April 23 is Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I won’t be participating because I have never read Shakespeare and don’t really have a clue how to Talk Like Shakespeare.

I can talk like a Pirate with the best of them. Lots of RRRRs and growling and matey and avast. All my Shakespeare knowledge will fit on tee shirts. As a matter of fact, somebody has done it and Shirtspeare is the result.

The Talk Like Shakespeare folks say it’s as easy to talk like Shakespeare as it is to talk like a Pirate…

• Instead of you, say thou or thee
• Rhymed couplets are all the rage.
• Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.
• Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.
• Don’t waste time saying “it,” just use the letter “t” (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).
• Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.
• When in doubt, add the letters “eth” to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).
• To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.

Now in Smallburg, Kentucky everybody knows about Pirates. Many have been to Pirates of the Caribbean or have seen the movie. But since there is no Shakespeare of the Avon at Disney World, I fear for my life if I start addressing the local females as “mistresses.” And hell’s bells, everybody in Smallburg is a Cousin!

If I say “thee” or “thou” people will avoid me, lest I ask them to go to Sunday Meetin’s with me.

I do like the phrase poisonous bunch-back’d toads. But that’s hard to remember in the heat of anger because it’s not a phrase I grew up with or have heard in music or seen on Californication.

“eth” on the ends of words? People would think my veneers were looth. Forsooth, shall be uncouth  – my tooth ’tis looth.

Varily and warily, thee shall primarily be wearily and necessarily and voluntarily, militarily extraordinary.  Not a couplet. That’s not Shakespeare-talk either, just my brain running off with my blog.

Sesame Street and James Earl Jones – or whoever this golden-throated Star Trek guy is…is my speed for Talk Like Shakespeare Day.