You don’t need to know this. You probably don’t want to know this. You won’t be better for knowing after you read it.

This is purely a self-indulgent post because I need to share.

It’s about dogs pooping. (You’re welcome for the lack of visual aids.)

Sedona is a “real dog.” She is a lab-border collie mix. She is 60 pounds, strong, active, feisty, smart, fun. When she needs to go, she will stand at the back door and give me a signal. I open the door, she saunters out into the back yard, spots a spot, sniffs a sniff, squats and poops. Sometimes, I just open the door and she goes out and poops.

Oliver is a “pretend dog.” He is a Shih-Tzu. He is 20 pounds, lazy, needs grooming regularly, lazy, needy, lazy, and lazy. Oliver needs a friggin’ announcement. He never has stood at any door suggesting he would like to poop outside.

Oliver mailbox.

The first time he hears that, he raises his head from his curled up spot on the blanket on his couch.

Oliver MAILBOX you lazy lump of fur.

This usually gets him standing up looking at me as if to say, “you talkin’ to me?”

%$*&^|%^{}]  Oliver ^%^^8087%  Mailbox!!! %^(*

This will get him to jump down off the couch, stretch and mosey to the front door all the while looking at me as if to question how I know he needs to shit.

We have a leash law. Oliver does not wear a leash. Oliver is too good for a leash. Oliver has a routine:

Walk down drive, pee on car tire, walk to mailbox, sniff bush, pass, sniff mailbox, pee on mailbox.

Oliver! %$# (*&& $_)({|]\%$^ This Way!

This gets him to trot to the corner stop sign. Sniff. Pee. Sniff.

C’mon hurry UP.

Now the true Oliver Poop Routine kicks into another gear. Remember, prior to this, only pee was evacuated.

Walk to side yard, look for place to move from street to yard, move into yard, move back to street, move to different spot in street to cross to yard, move into yard, trot, sniff, hop, circle, circle, hop, sniff, trot, circle, circle, sniff, sniff,  trot, trot, trot, circle.  Move to different part of yard, circle, circle, sniff, trot, circle, circle, poop.

Oliver and I are a lot alike. The only thing that gets us off the couch is a good shit.