What Baby Boomer Boy didn’t want The Race Car? When the choices were:

• race car,
• iron,
• Scottie dog,
• wheelbarrow,
• shoe,
• top hat
• thimble,
• battleship

OK, the battleship was pretty cool too, but I always wanted the race car because even though it was a 50’s vintage, it was… a RACE CAR.

But it’s time for the battleship to be retired. War toys are so un-PC these days.

Monopoly is changing.

While they’re at it, why aren’t they redesigning the other pieces? The race car should look like the one above, the iron should be a coupon for the dry cleaners, the Scottie Dog should be a Min-Pin, the wheelbarrow becomes a riding mower, shoes need to be Nike, thimble should be a coupon for something new from American Eagle…

Hasbro is letting Monopoly fans vote for the Monopoly piece that should be banned forever via the Monopoly Facebook page.

The one with the lowest total goes directly — and permanently — to jail.

Here are your choices for replacing the battleship:

• toy robot
• helicopter
• pussycat
• guitar
• diamond ring.

Lame.

And of course Hasbro will try to squeeze some cash out of the gimmick by offering a limited-run “Golden Token” Monopoly ONLY in Target stores.

The sooper-dooper set will exclusively in mid-February, and it will be the last edition to have all of the classic tokens and the only set to have all five of the potential new pieces as well.

The new Monopoly game with all the new playing pieces will be released in the summer.

“There’s a love affair with the token that each player has settled on over time. It’s very seldom that you see a player not care about what token represents them on the game board,”

says Philip Orbanes, a Monopoly expert.

Hasbro is rearranging the deck chairs on the Costa Concordia.  It’s a friggin’ board game. Who plays those anymore?

In case Mr. Hasbro is reading, here are my ideas for improving the sex appeal for Monopoly.

First, change the name to Mormonopoly. This would allow you to play more than one piece. (Hehehe, I said “piece.”)

Instead of naming the streets after tired and broken Atlantic City, embrace the sin capitals of the world. Choose streets named:

• Kiss Me Quick Avenue (Bowling Green Kentucky – sin capital of Southcentral Kentucky.
• Psycho Path in Traverse City, sin capital of Western Michigan
• Laycock Street in London
• Lustful Court
• Butt Hole Road  this links to a whole passle of NSFW streets.

And everyone likes to be creeped out, so how these streets?

• Shades of Death Road, Great Meadows, New Jersey
• Devil’s Backbone Road, Cincinnati, Ohio
• Falling Health Place, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Community Chest needs to change to Nadya Suleman Fund for Lonely Lady Bits and Chance changes to Powerball Multistate Dream Smasher.

Rents are raised by 1000% and Jail is replaced by the People’s Court where your opponents decide how long you are incarcerated OR how much you need to pay each player to get out of Jail (payoffs labeled as “campaign contributions.”

Every property purchase and every home purchase has to be financed at 100% and all closing costs, attorney’s fees, title searches, falling leaves insurance must be paid in advance to a fund which is disbursed to the winner at the end of the game.

By the way, the end of the game is determined when a person is able to hornswoggle, cajole and swindle his way to getting all the cash.

Yeah, Monopoly needs more than just replacing one piece, the whole game needs to be brought into the 21st Century.

What are your suggestions?