I live in the only town in the entire universe where Corvettes are assembled.

Smallburg has agreed that a Corvette-free zone shall be established in front of my house when I am mowing the yard.

So Mr. Geezer with your bald spot cruising down the street with your dome exposed, you are now in violation of the Smallburg Sixty Spring Sacrament #60.60(a1.69.)

You butt-hole. How dare you drive by enjoying the nice spring weather when:

1. I am mowing the friggin’ grass.
2. I don’t own a Corvette.

I hope your bald spot peels from the sun and you get a large basil celery “car”cinoma.

I am pleased pissed to announce that my lawn mower started on the first try. I had run it out of gas during the last mowing.  Therefore the gas did not turn to maple syrup. So I mowed the first mow of the season. Gaddamn. I hate mowing the grass/dead leaves/twigs.

Gaddamn. Nothing I hate worse than people out enjoying themselves while I am pacing mindlessly behind the lawnmower.

Therefore, I have expanded the aforementioned city ordinance. Also banned from my street when I am mowing the griggin’ frass:

• Power walkers
• Dog walkers
• Bicyclists
• Ice Cream wagons
• Lawn mowing service trucks
• Vehicles with kayaks
• Families

The consequences are severe. I have dog turds. I will use them.

However, young women between the ages of 25-35 with appropriate BMI, jogging in  shorts and bra-tops  are always welcome, nay, encouraged.