. And don’t cross your legs, ever. Even Cary Grant looked gay when he crossed his legs. Oh wait, he was gay wasn’t he.

UBS and S&V dealt with other issues on fashion for the Swiss Bankers and Bankeress.

…like fragrance…

Sixty Manual of Style: Don’t smell bad. Don’t be Armenian or French.

…and accessorizing…

Sixty Manual of Style: Keep the rings smaller than your wrist watch. Keep your wrist watch smaller than you necklace. Keep your necklace smaller than your tiara.

UBS: Male employees are also warned about using hair dyes to mask their advancing age, since the “artificial color contrasts excessively with the actual age of your skin.”

S&V:Does this extend to hair wigs as well? What if I’m going bald- will clients be offended if they notice my faux hair plugs? Should I just shave my head bald now?

Sixty Manual of Style: Combovers should start no lower the the ear lobe and not extend past the ear lobe on the opposite site of the head. This applies to both male and female of the breed.

Note to Miss Sixty: please don’t serve ads on this site. Your fashions are inappropriate.