My friend Ron is going to buy the L.A. Clippers as soon as you give him the money.
Ever since the other day, I’ve had a dream to own the LA Clippers. Thanks to the pre-recorded rantings of a despicable old racist, I may now get that chance.
Livin’ the Dream!
Remember when you were a kid, sitting on the sidelines, watching your friends play basketball? You knew they’d never pick you because you couldn’t jump, you couldn’t shoot and you always threw the ball to the other team? Remember how that ate you up inside and how you vowed you’d one day get revenge by owning your own professional basketball team and never letting them play?
Of course you do — that’s every young boy’s dream. From the moment you learned how to format an Excel spreadsheet to when you calculated your first price-earnings ratio, you knew you wanted to own a professional basketball franchise.
Problem is… I don’t have a billion dollars.
That’s where YOU come in! You can help me accomplish this days-old dream by contributing to my 100% racism-free campaign to buy the Clippers. Be one of the first ten people to chip in, and I will proudly post a picture of you on my Instagram account. Yes, even you, Magic Johnson!
He has some WONDERFUL perks set up for those of you who wish to fund his campaign… starting from $1, where he will give you a shout-out, literally… he’ll stand in the street and shout your name. And he is willing to do it a billion times.
25 bucks will get you your choice of one of three bumper stickers. “I’m not a gold digger. I’m an archivist.” “My other car is a Bentley. And a Ferrari. And a Range Rover. And another Bentley.” “I’m not Racist. I’ve never been banned for life from the NBA.”
What happens to you money if he isn’t successful in his bid to buy the Clippers?
Look… I’ll be honest with you. I’m gonna keep the money. I’ll make a good faith effort to buy the club, but if I don’t raise enough cash or if the asking price is ultimately too high, I’ll channel the dough to some other worthy project.