I actually had a string of perfect attendance at Sunday School that was about to be broken so my parents could haul me off to a lake for a weekend of raucous camping (I was 11 – “raucous” meant masturbating behind a tree.)

AAAAAnyway. My catholic-jew friends said they would take me to Mass and then give me a voucher which would count toward my perfect attendance.

I did what cartoon boy did: just about the time I figured out that blah-blah-de-blah blah (it was all Latin to me – because Mass was only said in Latin back in the day) meant kneel, it actually meant stand, or sit, or pray…

Eventually, my jew-catholic friend put his hand on my knee (and I don’t mean in that way) to get me just to sit still.

After services I masturbated behind the tree behind the church.

I got my pin for 52 weeks of perfect attendance at Sunday School.

And I feel better about confessing my sin because we all know going to Mass is not the same as attending Allen Methodist Church. Whose website is fumcallen.org, which looks like a dirty word. Fumcallen. Fuckemall. Fuckmaulin’. Maybe it’s just me.

Update: Oh, wrong Allen. Whew. That was a church in Texas.  My church doesn’t have a website, for which I am glad. God does not like pixels to deliver his word. Give me an Amen!